Thank you FS. You always help me make sense of the stuff going on in my head. On the outside, my H looks like he is just fine and that really bothers me. I hope that is how I look to him. I'm not quite as practiced as he is with pretense. Yesterday, I scrolled through the last year of pictures on my phone. Every picture of H, I would zoom in on his face looking for ANY sign that he wasn't okay, that he was struggling. I could not find it. He looked happy. Happy to be with his kids, happy to be with the person on the other end of the camera. How could he go from that to this...without so much as a word of warning. It is still something I just cannot wrap my head around even though I have lived it.
So...I haven't really talked about this yet but on Sunday, I got a bit mad at my H. It was over something my D10 had said to me the night before. Anyway, my anger really came out in the "conversation" and I said some pretty passive-aggressive mean things to him that I think served to confirm his belief that I would not be able to get past his transgressions. While I was talking at him (I am not proud of this), I could see flashes of anger in his eyes but he refused to say anything to me even though I commented on it. Shortly after, he took his D18 out on the boat and was ranting about me and tossing around the D word. So I kind of knew the things he said to her were, at least partially, in reaction to what I had said.
Anyway...after reflecting back on the conversation and my less-than stellar behaviour, I felt quite regretful and guilty about it. Not exactly a 180 on my part. So...I texted him that night an apology and that it was not fair of me to toss the past in his face - especially since I had told myself [and him] that I would not do that. It was pretty late so I didn't expect a reply nor did I ask for one. The next morning when I woke up, there was a text. He said: "I appreciate this more than you could know. I don't really feel like I have any "right" to do anything but listen to your feelings right now - without objection...because I too feel shi**y about how I've treated you... But I also try to do my best with the kids. I am half asleep - so I should probably shut up - but I appreciate what you said...thank you - and thank you for being the organizational parent. I know the strides the kids have made rest solely on the planning you have done for them - and I am grateful for that. (Not just that) but I should probably shut up for now. Good night. :)" So...I think I may have mitigated some of the damage done. Not sure what to make of his mention of needing to shut up... I think he doesn't want me to have any hope so was in danger of saying too much.
But...I need to stop trying to analyze the things he says or does. Suffice it to say...he likely struggles too.
