Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[sandi2]

I wanted to find answers from my wife. I wanted her to fix me. I was so wrong for that. I even told her, you're on bc pills, you started being concerned about your looks, your new clothes, the guy's pic. I said there are clear signs that all point to an affair. It was all circumstantial...I had no real proof.

What do you call "real proof"? Do you need a video of her and OM having sex before you believe she's having an affair?

You want her to give you answers, but she is not going to be completely honest with you. She will swear on the lives of her children or the graves on her loved ones...….and it means nothing, b/c she has already compromised her integrity, and continue to deceive you in order to protect her secrets. Stop beating yourself up for trying to figure out what is going on with her. The wayward wife will twist the truth and make the H believe this is all his fault.

What do you mean you wanted her to fix you? She can't fix you. You can't fix her. She has stepped outside the bounds of matrimony and turned to someone else, so now you must focus on yourself independently from her. In other words, you cannot get healing from her while she's wayward. You've already started helping yourself with the weight loss, reading books, etc. That's great! We will be telling you things to do that may sound completely opposite of what you expected when signing up. when someone is farther down the road from you, listen to them.

I was tearing stuff up, her stuff. She later came home and saw what I had done and said she couldn't be with me. She could not forgive me.

Well, being destructive is not a good move......but FWIW, if it had not been the excuse of you tearing up her stuff, she would have found something else. I just love it (not) when the self justifying WW tells her H she can never forgive him! This is a woman who is betraying you...….while making you feel that you are to blame. How do I know? B/c it takes one to know one.

but I do want to hold my end of the promises up like helping taking the kids to school and stuff like that.

You didn't tell us about the promises made. When did this take place? What else was promised? Did she make any promises?

She has let me get closer to her than before in the beginning but I need to understand that means nothing and could actually hinder progress than help.

When did she let you get closer? Are you referring to her touching your hand? That meant nothing, and you ran with it. She knows she is using you! She knows she is deceiving you! She is playing games with you. About the most honest she has been, is when she told you she wanted her independence. So, why are you tagging along when you know she doesn't want you? Where do you stand?

As for the lack of passion and all that other stuff she said...…...she is not going to feel any desire for you as long as another man is in her head. That's just the way women are designed. She may go out to dinner with you, spend family time together, and even have sex with your body parts....…..but it means absolutely nothing, if there is OM in her heart.

She doesn't know what I am reading but did see the book cover. She doesn't know of the site and I want to keep it that way. I did ask her once before if she would be interested in reading up on stuff and she said in her own time.

Read the rules again. Don't try to get her to read anything. She is not interested in saving the MR. Don't let her see your DB books. These are your tools.

Then there are those romance novels she is so much more entrenched in reading now. She reads them all the time but sometimes I wonder if it helps her to fantasize about some other person or another life.

Absolutely! It feeds her fantasy. There is such a thing as an "Imaginary affair", which means the character (OM) is not a real person. However, it is destructive. When a wife stays in an unsatisfying MR for years, these books give her the romance that is lacking in her reality. She sees the novels as an escape or outlet for her unpassionate MR. The H hardly stands a chance with the novel's hero. It's like with some women who get so obsessed with a male celebrity, she feels in love with him. I know it sounds sick, but it happens.

I'm definitely going to need to come back here for strength because some days I question things, then other days I wonder how I could think such a thing about anyone else before I work on myself. I know I have a lot to work on.

I hope you will come here every day, b/c there is much to learn. This is not all your fault. You helped in the downfall of the MR, but you are not responsible for the decisions your W has made. I hope you will read my thread on the WW's mindset.

Did I understand correctly, that you are sleeping in separate bedrooms? Does she consider this as an "in-house" separation?