Thank you all for reading my posts and responding. I know I am probably a frustrating case because I know what I'm supposed to do but I keep doing the opposite. It is still early in the process for me so I ask for your understanding.
Last night I spiraled again. I looked at the cell phone bills again and saw that he had ordered flowers in late August (when he first moved out), early September, and then just last week. My first thought is that he is either seeing the OW again or...he had told me they talk but she's trying to figure things out. I remember when he was courting me he would constantly send me flowers. It's kind of part of his "slow and steady" strategy to get the girl.
I couldn't sleep wondering and so I did what I wasn't supposed to do. I sent him a text message and asked him whether or not he is seeing her. This was his response:
"I'm not doing anything right now. My life is a mess. I have company sometimes. I can date who I want. It's my business. I would appreciate not being accused of things and instead be treated with a little dignity and privacy [SIDE NOTE: This coming from the guy who accuses me of getting "laid" constantly.]. I never give you a hard time about dating. You lie about it all the time [SIDE NOTE: Because I'm not dating and he insists I am]. And it's ok. You can be just as private as I have been. We are separating. Or divorcing or whatever. I'm not doing anything right now. I'm a mess and I just want to move on. I don't want complications. I want to be friends with you and parents. You're amazing at that. I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. And I want you to want that for me."
In response, I told him that I wanted us to both be happy and that I believed we could work together for a new, happy marriage. He said:
"We can't. We won't. I want a divorce. I will get a separation in order to continue giving you insurance until you are employed. Then I would like to convert to divorce when you are back on your feet. I feel like your behavior looms over my head. That even if I wanted to date her I couldn't. You would text her and inject yourself into my life." He said this because the night I found out about the affair, I found her phone number and sent her angry messages. That was how I reacted. I'm not saying it was right, but that's what I did. I haven't reached out to her since that night I found out.
He continued on with: "I want you to let me go. I've been hoping you would date someone so you would move on. We hurt each other terribly. I'm sorry. Truly desperately sorry. I see you growing. I appreciate it. I'm proud of you. You aren't the same person. I am the same person. Basically. I don't know if that's good or bad. Probably neither. It just is. This process changed you more than it did me. But I think for you that's good. I need to change too. But it's slower. I need the freedom to do that. I'd like you to just genuinely wish me happiness. Find yourself. Find your happiness. I honestly don't think you'll look back. And that matters. It affects me now but that's more a reflection on how I feel about the nature of our relationship [SIDE NOTE: I think this is part of his whole belief that I settled for him and just stuck around because it was comfortable. He truly believes I will easily find someone new and realize I never really wanted to be with him]. Go be happy. I want that for you. You deserve it. And I'll support you."
I responded by saying that neither of us know if we'd look back. He said: "I don't. And I wasn't saying about what I think I'll do. That's my own thought to keep."
Then he said he wanted to be left alone. And then closed out by saying he's going to have an orgy tonight, then said he was kidding, and then he said he can date 24 year olds if he wants to, though it doesn't mean he does. WTF???
After this conversation, I felt even more hopeless about the chances of our marriage working out. He is really in this place where our marriage represents sadness and unhappiness and he feels he wouldn't go back. And, I do believe he wants to try to see if things work with the OW. I think he feels he is a mess right now because that's not yet happening for him.
However, him saying that this process has changed me more than him and that he needs to change too but hasn't, made me realize that if we got back together right now, it would be the same old thing. There are many things he needs to change about himself, and I don't know that he truly realizes what they are. Thus, as he's said, he has not change. We are still early into this and there's a lot of soul searching he needs to do, though it looks like he's more focused on finding someone new and moving on, that he thinks that's how he will be happy.
I don't know what to make of our conversation. It feels hopeless to me, like he is pretty much saying he is never coming back. I know I need to not care and just detach. It is so very hard.
