Introduction

[TJT]

As lonely as I might feel some nights, I can’t really justify seeking someone else out just to feel less lonely. I think I need to grieve the loss of my M in the right way which, of course, is always the hardest way. I know, however, that my H will not do that. He will search out ways not to feel anything and to take a short cut and to not face the things he has done.

Yes, exactly. We can't just "replace" the closeness we had with our H!

Early on in our sitch, he came very close to facing himself...wanted to come home, make amends, admitted to feeling ashamed and not wanting to face anyone, said he was sorry and could never be sorry enough... and then one week later... gone. I have not seen him any signs of uncertainty since.

Ugh... that is terrible. And again, so sad that there isn't more awareness and tools and acceptance for relationship issues, which I definitely feel is a factor in a lot of our situations, especially for men due to social norms placed upon them. I've legitimately thought about doing a bunch of research and starting speaking tours on the variety of things I've learned/realized through this experience so far!!

I honestly think we would be NC like you if it weren’t for the kids. In some ways, that might be better for me but I don’t know. Mostly I would just like to run off to a tropical island for a month or two.

I can see how NC would be easier than having to work things out with kids when otherwise things don't seem to be going anywhere. I definitely recognized that while I wanted my husband to be around, him staying at the house only when he had his son and then otherwise staying at a friend's was just too much of a rollercoaster for me to deal with. I needed him to either be there or not be there so my mind wasn't constantly shifting from one "setting" to another each week.

I would agree with you on the island part! I have a friend who wants me to go to to Mexico for her birthday and while it kind of terrifies me I also think it would be a great thing. But then I hold myself back because financially it doesn't seem like a good idea... I mean here I am, strapped with a new house that only I'm paying for, HOA dues are coming up in January, I have no savings left, I have no idea how consistent he will be with the money each month... I just feel stuck in all ways!

And that reminds me of yet another question, about whether I should "follow up" with him at some point if I don't see any money being transferred this month... it's obviously a big deal for me, but literally the only alternative/consequence I can offer if he doesn't is that I will have to file just to get the financial stuff separated that I otherwise can't without a divorce decree. So if I'm not actually at a point where I want to file, I feel like continuing to ask him about the status of money he owes me opens up the opportunity for him to continue saying he will even if it doesn't really happen, and then I won't have any other boundary options at my disposal to mitigate that! Ughhh.