Introduction

[TJT]

Thank you DejaVu for sharing you feel this way too!

Ovrrnbw, I felt it was part of preparing myself for my H to not come back... I have questioned it, definitely, because we are still technically married.

Well, small correction - at first I did it because he did it, and I felt like me continuing to wear my rings while he wasn't was one of those things that would make me look needy and desperate.

At this point, he's been out of the house for almost 2 months, and he never initiates contact. I've initiated twice for very practical reasons relating to money, and that's it. There's been nothing else to it.

So I haven't been wearing my rings since, thinking I would just be fooling myself and I need to prepare as if we are getting a divorce. I felt like maybe it would help me detach.

And, while I know this shouldn't be a factor in terms of what I do in my own life, it would definitely be hard for me to justify to friends/family why I am still wearing my rings when most of them know at this point what's been happening. I feel like they will think I am just a doormat and why should I wear my rings when he's moved out, hasn't contacted me at all, and seems to be actively seeing OW? I mean how does one explain that without sounding really dumb? I guess I could simply say that I'm not ready to make myself "available" yet (which is definitely true, although I have equally questioned whether not wearing my rings and potentially "allowing" for friendlier relationships with other men would be healthy too. Granted I know I am NOT ready to try to have another relationship or even a fling, I'm just talking about innocent things that could help myself detach and realize what else is out there vs. being stuck in this mindset that I will never be able to find anyone else again).

P.S. He doesn't know who all knows, or what specifically I've told them. P.P.S. I still struggle with the decisions I made on that because on one hand I absolutely think that people I interact with regularly knowing my sitch has helped keep me sane while I was feeling like I wanted to spiral out of control into depression, but at the same time I do weirdly wish that nobody knew at all (maybe just me wanting things to go back to "normal"). I just honestly don't see how I could have gotten to where I am now where at least I feel somewhat stable without having told the folks I told so they could be there for me.

I will say before I left for my trip I physically took them out and looked at them. It did definitely make me sad because my ring is absolutely gorgeous and he did a custom thing on it that meant SO much to us... and it's another thing that can cause me to get resentful and wonder how we went from that to where we are now. And I just feel doomsday about everything... nobody plans to have more than one marriage, and here I am thinking that one day, even IF I meet another man and want to marry him, nothing will ever be like it was the first time. How could I ever think of a different ring as perfect as the one I have now? How could I even think about a wedding ceremony with someone new as a special thing anymore?

I know people say you create new memories and new things that mean things to you with a new person, it just seems like a stretch to me. I will have to get to a point where I don't WANT the ring my H gave me because I don't WANT the relationship with my H. That just seems SO far into the future, and I regularly question whether I'm capable of losing that feeling for him at all, to the point where more often than not I am finding myself thinking, "It's either him or I'm going to choose to be single for the rest of my life!" Yes, my logical brain realizes how ridiculous that sounds. But I know emotional brain needs to get on the same page and for me I just know that if it doesn't, logic doesn't matter.

All of this does make me rethink my decision not to wear them though. I have started to feel a little more like "fine, he can do whatever he wants" so almost like me being more "secure" in where I'm at, to where maybe putting the rings back on isn't as much of a "thing" for me now... but I just want to be careful it doesn't put me two steps back.

Meanwhile, the whole thing that we've been separated two months and he never initiates contact and is just living whatever life he is living does have me very concerned. Reading a lot of other sitches, it always seems they try to make their way back or waffle for a longer period of time. I read a great majority of Kech's sitch and I had to get to that boundary-setting part pretty quickly where once I found out the extent of his PA and what he did in our home, I HAD to give him the option of either working on the marriage or getting out. He got out and doesn't seem like he's concerned about me ever since.

Still torn about me filing myself if he's not going to, but it's pretty much entirely related to logical risk. I'll post about that again and more details on my thoughts later.