Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Thanks Flying Solo. It isn't quite bikram-level, more like 95-99 degrees, but I still sweat like an uncapped fire hydrant for the majority of the class. I generally go 3 days a week at 6 a.m. It's a great discipline and healthy way to start the day.

I actually have a number of great friends, from high school, college, and my time living abroad. I certainly neglected those relationships during my marriage, but even more I didn't make many new friends in the city where I have lived for the past 7 years. That is the more pertinent issue in my day-to-day life. I agree about being much more comfortable being with myself. The meditation and yoga have certainly helped with that.

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This evening I went to the gym to climb as I do most Fridays. They had a little member-appreciation party with hot-dogs and chips (and beer which I avoided because I wanted to climb). As I was eating on a bench, W walked in and there was no avoiding interaction as she had to walk right by me. She stood and looked at me, seemingly with some tears welling up in her eyes and said hi. I said hi and thanked her for her birthday note. She said that she didn't expect to see me there, and I replied that I thought my bike parked out front was a pretty big giveaway. There wasn't much more to the interaction before I left to go climbing. I was certainly aware of her presence throughout the evening but I still did my own thing, talked with a bunch of people, worked on problems with them, and had a good session overall.

At the end of the evening, there weren't too many people left and I went over to where she was bouldering and said goodbye. She complimented me on a route that she saw me finish which she had been struggling on, and I said thanks and took off. I was pondering whether it was a subtle form of pursuit to seek her out and say goodbye. I really just didn't want to slink off without saying anything. That felt like it would be running away, not facing up to the issue.

It is strange to have so much interaction with her over the past two days after months of near-absolute silence. I can't imagine how hard it must be for people with in-house separations. Still it is clear to me through her actions that she actively chooses not to love me. Regardless of that, I wanted to focus on me and how I chose to behave and how well it aligned with my values. I chose to be friendly and positive but brief. I chose to work on problems with other people and be social. I can't lie and say that I wasn't tempted to ask her if she wanted to work a top-rope route (which requires a partner) with me, but I chose not to do that because I'd rather spend time around people who are good for my mental health, who are happy to work with me. Ultimately, I was happy with how I handled the interaction. It was more positive than I could could have been weeks or months ago.

On to my birthday party tomorrow...