Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[SoTorn]

Hello everyone,

Long time lurker, finally signed up. Desperately trying to save my marriage and family.

Back story:

I met my wife when I was 16. We are both 38 now. We had our first child at 18, married in 2001. We have three kids. D19 D16 and B11. We were a young couple and we both came from broken homes where the parents did not know how to communicate. We started at zero. Started off poor. Moved out at 18 and since then we have both worked ourselves into good careers and carved out a very nice life for our kids. We have been the standard the rest of the family holds themselves to.

That being said, unfortunately since we both had no idea how to communicate and we were essentially self taught on marriage and raising kids, our marriage did have lots of ups and downs. Mostly just arguments and conflict about stuff we were to be discussing and compromising on. My wife is very motivated.

Over the years I myself made a couple of bad choices. I did not cheat, but I did hurt my wife and I take full responsibility for that. However, in regards to the communication issues, conflict etc, I will only take responsibility for my part.

Late 2015 my wife had a talk with me about an issue we had, wherein she advised that she loved me and that she wanted to change to better myself and that our marriage would be better if I made the necessary changes. I did exactly that. I did not do it for her, but I was aware that I needed to mature emotionally so that I could be a better person for my family.

Since the beginning of 2016 I have been making a significant effort to be a better person, better communication etc. It was working very well and my relationship with my wife and kids was getting stronger. Unfortunately, wife still had issues with communication. Late 2017 my wife's company was bought out by another company. This afforded her a promotion. Unfortunately, a long with this promotion came a new manager for her. This man is 20 years her senior.

My wife's travel picked up from once or twice a month to about 50%. At first she was constantly in contact with me, always checking up, talking to the kids etc. Early 2018 I noticed that her new manager started taking her to dinner every single night they were out. A lot of the time in groups and the rest just them. This really bothered me. Unfortunately this made me very insecure. I started suspecting an EA about March 2018. Yet the wife was still checking in with me etc. But when she was at home she was distant. May 2018 she started with the red flags. Different grooming, started wearing sexier clothing etc.

Unfortunately, I started asking her if she was having an affair. At this time we were still intimate often and were getting along fairly well. So I believe it was an EA still. I went to the Philippines for a month in June 2018. When I came back she had a belly button ring and had again groomed herself differently. My wife is 5ft 10in. She is absolutely gorgeous. Prior to my trip I had started working on my fitness and lost about 50lbs before I got back from my trip.

When I got back, although we were still intimate, my wife's travel had picked up to about 75%. Same behaviors with dining out constantly. But she always kept me in the loop. Called me when she was at hotel. Would FB video me before bed etc.

Beginning of August 2018 she changed completely. We weren't intimate for a month. I assumed she had started a PA. But when questioned she would deny. I tried to approach with open arms for the truth. With forgiveness. Nothing worked. She did start being intimate with me finally but she just laid there, no emotion. I knew something was up badly. Shortly after I heard the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". That hurt.

Unfortunately I had not yet found this site so I kept asking her. About 7 weeks ago she stopped intimacy completely. She went out of town and was acting very odd. No more calling at night, staying out late and not answering her phone. I asked where she was staying and she told me. Called the hotel and she wasn't there. Instead of just doing g further investigation I confronted her. She denied and when she got home, about 6 weeks ago she moved into my daughter's room. That's when I found this site. She wouldn't admit to an A and kept telling me she needed space and maybe she would come back to me if I showed her change. I have changed a lot. I listen, don't attack, no complaining etc. I worked hard on myself.

I continued to ask of she was having an A with her manager. She denied. Her work got bought out again and he was no longer her manager. He moved back to California with his wife and two kids. He also has older kids with grandchildren.

She immediately scheduled "business" trips to California. I couldn't ignore it any longer so I started investigating. I found that she had booked a room about 5 minutes from this guy's house. She booked the room with two adults.

She still denied when I asked to please let me know. I decided to hire a PA and on the nights of October 31st and November 1st, I got confirmation of exactly what I suspected.

Confronted her with proof on November 2nd. She denied and denied. They tried to get some story together saying he was sick. So she stayed with him for a while and went to another hotel. I had to show some of what I have. Through the weekend she still denied. I had to let her listen to a recording of herself that I got ahold of, speaking with him, talking dirty and saying she loves him.

This absolutely devastated me. I am deeply in love with my wife. Now shes like a zombie roaming around the house. Complete full blown WW. I have tried to follow the steps on this site. I have had a couple of conversations with her that end up in blaming me. Typical behavior. Unfortunately during this last year WW has completely ignored the children. Since she has been emotionally and physically gone for them they no longer trust her. They rely on me 100% for them and our relationship is very strong.

Prior to confrontation I spoke with several attorneys. I reside in a no fault state. But since I have proof of an affair, can file under adultery as fault. That wont have anything to do with assets. But would help with custody.

Unfortunately the kids know. They noticed the huge changes in her and the older ones aren't stupid. I had just told them I need to talk on CD and they knew I must have confirmed something because they asked. I did not tell them yes or no.

Over the past week my wife has just sat in her room on her phone. I have been GAL very well. But shes in la la land badly. Bad affair fog. I told her that if she continues to travel for no reason that I am done. I can tell she wants her cake and to est it too. She was afraid that I was going to report this to her work and the man's wife. She could get fired for integrity reasons. The old me would have went nuclear. I did not. I did get angry when. she blamed me. But beyond that I told her that I don't want a divorce. She wants a divorce but wont fo it because the kids want to live with me. 16 year olds opinion would be deciding factor and she told me along with my son that they don't want to live with her. Unfortunately her WW syndrome is making her test them like she does me. Always blaming them for complaining about her, guilting her about working etc.

WW tried to tell D16 that I was paranoid and had her followed because I thought she was having an A. Daughter asked her to be honest and she lied. D16 pissed off even more now. D16 told mom that if there is divorce, D16 and S11 want to live with me. WW trying to get me to get divorce mediator. I told her that's not what I want. Told her that if that is what she wants she can leave. Bunch of excuses why she wont move out.

If we D I will get alimony, child support and a ton of her assets as she makes much more than I do. WW now wont talk at all. I have been trying to detach. I have written her a few letters that just explain to her that I am no longer pursuing her, that I am no longer allowing her decisions to affect my emotions. I will not take blame and just my perspective on the kids and everything. No threats or pleading. Just being honest on how her actions have affected the kids. What she has done to me etc. I have written two letters. Simply because she is ignoring the hell out of the kids.

Went to an MC who typically said "well she doesn't live you go get a D". No more MC.

Wife is currently traveling to see a friend in Dallas and then to see her father. My mom and dad know. Nobody else. Again this floored me. I am trying so hard to detach. Hard to stay strong. Show no emotions. But I have broken down in my room quite a few times. This is affecting me badly and making it hard to GAL.

I have nearly hit goal weight so I have been going to the gym more, hanging with friends more etc. I have been taking my kids to dinner and spending a ton of time with them. I know that it's just after CD still.

The biggest issue I need help with right now is that my wife is still in contact with OM. She hides in the bathroom. I told her that her remaining in contact in this home is disrespectful. We aren't fighting. She may think I'm going to report her to her work but I'm not. I'm not vindictive. Just hurt badly.

Right now she has zero consequences and will not leave. She has not scheduled another trip yet. Thank God he lives in another state. I want her to see consequences. I want to move out with my kids since she wont leave. But that would probably require me get an attorney on retainer. But she will not move out. Plus if I move out I'm sure she will immediately go travel.

Should I move out and take the kids now? And just hope she doesn't file or freak out if I do? She told D16 she did not want a custody battle. If I do move out should I only do it if she schedules a trip for work? In order for us to reconcile she would have to quit. That's the only way she would have no contact with this man.

I have never been so sad in my life. I look great for only me now. Thanks everyone.