Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Thanks guys.

Last night was tough. It was rainy so my bike ride got cancelled. Thankfully some of those biking friends invited me out to a bar to have a drink and watch the football game. It was good to be around friends. I had just a pair of beers over a couple of hours and then headed home. When I got back, my wife had stopped by (it was planned) to walk the dog. She left a note on the dining room table that read (I am translating) -

"Happy Birthday D, I celebrate your live and thank the universe that you are okay. I am no one to say what you deserve but I will ALWAYS want the best for you and ALWAYS will love you. I hope that this year brings you great growth, love and things to be thankful for."

That was tough to read, and I knew that I was less in control of my emotions because of the alcohol (I am barely drinking at this point.) I know that in this process one is not supposed to believe a word that the WAS says, but the note was completely consistent with everything she has told me post BD, and very much in-line with the person who I fell in love with so many years ago. She has been unwavering in her stance and her treatment of me. If it wasn't so painful, it would be admirable. I say this not because I took it as any sort of step towards R, far from it. If anything I took it as more of a farewell. If I try to look at it objectively, I see it as a sweet attempt to share her feelings with me. Of course the rub is that her actions have consistently belied the idea that she loves me in any real sense of the word. As I have read and learned more over the months I have come to see love as a conscious choice and an action, I think that she still sees it as a feeling. She has clearly chosen not to love me and communicated that consistently with her actions (i.e. moving out, dating OM) and frivolous feelings or emotions don't add up to very much. So the note again put in stark relief the yawning gap between her words/emotions and her actions/choices.

On another level, I wish that I had reached a point of detachment where I could simply accept the note for what it was and not let it affect me emotionally. It was the first visceral reaction I have had since running into her and OM out on my bike a month ago, and even that was not quite as rough. Actions/words that push me away are easier to handle at this point. I want to give myself time and be as patient as possible, but it is hard not to become discouraged by set-backs like this.

On a humorous note, she also left a birthday present alongside the note - a gift card to a rotisserie chicken restaurant that we both love. It was so generic and silly, the sort of thing that parents at my school would give me, and such a stark contrast to the personal note that it makes me chuckle every time I think about it. Better to laugh than cry, I suppose.

All that said, I got up and made it to 6 a.m. yoga this morning and that helped bring me back into the moment and into my body. I'm off to meet up with an Italian cultural meetup and then to a little party and some climbing at the gym. Tomorrow I am having some people over for my birthday - no idea how many but it doesn't really matter. I'll be surrounded by friends and people who want to be in my life, good food, and music.

[FlySolo]

Happy birthday dude. I thought I loved yoga - bikram for four days is nuts !!

I know what you mean about friends - I realised post BD that I had focused so much on my children and family that I had a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends (and even they lived an hour or so away). Man, the void H left was huge and when he started to have the kids over so much, the sheer emptiness of it was overwhelming. But, I made new friends and I learned to enjoy my own company.

We all have setbacks, running into them when they are obvs. on a date, our first birthday without them, but we get through it, because we have no choice. You are doing great. TBH I think in many ways we are getting through it better than our spouses. We face the fear head on. We accept the loneliness. We allow ourselves to feel the emotion. We deal with it in healthy ways. I never would have known how strong I was until I had to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together. Our spouses don’t even know they are broken

[Davide]

Thanks Flying Solo. It isn't quite bikram-level, more like 95-99 degrees, but I still sweat like an uncapped fire hydrant for the majority of the class. I generally go 3 days a week at 6 a.m. It's a great discipline and healthy way to start the day.

I actually have a number of great friends, from high school, college, and my time living abroad. I certainly neglected those relationships during my marriage, but even more I didn't make many new friends in the city where I have lived for the past 7 years. That is the more pertinent issue in my day-to-day life. I agree about being much more comfortable being with myself. The meditation and yoga have certainly helped with that.

==========================================================================================

This evening I went to the gym to climb as I do most Fridays. They had a little member-appreciation party with hot-dogs and chips (and beer which I avoided because I wanted to climb). As I was eating on a bench, W walked in and there was no avoiding interaction as she had to walk right by me. She stood and looked at me, seemingly with some tears welling up in her eyes and said hi. I said hi and thanked her for her birthday note. She said that she didn't expect to see me there, and I replied that I thought my bike parked out front was a pretty big giveaway. There wasn't much more to the interaction before I left to go climbing. I was certainly aware of her presence throughout the evening but I still did my own thing, talked with a bunch of people, worked on problems with them, and had a good session overall.

At the end of the evening, there weren't too many people left and I went over to where she was bouldering and said goodbye. She complimented me on a route that she saw me finish which she had been struggling on, and I said thanks and took off. I was pondering whether it was a subtle form of pursuit to seek her out and say goodbye. I really just didn't want to slink off without saying anything. That felt like it would be running away, not facing up to the issue.

It is strange to have so much interaction with her over the past two days after months of near-absolute silence. I can't imagine how hard it must be for people with in-house separations. Still it is clear to me through her actions that she actively chooses not to love me. Regardless of that, I wanted to focus on me and how I chose to behave and how well it aligned with my values. I chose to be friendly and positive but brief. I chose to work on problems with other people and be social. I can't lie and say that I wasn't tempted to ask her if she wanted to work a top-rope route (which requires a partner) with me, but I chose not to do that because I'd rather spend time around people who are good for my mental health, who are happy to work with me. Ultimately, I was happy with how I handled the interaction. It was more positive than I could could have been weeks or months ago.

On to my birthday party tomorrow...

[ovrrnbw]

Davide,

I saw your post so late at night and thought it may be a post of something important.

Why is she leaving notes? I don't know. It seems like you haven't initiated contact with her in forever.

I think the WAS will always see love as a feeling and the LBS will always see it as an action or choice. It's both. One gets you the other.

[FlySolo]

I can't imagine how hard it must be for people with in-house separations. Still it is clear to me through her actions that she actively chooses not to love me. Regardless of that, I wanted to focus on me and how I chose to behave and how well it aligned with my values. I chose to be friendly and positive but brief.

I have had an in-house separation (6 months of toxic hell) followed by 3 months of seeing him briefly during swap over (brief, to the point interactions) and more recently, the last 4 months or so, him increasingly being friendly to me. It means that I overanalyse every interaction (why did he do that, why did he say that, why did I do that). It would be easier to not see him. But, then I would not see him.

I think the WAS will always see love as a feeling and the LBS will always see it as an action or choice. It's both. One gets you the other.

I agree with Ovrnnvw but want to extend on it a little ... love is a choice and a feeling, one feeds the other. But once it takes hold, love becomes binary. You do or you don't. You may not always like the person, but you love them none the less. That is unconditional love. That is the love I have for my children. It is the love I have for my H.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. I suspect it is easier to get to indifference when you have the time and space to forget about them.

[neffer]

Hi Davide. For what you told us, you did a great interaction with W. Did not pursuit and faced her presence. Well done man! Sure W loves you, there are different kinds of love. So just keep your track doing what is good for yourself. You are walking your road man. So, no step backs, just expectation management and keep moving.

Hey, make your time today: there’s the football match of the century in the land of mate and tango. Hay clásico de la primer final de la copa libertadores! 17hs local time.

Sending you a hug D! I know these are hard days for you. You are getting out stronger. All my love for you Hermano!

[Davide]

Ovr,

She left the note because it was my birthday. I think it was as simple as that.

What do you mean "one gets you the other," when talking about love as a feeling or an action? I think a lot of us, myself included and definitely my W, get way too wrapped up in our feelings and place an inordinate amount of importance on them. What really counts are your choices and actions though. There's a great scene in the show Bojack Horseman where the titular character (who is a complete f@ck-up) asks his friend if she believes he is a good person "deep down." She responds by telling him that she doesn't believe in "deep-down" but that "all you are is the things that you do." I think that is pretty much the case as well.

Solo, Please give yourself a big hug on my behalf. My respect for anyone strong enough to do what you have been doing is immense. It is an inspiration.

I get what you are saying about unconditional love. However, you are looking at it from the point of view of the LBS. You love your H unconditionally even if you don't very much like right now. I am looking at it from the perspective of the WAS who claims to harbor the same unconditional love but whose actions belie those words.

In terms of indifference, sure, the absence of any feeling is the opposite of the fullness of love. I don't know that it is necessary to get all the way there though in order to be detached. They talk about loving detachment, and as slippery as that is to get a hold of as a concept, I think it is possible to achieve. Many years ago, when I was a teenager, my younger brother died. The grief and trauma was overwhelming at the time, but I eventually (after years) reached a point of detachment where it no longer hurt to see his picture or talk about him, I was detached in that sense, but still carrying much love in my heart for him. Ultimately, I think that is the goal here as well.

Neffer,

¡Qué bárbaro, hermano! Thanks for the support from el cono sur. I don't doubt my path at this point, I only wish that I were better able to enjoy the struggle, appreciate the process. I know there is no destination waiting out there, no happiness around the corner, no light at the end of the tunnel. There is simply more process, more struggle and it is up to me to find meaning and joy in it.

I have a lot to do around the house to get ready for my get together this evening. (no te conté, pero voy a hornear empanadas del día de acción de gracias - rellenas con pavo, papa dulce, y arándanos, son deliciosas!) But I'll try to catch part of the clasico on tv if I can. I got to watch one game in La Bombonera and it was a crazy experience, I can hardly imagine a super-clasico like this there.

[Twofeet]

Davide,

I don't think I have posted on your sitch, but I do read it and keep up on your posts. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

[ovrrnbw]

I really like that Bojack quote. It's true. And it's not. Hahaha...

What I meant that if your W showed the actions of love then she could rediscover the feelings.

Of course, that is hard, and she chose the easy path of just starting from scratch with OM.

If you have "that loving feeling" (ohohohhh) then it will create action.

Action or feelings lead to the other.

So if you're feeling down, something I did before I got home and would see my WW was put my hands up in the air and yell "YES!!!". Like I just won the Super Bowl. It made me happier. Weird. But if I did that for a couple of minutes, the nerve pathways work both ways and I could "be happy".

[Davide]

Thanks twofeet! I appreciate the lurkers as well as the regular contributors. I keep an eye on your sitch as well.

I hear your Ovr. You can definitely kickstart things. However, one of my mantras in this whole process is "Action precedes motivation." If you just sit around waiting for motivation to strike you, you won't get very far at all. Just getting up and doing something, making the choice to act and engaging your body/mind in whatever it is - that is the key step, and often times motivation will follow. Similarly with relationships, sure it is easy to express our love through actions when we are feeling great or in that infatuation period, but the real work is in acting love when we don't feel like it. Choosing to love anyway.

You are 100% right that if my W chose to act in a different way, chose to love unconditionally, that it is possible that her feelings would change. In fact that already happened. About 3 years into our marriage in the depths of her depression I got the "I don't feel the same about you" which spooked the crap out of me. However, we were able to rekindle the feeling and to choose to love one another again. So, I know the truth in that. Emotions and feelings are fickle. Love shouldn't be.