[Living]

The only thing you should believe are his behaviors. Not his words.

The best way to communicate with him is through your behavior. Use your words sparingly. Boundaries and validation. Always speak the truth. Make sure you understand body language and that you are communicating the right messages to him.


It is best to think of him as a new man who you have your eye on. Lets imagine you are single and this is a new single guy that just moved into the apartment across the hall. How would you treat him?

Thank you so much for the encouragement. If he was a guy in the apartment across the hall and we talked and he said all the confusing things he’s said to me, I wouldn’t be interested in him at all. I would see someone that was not my type or someone I wouldn’t be interested in because he’s a complete mess.

I just can’t believe this is my life at freaking 42. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s so frustrating.

What pisses me off the most is Mr. I’m bored with my routine and want to start doing the things in life I want to do, hasn’t done anything. He had the entire weekend to go do some of the things he’s stated he wants to do, but guess what Mr. I Hate Routines did? He did the same thing he always does...he sat around with his boring self and was sleep by 9 pm on a Saturday evening. For someone who is tired of his routine he hasn’t changed crap. So I guess he’ll magically come alive once he moves out. I swear I want to smack the crap out of him. No worries, I won’t. I’m just venting.

He makes a statement that he’s bored with the routine and wants to get out and do the things he’s been wanting to do. Yet he spends his weekend being his same old boring self. Sleep by 7 pm on a freaking weekend. Not once does he go out and do anything that he claims will give him joy.

Think about it this way ... if there was an OW, then he wouldn't be falling asleep at 7 PM and spending all his time DOING NOTHING. He would be buying himself new clothes, spending hours at the gym and going out ALOT without any explanation.

This screams of depression to me. Which is part and parcel of MLC.

I’m wondering if all the reasons that he’s given me about why he wants out are a lie. Perhaps he just doesn’t want to be married anymore and wants to live the single life. He says BS like, I’ll always love you, I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Because if I couldn’t make it work with you, why would I try it with someone else. He’s convinced that leaving our home to go live in an apartment will bring him happiness. He’s nuts.

My H sprouted all sorts of hurtful garbage during our 3 MC sessions. He felt pressured into the relationship and the marriage. He didn't find me desirable anymore ([censored] that - throughout our marriage he couldn't keep his hands off me). He loved me but didn't think that was enough to fix us blah blah blah. About a month after he MO, we had one of only 3 R talks. I asked him why he said those things. He said because he was trying to validate how he felt. My interpretation of this - he truly did not know what was making him so unhappy. He couldn't say it was work because he has the type of job that people only dream of, he couldn't blame the kids, because that would make him a monster, so he blamed me.

So, in answer to your question, no, it is not a lie. In his head, it is all very real. He is unhappy so he thinks being single will make him happy. He is not looking to start a life with anyone else. I doubt he has thought the far. He just wants to escape his unhappiness.

I asked him how soon did he think it would be before he moves out. He said he wasn’t sure that it wasn’t a rush. Hugh? So you want to continue to stay in this marriage and be unhappy and miserable? He then said that he wants to wait until we finish the projects that we have to finish in this house. I said I can pay someone to finish them. He then says that it makes no sense to pay someone when he can do them.

Do you want him to move out, or are you just looking to move out of the limbo state?

If you don't want him to MO, then stop escalating.

H lived with me for 6 months and it was HELL ON EARTH. During those months I made myself so small I was invisible. I was a shadow of myself. I would not relive those months for all the money on earth. Is it better now that he is gone? Yes - he can be in the same room as me without scowling at me. I can come home without fear of whatever it is that he will have found that day to blame me for. I have had the space to heal. But we are further apart emotionally and we both now that it will be harder for him to come back now.

BTW - The anger has been replaced by a kind of platonic 'niceness'. This is my new normal and it [censored].

I don't know if any of that helped.

Your H is confused. He is depressed and he probably has MLC. You have a long road a head of you but reading your thread, I thing that you have the right tools already to make it to the other side, without or without your H.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and sharing some of your story with me.

I’m just so angry today that I’m sure my emotions are just getting the best of me. I’ve been doing fine for the past week but for some reason yesterday and today I’m just pissed. He is a walking contradiction. So you and everyone else on here is right, I’m not going to understand this mental state that he’s in.

I’m sure some of it is depression and the other half MLC. I truly don’t think he has a clear plan for his life and what it will be like when he leaves. You’re right in the sense that he just wants to stop being unhappy and since he’s convinced himself that this marriage is what’s keeping him from happiness, that’s what he wants to run from. He has no clue what it’s going to be like when he’s all alone in that freaking apartment. Hell maybe he’ll enjoy his new found freedom.

As for do I want him to move out. Yes and no. I will tell you this, I’m getting real tired of his B.S. He still expects to have the benefits of a wife without remaining married. He gets mad at me when I treat him like we aren’t married. He says things like stop being mean and I don’t know why you are acting this way. When I’m not being mean, I’m just not doing what he’s used to me doing. So when I think of this freak limbo roller coaster state I’m in, yes I just wish he would go the heck away.

The good news is I’ve picked up more income. So my goal for the next few months is to make as much money as I can. That way I can take over the bills for this house and he can get out and get the hell on with his life. I have got to get him out of here. If not, I’m going to start to resent him more than I already do.