I think sadly divorce being “acceptable” these days has allowed people to make it the easy out. Add to that stressed out people who believe they are entitled to only a world of happiness such that they are either too tired or seek out social media to provide them a new OW/OM to justify them…I truly may be as sad about the state of marriage/relationships as I am about my W walking (running) away. With a young D I really worry for her.
It’s interesting that you use the word logical. It is how handle/approach life. I’m an analytical person. My W, however, is completely emotional. We are opposites in that regard. Where she can blow up very quickly, I hardly ever do. I can see in myself passive traits/actions and ways in which I can be more decisive/lead. It’s ironic to me really as in my professional life I am exactly decisive and lead. I have 50 people each day who look for me to provide that to them, but yet when I came home, eh whatever you want W I’m good with. I don’t crawl back into my shell, BUT I have lived my life on being patient, the bigger person and keeping the peace. I process/negotiate through problems analytically/logically…emotion simply has nothing to do with it. If anything and again ironically I believe my W is seeking more of the type of man from my father’s generation whereas I’m part of the less manly tech oriented generation of men. My father while he might have allowed my mom to run the house, if for some reason she ticked him off, she’d know it. Maybe I feel like because I fight my battles at work all day, when I come home I just want peace and so don’t acknowledge her slights. Heck as you said earlier maybe I’m just too frazzled myself at the end of the day to care to fight about something.
I know I wasn’t centered on W’s happiness in a subservient way. Given that my W walked out straight away when she BD’d me I never had an urge or need to go super husband. I will say though that again highlighting your “frazzled” comment I would come home in the evening and cook dinner for us both, get our D settled. That wasn’t done out of NGS, but rather I thought part of our problem with connection was her constant list of stresses so I thought if I could remove the top 3 off her list MAYBE that would allow her to feel less frazzled and more likely to engage with me. What I found instead was if I took the top 3 stresses off her list, she just moved the next 3 up.
Again I can see some tangible improvements I can make regarding being passive. Finances I let her handle entirely and I did so because she was so good at it for our family, BUT it stressed her to no end AND she became resentful that I didn’t have to deal with it. It as like “we have $100 extra, I can put it on A, B or C” and I would say “whatever you think is best”…that wasn’t me trying to be the passive NGS guy, bottom line I simply TRUSTED HER so I didn’t engage in the debate. Anyway finances I should have handled or at the least been more decisive. And she tried to tell me what to do and many times what she’d say and what or when I’d do it didn’t match up. She did try to boss me around again I really believe she tried to claim the masculine role as a result of her prior relationship. In my mind it was simply “You don’t tell me what to do, BUT I”m not going to get into an argument with you and tell you that”. I was/am confrontation averse when not absolutely necessary. I loathe listening to politics on either side of the isle, at family reunions where exchanges get heated, I’m tuned out. For whatever reason my personality finds no interest in that. I get from MUCH of what you’ve beat into our man brains on here LOL that appropriate confrontation when our W’s get out of line is fundamental so that she maintains her respect for us, we maintain our masculine role AND that I show to her that I am stronger than her. For my father that was built into his personality, for me while I get what you are saying it will require me to be somebody I’m not. It’s ironic to me the more I think about it. Here my generation of men are trying to be the Super Husband, domesticated/touch feely type we think the modern women want and yet, we men I think would be much better off continuing to be like our fathers. For many of us that’s a challenge.
Originally Posted by Sandi
IDK, if you saw your mother speak to him disrespectfully, boss him around in front of others, make fun of him, put him down in front of his kids/other people, throw tantrums, etc.
I NEVER saw my mother do ANY of those things towards my father. Now were they an exception to the norm OR would those actions simply unacceptable for women of her generation? I’m firmly going to say unacceptable. One thing I have NEVER heard from my mother was ANY sense of entitlement.
Originally Posted by Sandi
neither of you are going to stay exactly the same two people down through the years. People change. So, you have to grow together, or you'll grow apart......and that's hard to do at times.
When my W left she said we had both changed after the birth of our D and grown apart. Now personally I didn’t think I had changed, I still loved her, couldn’t be happier to be a father, etc…I said at the time “if we have changed and that has caused us issues, we can work together to resolve our differences and make our marriage stronger”. She completely disagreed that people could change. We were who we were and no change from the current at BD was possible. As is my way, internally I found that obscenely narrow minded and ridiculous.
Originally Posted by Sandi
This concerns me, b/c I see "nice guy" written all over it.
My mother simply says “Ballast you are too nice of a guy for these crazy women”. For sure I am a “nice guy”, but I’m not that way as some fake act to win women’s hearts or make them happy. The thought of being a “bad boy”…if that is what a lady wants I feel I’m better off alone. The idea of having to confront every time my W test me. I confront all day at work, I want peace, love and support when I come home not emotional tests, especially because for sure I’m not going to catch them all and almost guarantee I won’t “handle” them to W’s satisfaction.
I’ll leave you with this. I had a friend tell me that a friend of his had left his wife recently. Both were young, married but a few years. They have an infant son. I said “why did he leave?” He said “she wanted him to get a flu shot”. My mouth dropped. He went on to say “he’s told his W he should have majority custody, so she replied well I’ll say you abused me”. INFANT SON in that dysfunction. When I say hopeless it is less about my shortcomings, although I do know and see many within me, but rather to me the absolutely disgusting/tragic/immature nature men and women handle themselves in relationships these days. I lost one MR to infidelity, 2nd one I’ll lose soon, I’m guessing to infidelity, from where I’m standing the game just don’t look like fun playing anymore. It’s terribly sad for me to lose this MR especially as I feel like I failed as a man and a husband when I wanted nothing more to have a happy life with W forever. If there is OM who is the man's man she's wanting, it will be a kick in the head, but I'll survive. I'll wonder less about why him and way more about why not me. Psyche wise and dating landscape wise might just be best I stay on the sidelines less I disappoint another lady. Gonna keep working on me, believing that through this devastation that God has a future purpose in it for me that I'm just not supposed to see yet. Thank you Sandi!
