So...wondering if a day will ever come when my H is not the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. The ridiculous part of this whole sitch is that I am as alone as I was before BD...it was just my mindset that was different. I was married. I thought I was supporting an ill spouse and keeping the home fires burning. Today: I am still married, my spouse continues to be "ill". He does not want my support.
I think what I have been struggling with is that for the first few weeks this was going on, it was clear my H was really wrestling with his conflicted feelings. He had A LOT of guilt and shame to deal with. He had deluded himself into thinking that even if he wasn't there for me, he had been there for the kids. The facts say otherwise and he had only just realized it. So he is trying to make up for that a little bit. Recently, he seems much more settled, much more pleased with himself. Still...I know that he feels crappy about how he has treated me but, at the same time, has managed to justify most of it, I think. He's not happy therefore blowing up our family is, although regrettable, just a necessary step towards finding happiness. Everyone will be fine in the end. In a sense, I suspect he has made himself a bit of a martyr in the picture.
Recently I've been thinking that even IF my H changed his mind and entertained the idea of wanting to make things work, I think he there is no way he would ever have the courage to go through the steps he would need to take to do it. First of all, I would need to truly forgive him for everything he has done. My H is not a forgiving person. I don't think he can imagine that I could ever really get past it. Then there is also my family and his mom. His mom's forgiveness, I think he just takes for granted. My family is a bigger hurdle. I don't think my H has ever truly felt comfortable around them. My sister maybe but definitely not her H. When it comes to them, I think he would be just as happy to never have to see them again. Honestly...when thinking about the big picture, I really don't think my H has it in him to face the natural consequences of his actions. He is terrified of conflict and confrontation and I think he would just always feel uncomfortable because of it. It is much easier and a relief to think that there might be someone out there he could connect with romantically and have a fresh start where he could be someone else. I am sad to say it but that really is the person I married. It is hard to have hope when I really take those factors into consideration.
