Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

Hi Everyone. Not much new to report. Things continue to move forward for everyone.

No discussion of filing yet. I know my STBX isn't in a hurry to start that process. I had planned to bring it up in our last family therapy session, but most of the focus was on S10 and his challenges with the transition to two homes. It's interesting to see her reaction to him not "thriving" like she insisted would happen. I try very hard not to contribute anything to the conversation that would only serve to lay blame. It's a bit of a rough patch for him, but he's doing ok.

The most difficult part of the year is fast approaching. Thanksgiving marks the 2 year anniversary of our separation and both kids have birthdays in December. We've decided to swap holidays from what we did last year. Kids will be with me on Thanksgiving, Xmas eve, and Xmas morning, where the 4 of us will gather at my house for gifts. Then she will take them after breakfast for the rest of Xmas day. Birthdays still require a bit more planning.

Through it all we're very civil and courteous to each other. I find that I'm actually more sensitive to her point of view than I was when we were married. But I'm still very angry and I still spend time arguing with the wall and pretending she can hear me. My therapist describes this as the "Fallacy of Fairness" and insists that it's one of the most difficult cognitive distortions to deal with.

I've started re-reading NMMNG and I've found a few things that I relate to. Primarily: Extreme conflict avoidance, the constant need for validation from others, and disguising my true self due to toxic shame. It's all very enlightening (and quite humbling). And I'm starting to make small (but noticeable) transitions from living my life for my ex to living it for myself. Still a lot of work to do though.

GAL wise, my band is playing gigs, my podcast is back on a regular schedule, and I'm spending a lot of time converting our house into my house. Still not sure how long I'll continue to live there. It's a big house for the 50% of time when I'm the only one there.

I had a bit of a fling with a woman I met online, but it fizzled. Not sure if it was her or if I'm just not ready yet.

Guess that's about it. Life goes on...