I’m sorry cdd. Honestly...if I pushed my H, I’m pretty sure that is exactly what he would say to me. He really does believe right now that there is no going back. I agree with that. I don’t want to go back. But I do want to move on... from the lies, from the pain, from the lonely nights. I want to find me again and make me responsible for my happiness and not him. I suspect my H is at least dating despite him telling me he is not. He may not have been when he told me that but that was a few weeks ago. I would not be remotely surprised if he was on a few dating websites and checking things out. Sadly...he still searches for answers outside of himself. He has stopped counselling. He shows no signs of wanting to return. I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that self exploration is not really on his menu right now. I will have to be happy with having it on mine. I think, in the long run, I will be better off for it and he will be... playing the same tune with a different band.
Anyway...I know exactly how you feel. I know this is so incredibly hard. It is excruciating. But it can’t stay that way if you don’t let it. This really is an opportunity. I know it is very difficult to see it that way right now but it is. In a year, you will look back and you will feel differently. Take this time to ask yourself what YOU want and who YOU want to be and how YOU want to be treated. If I truly look at my situation with an objective eye, my H treated me with a disrespect and coldness that I could NEVER, EVER even get close to matching. That is a sobering thought. KNOW YOUR WORTH. If you don’t, no one else will either... least of all your H. Keep making your changes but do it for you. Let him deal with his messy life.
