Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

Yesterday W and her siblings during dinner said that they wanted to take their mother out for dinner tonight. W earlier today texts me a very short and to the point text on where it’s at and that she is picking up her mom. W stayed home with my 6 year old since he was sick last night. I had been having a stomach bug from what I ate yesterday and wasn’t sure if I was going to go. After work today W FaceTimes me smiling and happy since she picked up her mom and asked if I wanted her to pick up the older one from school. I said sure and thanks since she was close by the school and I just left work. I originally was going to pick him up while she stayed home with the little one.

I get home, say hi to her mother, who doesn’t know our situation, and tell W that I won’t be able to make it after she tells me the older son doesn’t want to go to dinner. I tell her both boys can stay home with me and that I have a stomach ache. I go to the room and shut the door. I’m changing and in the master bathroom for a bit then she comes in with a puzzled but smiling look saying had she known I was going to stay she would not have picked up her mom and she would have stayed home. I told her sorry but I wasn’t sure either and that it was a last minute decision based on how bad my stomach felt on the drive home. Plus, where they were going to eat wasn’t going to be good for my stomach.

I encouraged her to take her mom since they all agreed. They knew she wanted to get out the house, plus they decided that without my involvement. She tried to refute my saying no I wasn’t going by saying something to the effect of I was part of the family, which did surprise me and I think I had some sort of confused smiling look trying to validate how she felt, all I can remember was saying sorry I couldn’t go and for her not to worry they’ll have a great time taking her mother out. In my mind, I’m thinking I’m part of the family yet here we are going through this divorce. I felt like she was overstepping an emotional boundary about our family and where we stood, saying this now but able to disregard it on a whim. I know what she meant like in previous conversation when she had a voice and we talked a couple months back, she said I will always be a part of the family and in the boy’s lives. I’m allowing myself to read her words differently. She’s not talking about her and me, us...

They leave and I’m home with the boys. In a couple hours, W comes back after she takes her mom home. I’m thinking in my head what if W thought I was distancing myself by not going and is she going to temp check me. She asked me if I had eaten and I said no. I was surfing movies on the TV and she saw a new movie come out and asked can we buy it and watch it together. I said sure if you make popcorn and she said yes. She sits next to me and we share the popcorn, she’s talking and I’m responding and I feel once she thought we were “good” she checked out, recoiling back to the other side of the couch, stopped talking as if she had seen a ghost and was back to this distant being. I was not surprised of this behavior, and it felt like she was seeing if I would pick up the crumbs and once I did she got what she wanted.

I am seriously thinking about what Sandi2 is saying on how to act towards a WW.