Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[sandi2]

I know she last lost the respect and I am inclined to give this a shot but I'll need a lot more information on how to best go about this. I feel like and I may be wrong that if I try his and I flounder, she'll see right through it.

Currently you just need to focus on learning as much as you can about the subject of wayward W's. I'll help you with the respect factor, the mindset of the WW, etc., if I can. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by her seeing through it if you flounder. What she sees through is if you go into Super Husband mode, trying to kiss her a$$, and compromising your values in order to hold on to her. You can't just pretend to let her go, you really have to let go of her emotionally. She would be the first to tell you (but she won't) that if you were a "real man" (no offense), you would have kicked her out instead of letting her call the shots……..and if you had been suspected of cheating and giving her a bunch of bs, you KNOW how she would have reacted! If things were reversed, she would not wait for the 8x10 glossy photos, before you felt the door hit you. You know that, right? She would not tolerate you doing the same things that she's done. Anyway, you are here now and we are going to do our best to give you information, advice, and support.

I need to know how to fully proceed when the kids are involved. Is it her responsibility to do everything for them or do we communicate etc??

No, it is not her responsibility to do everything for the kids, and neither is it yours. It's a shared responsibility, but some things will be done separately. While under the same roof, try to make things as comfortable for the kids as possible. Don't expose them to quarrels between you and WW, and things of that nature. Continue having your meals around the family table, but avoid going out "as a family" with your WW if possible. There needs to be a shared calendar and a schedule, even though the two of you are under the same roof. She wants a separation, and this is what separated/divorced couples do. They have a schedule as to what parent will have the kids on what dates, who will pick up and deliver kids to school, etc. While living in a in-house Separation, the schedule would be more to do with which parent would be free to make plans to go out, and which one would be staying home with the kids that evening. That's not to imply that the other parent can't interact with the kids, eat dinner with them, etc. Keep the lines of communication open about the kids. Don't use the kids as an excuse to contact the WW, but if it's necessary, then contact her. (BTW, don't be surprised to see her use them as an excuse to contact you, as well as use them to try and make you feel guilty or anyway she can use to her benefit.) We'll talk more about that later. In the meantime, if you have questions.....just ask.

I get home, say hi to her mother, who doesn’t know our situation,...……….

She tried to refute my saying no I wasn’t going by saying something to the effect of I was part of the family, which did surprise me and I think I had some sort of confused smiling look trying to validate how she felt...………..

In my mind, I’m thinking I’m part of the family yet here we are going through this divorce...………..

she said I will always be a part of the family and in the boy’s lives. I’m allowing myself to read her words differently. She’s not talking about her and me, us...…….

First, let me ask you if there was a discussion or agreement about not telling the family you are separated?

Okay, so about the "you will always be a part of the family". It's great to have that close relationship with in-laws. However, you are not their blood, and you will learn if there's a D, or if they support anyone.....it will be your W. They may not agree with her decisions or her actions (if they knew the truth), but they are blood, so they will stick by her.

Your W's statement is the equation of a mother kissing her little boy's boo-boo and telling him everything will be fine. My son's WW told him the exact same thing as your WW said to you! Guess what? It's not that way. Yes, they have children they share, but they are divorced and she is married to OM, so no...….my son is not part of her family any longer. She doesn't go inside his house, or share his holidays, or have dinner with the grandparents. That's over. They communicate through texts. She drops the kids off at the driveway and she's gone. I once loved her like she was my own daughter, but things change after a divorce.

Yes, you will be in your sons' lives, and you need to make sure you get as much time as she gets. Just don't be deceived by her pretty words and think she means that all of you will be one big happy family together. That's so painful for you to even imagine right now. It's cruel for her to even say things like that, b/c it is deceptive. She's trying to cushion things for the big let down that's coming.

These little performances where she acts all warm & fuzzy, doesn't mean anything good for you. She may continue doing this, until she is secured in the new house. When you stop playing the game with her, and start pulling way back and spending sufficient time away from the house while she's sitting home with the kids......her tune is going to change. And, it won't necessarily be for the better, at first. Remember, she wants to keep you attached, but she doesn't want to be your wife.

Now, you may be wondering how you'll know if she truly does have a change of heart. Three things have to match. Her words, actions, & attitude. If she's saying one thing and doing another...….she's not there. If her attitude doesn't match what she says & does, it's all fake. When she stops playing around behind your back, stops with all the secret texting, taking trips with all these "friends" and living like a single girl, instead of a married woman and mother of sons......that will be a start. When she's ready to be transparent and not feel she has to have privacy from her own H.....that will be a start. When she stops sleeping in a separate bedroom, and talking about wanting a D, and/or her "independence"...….that will be a start. That's all it is.....a start. The words and attitude have to match the actions. So, tuck all of that under you hat, b/c it may be a while before you see any of those actions.

Are you reading the threads on the mindset of the WW?

BTW, don't decide to make some big leap without first running it by the board...…….at least, while you are a newcomer and getting your feet planted on a solid ground. You want to make sure you know how to swim before you jump off into the deep end.