Awww Grace. Another kindred spirit you are. I have the same hopes for my H. Sometimes I really do not know how he managed to look himself in the mirror for the past few years. Even when he was home for those 8 months, he was still lying to me about where he was at in his mind. He was “trying” to be happy, he said. I am sad that he still thinks life works that way. I take ownership of some of the things in our marriage but no more than 50%. My H and I were rarely intimate over the past few years. Partly because he was never home but even when he was, there was an imaginary wall between us that I was aware of. I never tried to break through it. I think it always felt too risky. I remember many nights lying next to him listening to his breathing and just trying to will myself to reach out and touch him. But I didn’t. Too scared of rejection, I think. I wish I had had the courage but even if I had, I’m not sure it would have changed much. But...no point in spending time in the past. Whenever I do, one of two things happens. I either get really sad or really mad - neither emotion serves me well. They just keep me stuck. So I am trying to live in the moment and to try to steer clear of future predictions as well. That just makes me anxious and scared. Christmas is looming. I have not discussed this with H and I don’t want to. I am going to wait for him to bring it up. My kids’ birthday is five days before so that week is going to be a bit stressful and awkward, I think. Oh well... fake it till you make it, right? My H is a master at that. Me, not so much.
I have the same hopes for my H. Sometimes I really do not know how he managed to look himself in the mirror for the past few years. Even when he was home for those 8 months, he was still lying to me about where he was at in his mind. He was “trying” to be happy, he said. I am sad that he still thinks life works that way. I take ownership of some of the things in our marriage but no more than 50%. My H and I were rarely intimate over the past few years. Partly because he was never home but even when he was, there was an imaginary wall between us that I was aware of. I never tried to break through it. I think it always felt too risky. I remember many nights lying next to him listening to his breathing and just trying to will myself to reach out and touch him. But I didn’t. Too scared of rejection, I think. I wish I had had the courage but even if I had, I’m not sure it would have changed much. But...no point in spending time in the past. Whenever I do, one of two things happens. I either get really sad or really mad - neither emotion serves me well. They just keep me stuck. So I am trying to live in the moment and to try to steer clear of future predictions as well. That just makes me anxious and scared. Christmas is looming. I have not discussed this with H and I don’t want to. I am going to wait for him to bring it up. My kids’ birthday is five days before so that week is going to be a bit stressful and awkward, I think. Oh well... fake it till you make it, right? My H is a master at that. Me, not so much. 