I just jumped in and got on with it. (LOL) I had to learn to let him be him and to stop trying to make him be like me.
See that was a huge reason my W left I believe. I don’t believe she was able to accept that I was not nearly as proactive as her and because I wasn’t it led to huge resentment within her until she couldn’t take anymore. I know that if you want to have a successful MR you have to let each person be their true self while finding a way to become a successful team. My IC has emphasized W’s lack of willingness to negotiate, sacrifice and be vulnerable which made our MR impossible. I’m continuing to get better within myself regarding those as I’m learning more about how essential they are.
I appreciate your ‘initial signs’ of disrespect post. Funny thing is W is a very impatient person when stressed and so if/when she was impatient, it would be hard to separate that from her mostly usual demeanor. I think the main thing for me going forward is that instead of being the typical man saying “hey we’re married now, I can relax, we’re good to go for life” I’ve learned from my time on here that I need to continue to stay actively involved in the nurturing of the relationship AND be mindful that when/if W brings disrespect towards me that I set appropriate boundaries as a foundation with her.
Originally Posted by Sandi
I’ll bet she didn't behave that way toward the people in her work place. I'll bet she didn't show that side of herself before you M her.
So given her personality I am SURE she behaved that way to people at her work if they crossed her, BUT she definitely did not show that in any way to be actually prior to our D arriving. She definitely did not suffer any consequences from me when she should have. Hindsight can be a wonderful teacher huh? :-). It was definitely difficult to separate her seemingly daily stresses from the true stresses I put on her. And yes I did try to roll with the punches, just thinking that instead of confronting the stress and possibly making it worse, leaving it be to “bleed out” so to speak would be better. I did not teach her how to treat me.
Yes in the context of “society’s daughters” for sure she is fully bought into entitlement. My needs, my happiness, what I want…when she left those were her exact words. Selfish. I know that unless/until those feelings inside of her were to change back to what is best for us/our family our MR had no chance.
Originally Posted by Sandi
Thank you. Yes, that's it.
I think the key for men is to cut the crap of trying to pleasing others, become self aware of themselves and live their life. Just as there is a HUGE amount of propaganda for modern ladies about how they should be, so too is there a HUGE amount for us guys and we’d all be better off freeing our minds of that and relying on ourselves and our faith.
Originally Posted by Sandi
Wow, thank you for such kind words...…..and, for everything else you said in that paragraph. When I read this, it sounded much better than the one where you talked as though you had no chance to have a successful relationship…I'll sum it up by saying it really made me feel good, and hopeful, about you, when I read this part of your post.
Well the previous post from me came from the emotional, residual pain side of what I’ve been living through whereas what I just provided is my logical, balanced, confident side coming through :-). Reality is I NEVER thought I’d be divorced once, much less twice. To find my expectations for my life so completely upside down…just takes a person some time to rectify and come to acceptance of the difference between the expected and the actual. For now, I anchor my life, future and happiness in the marvel of life that is my little D. With time and God’s continued grace and mercy I’ll add on to my life from there.
