On BD1 SHE said she'd quietly pack her things and leave. I told her not to. 2 months later she said she wanted S, I tried to talk her out of it. She said she would move out, I said, no, I'll move out. She went back to OM, I said "No problem, come back to me, we can make this work." Marriage workshop, MC, etc. Discovered DB end of July but by then it was "too late" in a sense. By end of August she was done. Not once did she miss me or say "I want this to work." It was all just "Let's try and see what happens." It was all just delay tactics because OM is the one she wants to be with. I missed my chance to kick her to the curb. I missed my chance to say "It's me or nobody." At this point if I file for D it just comes across as capitulating to what she's already pushing for. I'm about as beta as can be. I don't even know where to start to become alpha again. I literally relinquished all of my power in the name of being nice. And destroyed my own life in the process. There's a lot of rebuilding to do now.
What I can't figure out is why if I'm supposed to be trying to be the one to get rid of HER, why does it bother me when she shows continued, consistent, tangible evidence that she got rid of me long ago?
Well she did. So you are right, filing for divorce is not going to be a "wakeup call" for her. It's really just you taking care of the work for her, work that she apparently doesn't want to do. As Accuray is fond of saying, the problem for most of us after BD is we feel like we've lost all control of our lives, our destiny, our future, our plans. It's all been laid waste and we are spinning trying to figure out how to get it back under control and put everything "back to normal". It was a real epiphany for me to discover that it only takes one to break up a marriage!! I did not have the control over my own life that I thought I had. I had relinquished too much control to someone else. I had depended on another for more than I realized. That's very beta. It's also very normal in a long-term marriage, so don't beat yourself up. The real question is...
Where do you go from here? First, don't dwell in the past. Learn from it and move on. You come out of this stronger, more independent, better prepared for future relationships. You go in with a leather vest on and come out wearing chainmail and a suit of armor with a giant sword in one hand and a shield in the other. Embrace the new you, this armored, shiny knight. Kick the old you to the curb. Look at the wreckage of your life and don't sob over what could have been, figure out what it can be instead. Here's the good news in all of this- you no longer are in a partnership with 50-50 control over the direction of your life. You can literally make whatever you want of it. You can move to the woods and live in a cabin. You can buy a boat and take people snorkeling on reefs. Or you can stay right where you are and rebuild. NO ONE can stop you, so embrace your new control.
But don't give your W any more control over you. She still has too much, because you let her have too much. She doesn't want it! So take it back.
