Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[sandi2]

Thanks for trying to answer our questions. You are not alone, b/c there are other men here who know exactly what you are going through and the feelings you are experiencing. Continue to read the WW threads, and ask any questions you may have.

Since this living arrangement is suppose to be a "separation", and if you don't plan to move into the new house, have you talked with a lawyer to get legal counsel? Does she intend to pay the expenses of running the new house? Who will pay the mortgage, etc.? I suggest you make a list of concerns and talk to a lawyer to see where you stand and what options you can take in protecting yourself financially, and get at least 50% time with your kids.

Not everyone agrees with what I am about to suggest, so take it for FWIW to you. Your W is wayward, has asked for a divorce, has established an "in-house" separation, etc. WW's have to experience the reality of their decisions, in order for them to clearly see the destruction they have caused. They have to experience consequences of those decisions. An in-house separation is the epitome of cake eating for the WW. She has what she wants from both her worlds. Therefore, the WW should have a taste of what her life without you would be like. Instead of you trying to spend more time with her, engage in more family activities with her, communicate more through texts, etc...…….you pull back as far as possible. When you are home, you fill up your time with the children. If the W is home for the evening, you get out of the house. It's none of her business how you spend your personal time......b/c you are separated. You don't tell her where you're going, or with whom, or when you will be home. Same applies for when she goes out. As long as both of you can be reached by phone (in case of emergency), you ask no personal questions. You don't wait up until she gets home. You turn off all the lights, lock the doors, and go to bed.

The point is that she said she wants her independence...….so you are going to give it to her. The WW is incredibly selfish, and she thinks everything revolves around her. She no longer is logical minded, b/c she operates from her emotions, based on however she's feeling at any given moment. That alone, shows how unstable she is. She has not seriously considered losing her H, completely. She sees herself moving on with some lifestyle, maybe with OM, but in the back of her mind.....she wants to keep H emotionally attached to her. That doesn't mean she desires him as a man/husband, it just means she doesn't want him finding someone to replace her. She wants him to be her BFF, and for him to never fall in love with anyone else. Crazy, huh?

So, whenever you see her throw a crumb or two (referring to the new house as "our" house, touching your hand, etc.) don't go bananas. It is simply her tactic to keep you emotionally attached to her. She will also check your emotional temperature quite often, to reassure herself that you are still attached to her. Like when she reached over to put her hand on your hand...….you saw that as some "signal" and later tried to get a little closer, and she shut you down cold. That's b/c she saw you were still very much interested in her. The WW is so self centered, she has to see that her H no longer is interested in her. He's not going to jump on her crumbs, b/c he doesn't want them. In fact, he acts as if he is the one dumping her, rather than her dumping him. If he'll really do this, it will be the beginning of drawing her respect for him. Before he can show what an improved husband he can be, he has to gain her respect by showing that he doesn't need, nor want, her. This may not make sense to you, but it's what the WW needs to think, and that's why the LBH can't win her back when he's the one trying to convince her to give him another chance. He has to show that he respects himself too much to settle for crumbs. Although, his heart may be aching, he doesn't let her see. All she sees is the man she set free and he is moving on without her.....and he's okay. He is self confident, GAL, and is not dependent of anything she may offer. She has put this attractive man on the market. She starts having second thoughts.



If you are saving money to afford a place to live (for you and the kids) and another vehicle, then you probably need to consider separating your banking accounts, so that you have a private account she can't access. Sorry to say, you cannot trust her. I think I previously read something about you removing your name from the new house. Is that correct? Are you financing the building of the new house? Please consult a lawyer about it. Anyway, She has a good paying job, so she should not have access to your private account. The expenses to run the current home, should be divided fairly...….if they are not already set up that way. Like I said, you need to talk to a lawyer about everything.