Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Thanks guys.

Last night was tough. It was rainy so my bike ride got cancelled. Thankfully some of those biking friends invited me out to a bar to have a drink and watch the football game. It was good to be around friends. I had just a pair of beers over a couple of hours and then headed home. When I got back, my wife had stopped by (it was planned) to walk the dog. She left a note on the dining room table that read (I am translating) -

"Happy Birthday D, I celebrate your live and thank the universe that you are okay. I am no one to say what you deserve but I will ALWAYS want the best for you and ALWAYS will love you. I hope that this year brings you great growth, love and things to be thankful for."

That was tough to read, and I knew that I was less in control of my emotions because of the alcohol (I am barely drinking at this point.) I know that in this process one is not supposed to believe a word that the WAS says, but the note was completely consistent with everything she has told me post BD, and very much in-line with the person who I fell in love with so many years ago. She has been unwavering in her stance and her treatment of me. If it wasn't so painful, it would be admirable. I say this not because I took it as any sort of step towards R, far from it. If anything I took it as more of a farewell. If I try to look at it objectively, I see it as a sweet attempt to share her feelings with me. Of course the rub is that her actions have consistently belied the idea that she loves me in any real sense of the word. As I have read and learned more over the months I have come to see love as a conscious choice and an action, I think that she still sees it as a feeling. She has clearly chosen not to love me and communicated that consistently with her actions (i.e. moving out, dating OM) and frivolous feelings or emotions don't add up to very much. So the note again put in stark relief the yawning gap between her words/emotions and her actions/choices.

On another level, I wish that I had reached a point of detachment where I could simply accept the note for what it was and not let it affect me emotionally. It was the first visceral reaction I have had since running into her and OM out on my bike a month ago, and even that was not quite as rough. Actions/words that push me away are easier to handle at this point. I want to give myself time and be as patient as possible, but it is hard not to become discouraged by set-backs like this.

On a humorous note, she also left a birthday present alongside the note - a gift card to a rotisserie chicken restaurant that we both love. It was so generic and silly, the sort of thing that parents at my school would give me, and such a stark contrast to the personal note that it makes me chuckle every time I think about it. Better to laugh than cry, I suppose.

All that said, I got up and made it to 6 a.m. yoga this morning and that helped bring me back into the moment and into my body. I'm off to meet up with an Italian cultural meetup and then to a little party and some climbing at the gym. Tomorrow I am having some people over for my birthday - no idea how many but it doesn't really matter. I'll be surrounded by friends and people who want to be in my life, good food, and music.