Not struggling quite as much

[Jim1234]

Guys, I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. In the end, it wasn't hard, so I made the appointment, but will have a chat with her when she gets back so it doesn't become something she expects in the future.

From Steve's thread:

[quote=Jim1234]
I haven't replied because I've really been really thinking about what you said. I hear what you're saying about there not being an "AHA" moment, and her showing you that she got it. Problems I'm struggling with are 1) that we no longer live together, so there's little opportunity to see 180s on her part (I understand I will probably hear about changes in her behavior from friends/kids, etc.), and the kind of 180s I will see/hear won't give me any indication that she's interested in R, 2) in order for there to be a R, at this point, she would kind of have to come out and tell me she's interested in one, and I guess I don't care to give up what I've got going on without a commitment from her to do things differently, 3) she's not one to admit, even to herself, that she was wrong, and 4) a month ago when we talked, she was very clear that she didn't want to go to counseling again. I can't say the counsellors helped, so I can see why she feels that way. They weren't really DB coaches. I'd look for one, but doubt I will get her to go.

Jim, on #1 you DB for you, not her. If she notices then awesome. If not, you will be ready for the future!

#2 no, she won't have to come out and tell you. She'll have to come out and SHOW you. Remember, never believe what she says.And only half of what she does/ Do not trust her until she shows consistent behavior over a long period of time.

#3, she either will or won't. If she wants to R she will eventually.

#4, what do you want? Is MC part of your requirements for R? If so then stick to it, regardless of what she says. Remember, if she comes back you want her to be open to any and all stipulations. She doesn't get to dictate the terms of her return.

Steve, I was really talking about HER 180s, not mine. I'm doing mine for me, but what I meant was that since we don't live together any more, it is harder for me to see any changes in HER behavior. The 180s I will hear about are things like maybe she's going to the gym, or fastidiously cleaning the house, but they won't show any desire to R by themselves.

I guess really, I am trying to plan out and control the reconciliation, and I really just need to let go; if it happens, it happens, and I'll deal with it then.

Joseph9, it's nice to hear from you again. How are you getting along?