Introduction

[TJT]

One other question I have is around SM. In my case, I'm specifically wondering how to use it (or not) as it pertains to GALing.

For example, there are things I have thought about that I would normally post (when I'm out at a nice place with a friend, or when I went to a concert with my mom). But I haven't posted about any of that because it didn't feel authentic, similar to what I said before I suppose, with everything else going on. Like hey here's me looking happy at a concert, even though I'm really not!

BUT, that has made me wonder whether I SHOULD post so my H sees what I am doing... perhaps drum up his curiosity about how I'm doing, etc. Because in my case, there is NO other interaction happening, and I feel like for him it will be "out of sight, out of mind".

On the other hand, I've thought that maybe no interaction + not being able to see anything on SM would make him more curious since he won't know anything about what I'm doing whatsoever.

Of course I fear that if I start posting and looking happy doing things without him he will just continue to reinforce in his own mind the story that he is doing the right thing (because of how he used the "you deserve better" cop outs and such when the details of his A came out). I think I've mentioned this before...this aspect of how my H is behaving is the hardest one to read, because I'm positive he does a lot things to mask his own guilt and THIS is why I'm so worried about my own actions. I know if I do anything that either makes him feel more guilty OR reinforces the story he's told himself, it may continue to dig us deeper into a hole.

This is why I have a hard time with just doing whatever I feel like, not based off of his reactions. I read in one of the other threads that it's more about me not doing things that will make him not want to come back, vs. doing things that will intentionally get him back, because it has to be HIS decision. So I get that...but it seems some of what I do or don't do is related to what he could see as reasons not to come back.

Our anniversary is coming up next month and I continue to dread it. I'm trying not to have any expectations, but I am absolutely going to be wondering what will happen that day. Even beyond him, like if his parents will say anything or if everyone is just going to act like nothing ever happened that day 4 years ago...

I do have a level of confidence that he WILL think of it, at least, when it comes. Whether he's with OW, whether he's working, whatever it is... I may not ever know for sure that he did think of it, or what specifically he thought about, but surely he would be nothing more than a ghost if that day can come and go without it even crossing his mind.

Speaking of his parents, I'm also debating whether it's okay for me to reach out to them and just tell them I'm thinking of them and miss them, etc. No ulterior motives there, just the truth. With the holidays coming up, it's just going to be hard not to do the usual things and go see them and all that.