Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

Please please do yourself a favor and learn what loving detachment really is. There is a lot of information here on it. So many newbies get this wrong and it causes them to throttle. Detachment is not about being around her or her family or not. It is about being emotionally stable no matter what.

Also, stay away from the women. Trust me, you do not want complications right now.

Got it, reread what I thought I understood the first go around on detaching, its the emotional piece. I am at a much better place than from 2 months ago. I have given her space, made attempts to validate her feelings whenever I get the chance, helped where I can without making it seem kiss-ass. Talks are never about us, the past, or the future. I allow her to be her and initiate and be comfortable. I may have slipped early on if she has this teary look in her eyes and we look at each other and I ask is everything okay, is there something you want to say and then she says no. It looks like the guilt was taking over. From that early time, I don't even bother to push with questions, all it took was one time. I had done enough of that. I told myself to build that wall up again around my heart so I don't cry... then I thought about it again, and said it felt good to cry, to feel, and let it all out. I need to embrace this with an open heart and love her like any person deserves to be loved. I don't want to wallow and be selfish in any negative way. I see what that does and how it made me feel angry all the time when we were in a relationship. I felt like during the years I fell into a slumber and let things change for the worst, but now I'm starting to wake up. I'm working on not getting triggered. I look at what I had written earlier and I am in denial. I need to just accept my intuition rather than sounding like I am still giving my W the benefit of the doubt when in 3 months she clearly is in this fantasy world.

After I did that's when she asked if I was still going to drop the kids off early at school and I told her we may have to revisit that so she said forget it. Am I doing the right thing?

I missed something here. Please give more information on her question. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not without more information surrounding this exchange.

Sorry, I left out that two weeks ago I had offered to take the boys to school like on a Monday or Tuesday so she could work out early at her gym and she was happy with that. She had did that one week and said she was able to beat other people to the gym since a lot of them go during lunch time. After she was done working out in the morning she facetimed me saying thanks. The thought did cross my mind on what if she is seeing someone at work and have this extra early free time to be with that person. Do I entertain this idea if I am dealing with a WW? Do I make a statement saying I wont partake in any of that? Not trying to sound like a shmuck or being passive, but I don't want to think too much into it. I want to show her I am supporting her. That's on her if she decides to do anything crazy but I am helping with the kids and her if she needs. I read somewhere that dealing with the WAW, someone offered advice saying we should not be doing things for them like chores or things people in a relationship share. I don't know if I am taking this out of context without knowing the full dynamics of the situation.

You didn't tell us about the promises made. When did this take place? What else was promised? Did she make any promises?

There were no real promises made on either side, except that after that day when she said she wanted the divorce, I asked her to respect the marriage enough to not engage in anything that put us here to begin with. she said okay, but one of the early nights, I went to the room where she is sleeping with the kids and she had the door closed, I took the little one in to sleep next to her. She seemed startled and was saying she was reading up on options for the house on her ipad and jumped up as guilty as can be and walked out to the living room to start blabbing all about these options she wanted me to see. If she could only see the guilty look on her face. But I let it go. I know deep down what's going on, I don't want negative feelings to surface that'll lead to anger or some type of rage that would put anyone in danger. I think she would be scared to admit it for so many reasons, one she doesn't know what I would do and the other is how everyone would look at her.

In our first two months from August to September I did ask about how she felt on if I revisited us down the road and she said sure np. After the 2 months of this roller coaster ride, which was exhausting, we said lets chill and just not try to argue and we have. I've never asked her anything after that. It feels like coasting again though...but this time without all the arguing. Not sure if this is good or bad. She is taking this as a green light to do whatever, I am sure. She has been on a couple of weekend lunches with the "ladies" from work but I never made any attempt to care. It just feels better to think she is telling the truth rather than dwell on the negative, if that makes sense. (there won't be enough times however that I'll ask what is the best thing to do in this situation...)

So Adam, you seem in denial about a lot of things. At a minimum your W's OM is a fantasy (based on the romance novels). Someone that she has conjured up in her own head. More than likely she has had one or more EAs. But based on all you've shared I wouldn't doubt if she has even been involved in at least one or more PA. You say you and her don't have sex, yet she is on BC? She travels a lot, so has plenty of opportunities. These guys that call are all from work. Lots of red flags here.

Now here is the good news, it changes nothing you should be doing. Keep up the work on detachment. But first read all of cadet's links and really learn what detachment is. Read what sandi has to say about the cashier at the store. This is the dynamic you should be trying for with your W.

I am aware of my situation with the denial. I have been making it sound like it's all a coincidence or circumstantial when I know there is something else going on other than her being unhappy with my failings. I know she is in an affair, I just don't know the details. I imagine it's just as you mentioned it. One of the first things I read here was the story of the guy who stayed friends with his wife who had an affair and I want to be strong like that guy(I looked at the success stories for hope and I saw that true love is giving.) I want to show her unconditional love aside from personal pain I feel(to be honest there are some days I wonder why I am with her so it doesn't matter who pulls the trigger, what matters is that I am still trying even though I have felt probably just as she is). Now, how or when I deal with confronting her on the A is something I will need to research. I have been in a good place and I know these feelings can change really fast. That's why it's important to stay busy and be positive.

The thing with the BC now is that months ago after getting on it for what I thought was just so we don't have an accidental pregnancy, she has a cyst the BC is suppose to help with. She's had a couple before where I think this happened as well, the BC helps decrease the size of the cyst. She had to get a couple removed. As for work, guys call late night sometimes from the terminal and I can hear them talking if something goes wrong with her line of work. it doesn't happen all the time and I'm not saying things can't happen. They definitely can. She could take off a whole day and do whatever she wants and I'll never know. I know she has acted strangely, secretive, and the whole nine.

About the most honest she has been, is when she told you she wanted her independence. So, why are you tagging along when you know she doesn't want you? Where do you stand?

As for the lack of passion and all that other stuff she said...…...she is not going to feel any desire for you as long as another man is in her head. That's just the way women are designed. She may go out to dinner with you, spend family time together, and even have sex with your body parts....…..but it means absolutely nothing, if there is OM in her heart.

I'm in the process of reading up on the WW. I need to know how to handle this. I don't know where I truly stand because this is only the beginning. I know there is an A but I don't know if my feelings will change if I learn of the details. I know I have a long road ahead of me and to not expect anything. After I heard she wanted the divorce I was angry, I told her I was going to move out but that would have been in anger and I thought about the kids. I did not want to do that to them. If there is any day I could spend just more time with them I would. I'm not ready to leave them and have them question why we separated. Not yet, not out of anger... Right now I'm good, in a good place as can be emotionally.

If I move out now, it will be a huge financial strain. For 25 years, we had only one shared bank account and all my money went into it. A lot of money went into the new house. Once we sell this house, I might come out with enough cushion to be okay. If I move out with the situation of needing a new car as well, I'd need to look for a place near work which is pretty far from here as is. It would mean seeing the kids less. I'm not ready for that.

She was telling me she wanted the divorce after the new house is done in about another 8 months. Until then, we are living together so I can save money to move out on my own. I hope to make progress enough that in 8 months of detaching and GAL that if the D does happen I will be able to make the right decisions. Honestly, I was initially hurt by the OM, and during our first two months of arguing I had said a lot of stuff from the heart, from anger, and also fear. She said I would not forgive her if she cheated or that I couldn't get past my anger and she was right. But, I don't want to be that guy and I definitely don't want to be a weak guy letting her run all over me. I think I broke over 30 rules in the first two months after she dropped the bomb. I want to use this 8 months or however long I have to work on me and then go from there.

Did I understand correctly, that you are sleeping in separate bedrooms? Does she consider this as an "in-house" separation?

Yes, this is an in house separation. She sleeps with the kids in one room and me in another. Almost 3 months now.


The type of person I want to be is confident, loving, forgiving, patient, a good husband, a good dad, but also someone who wont put up with the affair. I want to know how I can help the situation get better to address or work on the WW.

For right now I'm doing the 180, detaching, and will be GAL with the kids and mostly by myself since most of my friends are female here from work.

Thank you all for your support and please keep it coming.