Journey Continues #2

[sandi2]

I do wonder though if twice divorced will come up as a red flag before the chemistry is established.

As you pointed out in a previous post, divorce is a lot more acceptable in society these days. Plus, if a man or woman expects to find someone who has not been divorced, at least once, they had better get someone very young.

So if we got into a fight over blinds or color in the kitchen or whatever, if it's important to her then whatever she wants is fine with me. I don't see me as "caving", but rather making her happy. Now if that causes her to lose respect for me.

This is where I get a little frustrated with you guys. What you say above may sound logical. However, you miss the point about making her happy. First of all, she won't lose respect for you b/c you made her happy, okay? Giving her everything she wants doesn't make her happy, or define you as a good H. She loses respect b/c you become passive and won't stand up to her when she is out of line, showing disrespectful behavior toward you as her H. If she says something or does something disrespectful, do you tell yourself you will be the bigger person and ignore it? If she throws a fit of anger over something you did that she doesn't like, do you tell yourself to keep the peace and not say anything back to her, and you quietly crawl into your shell? This is the type of man a woman doesn't find attractive and she won't respect. She sees you not having the b@lls to take up for yourself. So, she does more things that are more disrespectful. Why? B/c women want men who are stronger than she is, so she'll test him.

Some men become so centered on making the W happy that they develop a subservient behavior pattern, and that kills attraction. I've seen a lot on the board, especially when a newly LBH is trying to win back his WW. He falls into the Super Husband mode, where he's doing every bit of the housework, cooking laundry, etc. He makes up excuses, like telling the board he's doing it for himself, or he's trying to take some stress off his W, or whatever. No, he's trying to score brownie points,...…...and he doesn't understand why she doesn't feel sexual desire for him. In all fairness to the guys, some WW's use the housework stuff as her excuse for why she's wanting out of the M, but that is bogus. She doesn't have the hots for OM b/c her H wasn't doing enough housework.

A man with NGS is going to find it's easier to leave all the decisions up to his W. He becomes very passive in everyday stuff. "Whatever you decide, dear, is fine with me". He becomes a "yes dear" kind of guy b/c he thinks it makes her happy. But it doesn't. Yes, she probably wants to pick out the colors to paint the rooms, but she wants you to pick out which car is the best quality. She wants you to get the lawn mower, and have the roof put on the house. Sometimes, she wants to hear you say where the family will eat out instead of leaving every decision up to her. We women actually think it is attractive for men to lead and make some decisions! If we have to tell him everything to do, then we start talking to him as if he is one of the kids...….and/or we'll boss him around. I blame the H if he allows his W to boss him around. It's not about whether or not it makes her happy, but about dignity and respect. Does this make sense, b/c if you don't truly understand, you will continue making the same mistakes with women in relationships.

IDK about your parents marriage, but their generation probably has more of a sense of what was traditionally called women's work and man's work...….which helped your dad to know where he was suppose to speak up and where he could let her make some decisions. IDK, if you saw your mother speak to him disrespectfully, boss him around in front of others, make fun of him, put him down in front of his kids/other people, throw tantrums, etc. If she did any of these things......it's safe to say she wasn't feeling the respect for him. That's not to say she would get a divorce, b/c many couples stay together for various reasons.

I don't think you truly know a person, until you get married. Plus, and this is a big one......neither of you are going to stay exactly the same two people down through the years. People change. So, you have to grow together, or you'll grow apart......and that's hard to do at times. I think that's when a MR is really tested.

Truth is though, the more I learn/read while MUCH of it makes sense, the more clueless/helpless I feel I become. I feel I have to be every way and no way in relationships, walking on eggshells that at some point, it may not work for them anymore and on my head I'll be again. I'm working hard with my IC to address my shortcomings. Feeling like I'm the problem has me scared s88tless to try again. While I'll willingly accept it, I just don't understand/know how I am and heck, then again maybe I'm actually not.

This concerns me, b/c I see "nice guy" written all over it. I think your mindset may need to change before you try another relationship. ((hugs)) Not b/c you are a bad person or b/c of your shortcomings or b/c you've been a bad H….but to give yourself time to figure out how to change/overcome some of these NG viewpoints.

I hope you will continue posting. I don't believe you are a hopeless case, and I think there is someone out there who would love to share their life with you. You just need some help with how you see your role as a man, and as a husband in a MR.