Standing our ground - together as a family

[neffer]

Be proud of where you stand man. Be proud of your girls too. You have done a great work. My respect and admiration for you Irish.

[Irish M]

Hi DnJ

The move.. It's a necessary to change homes to escape the memories that XW still holds here. I would move out of the province but my current employment holds me here. I'm doing really well and expanding to the northern regions. However, with the new provincial government here ... I can say that leaving the province one day is a possibility. I do have the possibility of a transfer so we will see in time.

Yes.. a Jeep that i can modify to do mud runs only. My latest one is to new to take off roading.

Hi Peace

I agree on the amount of courage it will take for her to take control of her life, fix her relationship wit her girls and be healthy again. I don't feel my XW will have that courage. In the past she avoided and just forgot about it. She is hoping he same with this. That the girls will just forget and accept. My hopes she will have the courage is only that hope.

Hi Neffer :-)
thanks for the kind words. All us left behinders should be proud. This is the worst thing that can happen to a person. MLC is far worst that any decease out there. I can't imagine the torment and pain they live. The need to escape reality and never find true peace and happiness..

We at least get to live, heal and grow. I am not the same man i was before all this started.

so small update.

With documents signed , I get a final email from XW's lawyer.

Mr. Irish, you are no longer required to appear in court. We will complete this for you based on the agreement between yourself and XW. The documents your filled out will be presented in court and you should receive confirmation of he change in amounts paid to you.

XW would like to share with you her cell phone and email address. Please pass it on to D16 and D18 so they can use it if they want to reach out to their mom.

So, I sit down with the girls and give them her new contact information.

Both are not ready. They really want her to make the move first.

so time will tell.

on my to do list - Project bathroom shower removal was completed tonight. Next step install new shower stall tomorrow..

wish you all a good weekend

[peacetoday]

Irish

You handled things well-

Your XW probably cant make the first move out of fear, so she puts the work in their court
2 teens?

On the positive side,
At least she made herself available for them to someday reach out-
I guess that is better than nothing
It shows she cares, shes just incapable of mending the damage as of now
This is probably not over- just for now-

when they become adults, they may want to contact her

Im sorry that it didn't turn out better

[Irish M]

Hi Peace :-)
yes you are right.. fear would prevent her and facing it all is a huge challenge and wall I'm sure. They way things are going XW is not helping any future reach out by the girls any time soon.

So tomorrow her lawyer will present both parties, I signed the document to lower her child support payments. D18 singed her part to prove she is in school and not splurging on her college savings.

I was told to update XW on D16 health condition by her lawyer. So I did.

EX , D16 had another episode in gym today. The school nurse said D16 really over exerted herself and was feeling faint. Dehydration playing a huge role. D16 had an anxiety attack and I rush to the school from work and took her home.
This has nothing to do with her brain cyst that so far is not a real concern. Yearly scans will monitor it and so far so good.

EX responded.

YOU DO NOT CONTACT ME. if the girls want to they can anytime. You only contact me if their life is in peril.
And if you ask for any other money in the future it will be no. I will pay 50/50 if the girls contact me in some sort of way.
I however won't contact them. They need to do the first move.


So I sat back and read that message over and over. Who is this woman? I am not sure I will share this with the girls as D18 just went through her mother using a lawyer against her to find out her financial status.


Tomorrow I'll wake up and nothing will have changed except the fact that I will have a little less empathy for the mother of my children. It is slowly disappearing and soon it will be gone entirely.

[OneArt]

Wow, what more is there really to say. I think we will have to file an application for sainthood if you can retain empathy for this woman.

I gathered that decreasing the support was voluntary on your part. I suppose you could contact her lawyer in writing tonight and inform him that he and his client are clearly not on the same page and therefore you cannot agree to have the writing presented as you do not believe there has been a meeting of the minds. Maybe if you shared that little missive with him she could also work on finding a new attorney to come after you for the $20 a week reduction (or whatever it was).

[peacetoday]

Irish

I guess as OneArt said the L and the XW are either not on the same page,
or she forgot she asked L to tell you for an update,
or perhaps she needed to get some misdirected anger out at you.

In their distorted minds, they probably continue their denial for taking responsibility for their poor choices and all their mess by projecting it on us..
I think they float in and out sometimes apologizing then again blaming


Im sorry she cant be civil
a simple thank you would have been nice and seems easy enough
after you thoughtfully informed her as her L requested


But remember, this is her--not you

she may or never see all the good and hard work and thought you have put into your transition without her
and raising the girls alone

sad-- they cant see or know how hard we all work at our healing and how important is is to provide stability for our kids--

hang in

[job]

Irish,

I don't know how you have the patience to deal w/your xw and her crazing-making behavior. I guess I am missing something here, but didn't she have her lawyer advise you at some point, a while a go, to work through her lawyer when it came to anything having to do w/the girls? It sounds to me like the lawyer and your xw are definitely not on the same page.

As for wanting the girls to reach out to her first...she's not only afraid to reach out herself, but she has a lot of guilt and shame for what she's done. The longer this lack of communication goes, the more bitter your xw will become. As for the girls...it's up to them if they want to contact her and she doesn't get it...she's the problem. The girls have done nothing wrong...she's the one that walked out...poor, sad woman. She has missed out on being a part of the girls' lives.

I hope that her lawyer realizes that she doesn't know which end is up and advise her that you can't have it both ways. It won't be long and that lawyer is going to tell her to go take a hike.

I agree, sainthood is in the cards for you. You've been a steady and stable lifeline for your girls. Hang in there because your xw will come out from under that huge rock again very soon because the holidays are approaching and she's going to feel the need to do something to remind all of you that she's still out there.

[Irish M]

Hi OneArt, Peace and Job

I understand the confusion on the disconnect between her and her lawyer. I should of specified here that this is a new lawyer. Her 4th if you include the mediator we both shared in the beginning.

I have the same lawyer as my story never changed and I somehow come across as a sane human being. Her divorce lawyer actually told my lawyer that his client was clearly unstable.

Her last lawyer was the one that put in the no contact. This new lawyer was probably unaware of the no contact and XW didn't say anything as she was clearly in victim mode as per his message to me. He said that his client is in deep sadness for not seeing the girls and the separation was clearly hard on them and that I , me , I am to update XW in one way or another.

So, I did update her, I got the expected response (she did not CC her lawyer). I'm sure he would be shocked that after all her sad stories to see she shut me down for trying to be civil. It showed XW's true colors. She is still looking out for herself and she will, no matter who tells her she is wrong, find a new path or lawyer to ensure she pays less and less.

Job, not sure she will message the girls at XMAS. With this year having the lowest messages per year at 2 , i think she will wait until her birthday to message them. I might be wrong.

OneArt, I actually forwarded her message to be to her lawyer and asked him to fill her in on the divorce agreement and this current modification. I'm sure he would love if I push for a fight and I get my lawyer involved. But for the amount of money I would get it will cost me more. I'm just happy she has to see that child support payment deduction on her pay slip for a few more year for both girls. Funny thing is, she once told me last year I think, "I pay you some support. I am a good mom"

Forced deductions are not being a good mom. Putting your kids first is being a good mom. She is a dead beat, lost in whatever reality. The fall won't be pretty.

[Gordie]

Irish

I am a good mom

I think they have to keep telling themselves these things in their inner turmoil

I think of the beautiful advice OneArt gave DNJ

She was good when she gave her daughters to the one person who could care for them

You are as always an inspiration

[peacetoday]

Irish

I am a good mom too.


However they can justify..at least she pays..
something however small

I see my friends who are D
Different stories
some XH pay still ( the successful ones)
some paid and continue to lower the payments as time moves on
kids are grown, but there is alimony

Both these guys are good Fathers..today

they were not always good fathers and one had little contact with the kids after the D
for many years

My friend intervened somehow to encourage forgiveness ,,
her XH reached out to her
he tried to reconcile
she said NO..but she helped him to reconcile with the kids

each LBS is different too and we have to do what is right and best for our situation


you clearly do that-


These women were also given the opportunity to do so because their XH were not addicted or alcoholics
the drugs make all the difference I believe in how these stories end-