Journey Continues #2

[sandi2]

I thought we were a team, she did not and the reason I believe that to be is that we had different expectations on the standards we approved of. I was far more “relaxed” in my standards than she. She did everything immediately, me, I’d get to it.

Same with my H and me. Like, if we were going to work in the yard on Saturday, I could have all the leaves raked while he was still drinking his coffee and looking out the window. He had to "soak" when he got up in the mornings, and maybe psyche himself up or plan it out.....IDK. I just jumped in and got on with it. (LOL) I had to learn to let him be him and to stop trying to make him be like me. Smart couples, in my opinion, will communicate with each other and figure out which part of the teamwork each one will do. Sounds simple enough, but a lot of couples fail to talk about the very things we're saying here.

I’m not confident that I could detect the subtleness/codes/tests of disrespect that a woman could throw at me. I don’t speak indirectly/in code/etc so perhaps I’m not hearing when she’s being that way towards me. And at least as best as I know we started off in our relationship without any of this stuff and then as the relationship progresses it begins for whatever reason. I just don’t think I “catch it” and by the time I do it’s too late.

Taken from my Sandi's Reflections thread:

"Some signs may be her showing a lack of
impatience.......taking long sighs, tapping her foot and/or putting
her hands on her hips & looking disgusted, rolling her eyes, speaking
with a disgusted or impatient tone of voice, talking to him as if he
was one of the kids, speaking to him indirectly through the kids,
making fun of him in a disrespectful manner, making verbal jabs at him
in front of others, a total lack of consideration, rudeness, saying
rude things to the children about him in his presence....or behind his
back, any kind of slurs, on & on.....the list is almost endless.
These are things he can, and should, call her out. In other words,
instead of ignoring it, like he has made a habit of doing......he
needs to confront her immediately about her show of disrespect."

IMHO, these are initial signs that she's losing respect for her H. If it's not addressed, her overt disrespect may get worse.

She could have been throwing disrespect haymakers at me for months and I may not pick it up OR the relationship “as best I know it” was/is still going along positively enough that I’m stupidly willing to accept her “nagging”…she must just be having a bad day right?

But here's the thing...….I'll bet she didn't behave that way toward the people in her work place. I'll bet she didn't show that side of herself before you M her. She felt she could act out (in whatever fashion) and not suffer any consequences from you. If she's having a bad day every day when she gets home.....and she's taking it out on you, then it needs to be addressed. We teach others how to treat us, even those who love us. You taught her that she could verbally beat you, and get away with it. You told yourself she must not feel good, was extra stressed, was that time of the month......or whatever. You just tried to roll with the punches.

I remember the very first time I spat angry words at my H.....in front of his family. Everyone just froze, and looked at him. He said nothing and I stormed off. He never said a thing to me about how out of line I was, and/or to never speak that way to him in front of others. I was pregnant at the time, so I'm sure he told himself any number of excuses for why I had my angry outburst in front of his family.

What’s ironic about this to me in my MR is that while my W clearly believes herself entitled, in absolutely no way was her mother a silly angry woman. W did not get this from my MIL.

I should have explained it like society was the mother. and the new generation of women were society's daughters. Society marched & demonstrated and spread poison in magazine articles, and started having tv programs to show its public the new modern woman......and the new "role" of her H. It would make me sick to my stomach to see how the man in a family would be portrayed on television. That's what our kids grew up watching, and subconsciously being taught that that was the role model for men. This was especially true in sitcoms. At first, I didn't catch it, but my H did. When he pointed out that the H was made to look like some kind nitwit in the majority of sitcoms at that time. The W would be a beautiful, intelligent, successful, career woman......while the H was portrayed as some type of weak, "yes, dear", physically unattractive (in some cases), immature (in many), male. who seemed to be more of a burden to the wife as she weathered through. You may think, "Yeah, but it was suppose to be funny". It wasn't funny. A studio laugh track was used, to clue the viewing audience that the joke was on the numskull H. Anyway, that was just another source of propaganda that influenced families......as they stupidly sat in front of tv night after night.

I think at it’s core your advice to us is just be the traditional, strong, confident man God meant for us to be.

Thank you. Yes, that's it. And, as I've said in the past, I feel sorry for men b/c they really don't know who to listen to anymore. I really think there should be more men's support groups that teach and encourage traditional characteristics that once were honored. There are wonder books written by Christian authors that talk about the differences between the sexes, and their roles in the M and family. There's also a lot of junk out there, that just adds to the current confusion. People need discernment, when reading material on these subjects.

Firstly, thank you for your kindness…for ALL of us on here that you’ve helped. It’s simply a helpless feeling as I’ve alluded to above when as a man I loved her with all my heart, the best I knew how but I was woefully unaware of and unprepared for much of what we’ve discussed. I am thankful to feel as though through this loss I have better prepared myself to grow and be a better future spouse, BUT dear God help me why can’t I get the chance to apply what I’ve learned and save the MR with the woman I’ve loved throughout. Things happen in life for which we have no control over and we lose people we love. I’ve suffered greatly for many months, BUT I have endured and learned through it. In a way with my parents aging and many family I love doing the same, part of me feels as though this was God’s way of teaching me an important lesson. I can only pray that his plan someday heals my heart and with time and the benefit of hindsight I’ll see this as a necessary chapter in my life. I have a very good understanding of what you explain regarding the draw of the bad boy/alpha male. I believe I can adapt some of the positive characteristics to myself while at the same time avoiding the negative aspects.

Wow, thank you for such kind words...…..and, for everything else you said in that paragraph. When I read this, it sounded much better than the one where you talked as though you had no chance to have a successful relationship. Trials and tribulations are what make us stronger. (Easy to say, hard to live.) Life is not fair, and many things are very difficult to understand. Were these two marriages God's plan for you? IDK, but they were your choices, made from a free will. And now that you find yourself in this situation.......you still have a choice as to how you will handle what has been dealt to you. That applies to all of us. We have a choice as to how we will handle it. Will we allow it to make us bitter or better? Will we be sour for the rest of our life, give up and decide we'll never be happy, or will we ask God to heal us and help us to learn/grow from the experience in order to become the best man/woman with the best life possible? God wants the best for us, but we are the ones who mess up. Sometimes we don't know what it is we need to learn, but God knows. Thankfully, He doesn't give up on us. I could talk about this stuff all day and all night. I'll sum it up by saying it really made me feel good, and hopeful, about you, when I read this part of your post. ((hugs))