She then asked me to put together a list of questions that I want answered truthfully and she would commit to doing it.
That seems odd. Maybe she wants to answer your questions once, and then put it in the past. But, you may have questions later, that you don't think about right now. She may also want them in writing, so she and OM can make sure their stories match. IDK, just guessing.
Here's the thing Bern. She should answer any question you have at any time. Yes, it's very uncomfortable for her, but you were the one betrayed. On that note, I want to caution you......if you don't want to really know the answer....then don't ask. Some things are hard to erase from the mind. You know yourself and what you can handle better than anyone.
She may not know it, but there needs to be a lot more than her answering some questions. It's about your need to feel secure in a relationship with her. It's about what she's willing to do to go forward in saving this MR. The first thing she needs to do is find another place to work. She cannot continue to work with OM in the same place. She needs to be willing to be transparent about her phone activity. She can't have secret relationships, and secret passwords, and secret texts, etc. You should be able to pick up her phone at any time, without warning or even without her knowledge, and look at her phone activity. Anytime a spouse doesn't want the other one seeing their phone, you can bet something shady somewhere. If she won't share her password, or she changes it, then she's keeping secrets. If she wants to grab her phone, and starts deleting things, then she's not being transparent.
Look, she doesn't get to call the shots about reconciliation, b/c she was the one who betrayed your trust.....not the other way around. Whatever you need in order for you feel secure in the relationship......she should be willing to do it. If she balks, then she's not ready to reconcile. She has betrayed you in the worst possible way. She is wayward and she has some tough work ahead. She may not have the desire or feelings.....but that's okay. All you need is her willingness and cooperation. The feelings will follow later.
She must do whatever is necessary to prevent any contact with OM. No visual, audio, or written contacts should be permissible. Why? B/c affairs are addictive, and even if she thinks she's through with OM, she's going to have the craving to have contact with him. If she has any contact, even sees him at a distance, it can place her back to square one again. It's hard. I've been through it. But she can do it. First, she has to get real about reconciling the MR. She needs to stop acting self righteous and making statements about how she doesn't know if she can trust you again. And YOU need to call her out on that kind of sh't. You didn't lie, cheat, and commit adultery. She did! Don't let her turn the tables, b/c she is trying to keep the spotlight off her own actions.
Don't let her lay out the terms. Don't you dare allow her to put your actions, or neglect, into the same classification with her and treat you as if you are just as guilty. She'll try. I know she'll try it. I've seen so many guys who were too eager, and jumped right in there with the WW to show her how willing he was to be transparent with her. No, that sends the wrong message. She's the one who needs to give an account.....not you. She's like nothing better than to treat you like you can't be trusted. However, you can be trusted, and you've proven it. She's proven she can't be trusted, and if you agree to reconcile, it will be under the condition that she will cooperate with your plan of transparency, to be carried as long as you need it.
I can't warn you enough, if she has half a chance, she'll mess with you and have you thinking you should be willing to do whatever terms she lays out. This isn't her call. It's your call. She can agree or disagree, but if she wants to stay in the MR, you had better set things straight by telling her how what you will expect. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. You don't want to repeat this experience again, so stick to your guns.
She should agree to pro-marriage counseling...….preferably one who specializes in healing after an affair. Just some hole in the wall counselor won't be enough. She may even need IC, but most couples have to get professional guidance to help them through the piecing stage. You don't have to go right away, but she needs to agree to do it in the very near future. (I can't remember if you are still seeing one, or not). Until she gets through the withdrawals of the affair addiction, I don't know that MC is going to do much good. So, first things first.
She shouldn't be taking any trips without you, for a long time. She shouldn't be taking "girls night out" or staying overnight with friends, until you feel completely safe in the MR and can trust her word (after a significant period of transparency). She should not excuse herself from your presence to go into another room for private phone calls. She should not do any computer activity behind closed doors or with secret passwords. She is transparent about all her activity. You have to handle it as if she's an addict, b/c she is.
She will probably accuse you of wanting to control or punish her. It's more WW cr@p. Don't get scared and back down. Transparency is not about control. It is a method of giving an account. I promise you if she is not trying to deceive you......she will be thrilled for you to see what a good girl she's been! If she's not, then she's not genuine about saving the MR. You see, there's a big difference in a WW who simply agrees to stay on in the M...…..and the WW who is willing do whatever is necessary to save the M. I don't think your W is quite there yet, but I hope I'm wrong.
Another important step to make immediately upon the decision to reconcile, is that she sleeps in the same bed as you. Don't start off the R by sleeping in separate rooms/beds. (That's not to say you have to have sex right away, but she needs to understand you won't continue doing without it.) Just don't agree to separate beds.
I may be forgetting something, cause I'm writing this quickly, but I think those are some of the main points in reconciling with a WW. Either or both of you can take a few days to think it over. That would give you extra time to check with the board, if you needed to ask a question.
Both of you will each have plenty of work to do, but it may not look exactly alike.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
