Haven’t posted in a while...I’m losing hope badly. Things were going great for a while. Went trick or treating with the kids and it seemed like H was finally letting his guard down. He even was opening up more at the idea of marriage counseling saying he will ask about it or think about it as before it was a bold no.

I messed up and was bad at DBing. Sent endless emails confessing my love and hopes for reconciliation. Text messages. It just [censored] cuz I feel as if I have NO closure other than him telling me he was unhappy. A mutual friend found him on a dating site last week. He used a picture from our daughters baby shower !! I was sick to my stomach over this. I confronted him and he sed he made a mistake would delete it right away and that he hates himself and I deserve to hate him. He swears he hasn’t gone on dates in the past 5 months since he’s left.
I basically told him to dismiss the divorce and goto therapy come home and work on this marriage or tell me hes 100% for divorce. He has yet been able to look me in the eye and tell me he’s 100% sure divorce is the only option. As of last night he told me “he’s never moving back in”. Hurts to hear but I guess I have to listen. I have been protecting him and kind of hiding this separation and scared to go “public” with it or even remove our photos from social media it’s too hard. Im at the point where if he is done I want his lawyer just to speed up the process so I can take the kids and move away from the house filled with painful memories. I pray every day to have my marriage back together and now I just feel hopeless.
Nothing is happening as far as divorce until February and even then it won’t be final but it just kills me the fact we have a 2 year old and 3 month old baby and he won’t even give this marriage a chance. He admitted to me last week he wasn’t happy now and hates himself but if that’s true why wouldn’t he try to fix this ?? I’m feeling completely hopeless at this point like my marriage is really over and I just can’t accept it. I’m so sad and I guess now is the time just to focus on myself and the kids. The holidays are going to be so hard. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore frown I just want my family back together. Any suggestions???