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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks TF & Kiwi. My feeling is starting to fade. I did go for a walk earlier which helped a bit. Then I spent some time with my S10 and gave him a ton of hugs which thankfully he still really wants. He was a bit worked up about the Remembrance Day ceremony on Sunday. His dad always attends and has told my S10 he is going. S10 came to me in tears as he remembers seeing “soldiers on the roof” the last time and is genuinely scared something bad is going to happen. I helped him work through his anxiety and he decided that maybe he can go. Funny...he used the exact same phrase I did...”worried that something bad is going to happen.” Somehow working his fears out with him helped me too. I also had something to eat as I realized I hadn’t eaten in awhile. So...in a much better place than I was a couple of hours ago. I may also be nervous about my twin sister flying home this evening. She is such a huge support to me and a big part of my life. One of my biggest fear in life is losing her. Both of us want to be the first to go so we don’t have to be in this world without the other one. Not sure what I would do if something happened to her. We’ve been best friends since before we were born...lol. In fact, we started out as the same person. That’s so weird to think about, isn’t it? Clearly I am now rambling. Thank-you for the support everyone. Much love to you all!

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Journaling...

Got home this afternoon and my H was already there. He’d taken our son to get his hair cut and fed the kids dinner. He had forgotten a work deadline and was rushing off to work so didn’t stay long. On the way home I was feeling really good. Lots of compliments about how I looked and was feeling really strong on my drive from work - telling myself that “I love him but I don’t need him.” Then I get home and I see him being so sweet to the kids and I suddenly feel so sad and not that strong at all. When he looks at me, however, I just see what I have always seen which is not much. He also told me that they were told after work that his boss has Stage 3 cancer and he was at work seemingly fine yesterday. I don’t know why because I don’t know him but that hit me really hard. I got almost teary. I think because it just reminds me of how prescious life is and that you never know when you are going to get dealt a blow like that and when you do, suddenly, family becomes everything. And my H is blowing ours up. I know he doesn’t think he is but he is. We will never be the same and that makes me incredibly sad. I really need to work at letting go of my idealized version of my H and really come to terms with who he actually is. They are not the same people unfortunately. frown

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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More journaling....

Gosh this up and down mood I’ve been in is starting to make my head spin. I had a super busy day at work with not a lot of time to think and I sure did appreciate it. And then I got home and saw my H and there it was again...that heavy feeling. I am feeling pretty anxious about the next few months. By my calculations, my H’s stash of rent money will run out by around January. I fully expect that sometime that month he will want to talk. I’m not delusional enough to think that he is going to want to come home. He has shown no signs of that at all. I think he is either going to ask that we start paying his rent from our joint account OR he is just going to tell me he wants a divorce and we should separate our finances and divvy things up. I am so not ready for that. The thought of it makes me physically ill. I am trying to picture how I am going to react when we have that conversation and I just can’t picture me stoically taking it. I really can’t. frown

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D6 - you will cope I promise you. This feeling will pass with time. I said more or less the same thing 2 weeks ago "I'm not ready for this" and cried bucket loads. It passed and a new resolve followed. It's just another bump in this road. I had come to terms with my current status quo and didn't want to face another one. But the bottom line remained the same; he wasn't here and the rest was just practicalities.

You didn't feel you could cope with your current situation but you are coping with it admirably. Of course you have times when you feel sad - you're a loving human being, not a robot.

Dig deep and try to rationalise what the 'fear' is based on. For me, it was a financial fear. So I did some rough calculations and realised that whilst things were going to be different, they weren't as bad as I thought. What is the fear for you?

Face your fears. Allow yourself to feel the emotion and then have that rational conversation in your head. You are going to be fine whatever happens. Tell yourself that if this new stage happens, it is better than living in limbo. Limbo is hard for us all.

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thank you Yorkie. I am feeling much, much better this morning. I have a good career, I make decent money and have a rental home that I co-own with may sister. I know that I won’t be as well off as I would have been with my H (and probably not retiring early as I had hoped) but I will be okay.

So...this morning I had a bit of an epiphany. I was thinking back on my marriage and some of the things I got used to doing with my H. I also thought a lot about 180s and what those mean for me. I really thought honestly about what I presented to my H on a daily basis. I realized that I was in a bit of a depression myself. Much of it was in reaction to not having my H around but I realize now it probably had a profound effect on him whenever he saw me. I was going through the motions. I wasn’t happy and smiling... I was always anticipating him leaving and me spending the evening alone without him. I’d be on the couch watching tv, playing stupid games on my IPad. I had gained a bunch of weight. I wasn’t happy with myself. How could I expect him to be happy with me? I was also detached from him in a way. I knew there was a wall between us and instead of looking at my part in putting it there, I chalked it all up to his illness. But it had an effect on me. I wasn’t affectionate with him. I didn’t thank him for anything. Often I would criticize him. Wow...this has been a bit sobering. Anyway...my 180 is different from what I had thought. I thought that I should act as if him being around didn’t matter to me but you know what, that is what I have been doing for a number of years. It has pushed him away. So...I am not pursuing him in ANY way. I know that much for sure. But I am changing. When I went to bed last night, I had planned to hide out in my room when my H came to pick up our D so I wouldn’t have to see him. But after I had that epiphany, I realized that is the exact wrong thing to do. So this morning my H arrived a bit early and I was already busy in the kitchen. I smiled sincerely (I WAS happy to see him) and offered him a coffee. He said that he would LOVE one. He sat down and I asked him a couple of questions about his work and how things had gone the night before. I also asked if I could tell him something and for a second, I could see the fear in his eyes... like she is going to tell me something upsetting. He said “yes” and looked at me as if he was preparing for a blow. I just told him that it was really great to wake up in the morning and know that I didn’t have to remind him to be here and the he would just BE here. He looked surprised but thanked me for thanking him. We then sat down and chatted a bit more until my D said Dad...can we get going? First time...usually he runs out of here quickly. He got up a couple minutes later and said good-bye. He told me to have a good day and I said I would and told him to have one too. And off he went. And you know what? It felt good. I wasn’t sad. It felt good to express my appreciation (one of his complaints was that he didn’t think that he could ever please me and was always being compared to the ghost of my dad (he was amazing)) and for him to hear me. Funny...my S10 noticed. He came out of his room smiling and made some comment about how he was happy dad and I were getting along. I had thought we were before then but looking back, it wasn’t genuine. I was going through the motions but not really feeling it. I feel like I’ve had a bit of a breakthrough this morning and despite my H’s D talk with my SD, I am more hopeful but also a little less tied to the outcome if that makes any sense. I hope that one day we will get another chance but if not, it feels good to still do the things that I know I should have been doing all along. I’m getting off the couch. I’m not waiting for him to come back [I’ve been doing that for four years now]. I’m going to start getting my act together and treating him kindly and respectfully if for no other reason than to preserve a good friendship and pave the way for a good coparenting relationship.

Wish me luck!! smile

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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Thank you Yorkie. I am feeling much, much better this morning. I have a good career, I make decent money and have a rental home that I co-own with may sister.


and you are an awesome human being. Kind, thoughtful and considerate.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So...this morning I had a bit of an epiphany. I was thinking back on my marriage and some of the things I got used to doing with my H. I also thought a lot about 180s and what those mean for me. I really thought honestly about what I presented to my H on a daily basis. I realized that I was in a bit of a depression myself. Much of it was in reaction to not having my H around but I realize now it probably had a profound effect on him whenever he saw me.


I have done this too. Not quite an epiphany, more a gradual realization of my part in things. My H is a pilot. He is away ALOT and I am left at home with the kids. He started training soon after we got together and was effectively 'not earning' whilst he was doing this. The training cost a fortune, meaning that once he did start earning he was using most of it to pay his student loans. I absorbed most of the children / household costs and even though I said I was happy to do this, a part of me resented him for putting me in that position. I paid for everything only to come home to two children and an empty bed. I couldn't tell him how much I resented him for this, so I withdrew affection (not intimacy mind - we were more or less always good on that front). H would often ask me to sit with him on the same sofa and I would say no, I prefer sitting on my own. I would watch TV in a different room because I didn't like what he liked. When he went to kiss me I would offer him my cheek instead. I stopped asking about his day because I was a resentful he got to go to exciting places and I didn't. Eventually he stopped telling me about his day.

So, my 180 is to be less cold but it is difficult balancing that with not pursuing. When he dropped me off the other day I said "Thank you" and smiled at him. We only really talk about the children, but I try and be enthusiastic and interested (which isn't hard as I am actually interested). When he asks me about what I've been up to I am still very vague and I don't ask him what he has been up to. When he tells me stuff about his nights out, the hairs on my neck still rise up and I can't help but go cold, but I am trying to control this.

I guess we are both a work in progress smile


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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We are indeed FS. Today I was at my H’s school where he works for a meeting about one of my clients. Driving in, as soon as I got close, I started to get anxious. The school is very close to where my H is living so it feels like his neighbourhood and where he has the part of his life that does not include me. I am still feeling positive about where I am at today but the anxiety I felt reminded me that I have a long way to go. I am glad that I at least have a better idea of what my 180 needs to be. It could be construed a bit as cake eating but it isn’t when I take into consideration what the last year has been like. My H feels criticized by me. He feels like he can never really please me even when he tries. He has complained about that a number of times over the last few years (before he basically stopped talking to me about anything meaningful). So my 180 for this is to thank him whenever he does anything to help me out with the kids or anything. So this morning I thanked him for his reliability. This afternoon I had another chance. My kids walked home after school and were alone because my MIL was away for the day. I didn’t ask him to but my H came home right after work to check on them and make sure they had a snack and were okay. He left about 20 minutes before I got home and texted me to let me know he had been by. I texted him a thank-you and that I appreciated him taking the time. Again, I felt good doing it. So, it is not a BIG deal but I think if I am consistent, it will have a positive effect. Tomorrow, he will be by after work to feed our kids and get them off to their activities. I will take the opportunity to thank him again. Small steps.

So...I am doing something for myself on Saturday. For a few years, I have had a spot on my cheek (from the sun?) that I hate. When I look in the mirror, it is the only thing I see and is the only indicator that I am my age as I still do not have one wrinkle (not a sun worshiper). Anyway....I’m getting it lasered on Saturday. I am told it will get darker at first but in about a week should be gone. Sounds kind of vain but I am excited about it...lol. I’ve lost 27 pounds (5 or 10 more to go) and cut my hair (shorter and way more flattering) so this is just another step in my attempts at self improvement and boosting my self esteem.

BTW...I have a bit of a confession to make. Following my team day that I hosted, there were a ton of bread products (evil carbohydrates) that I will never eat so I told my H that if wanted to have some, he was welcome. When I got home yesterday, he had a bag of cheese twists, pretzel buns and croissants to take home with him. These are a recipe for weight gain. Does it make me a terrible person that I was secretly celebrating that while I am getting smaller, he is getting bigger? In my head I was thinking, “Yeah...you just keep eating those carbs H.” Okay...so maybe I am a little bit awful? laugh

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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I have had a spot on my cheek (from the sun?) that I hate. When I look in the mirror, it is the only thing I see and is the only indicator that I am my age as I still do not have one wrinkle (not a sun worshiper). Anyway....I’m getting it lasered on Saturday. I am told it will get darker at first but in about a week should be gone.


Obviously off the main topic but I'm curious about this. I've got sun damadge as well. The spot was bladed off many years ago to be checked. It came back. I then had several different lasers done which made it better for awhile but it always comes back. I hope you have better long term results and if you do I'd love to know the specifics of what you have done as I too look very young for my age - most peg me at about 45 rather than the 55 I am but I hate seeing it in the mirror as well. Hope you have the results you are hoping for!


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks Don. I will let you know how it goes. smile

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Journaling...

So...wondering if a day will ever come when my H is not the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. The ridiculous part of this whole sitch is that I am as alone as I was before BD...it was just my mindset that was different. I was married. I thought I was supporting an ill spouse and keeping the home fires burning. Today: I am still married, my spouse continues to be "ill". He does not want my support.

I think what I have been struggling with is that for the first few weeks this was going on, it was clear my H was really wrestling with his conflicted feelings. He had A LOT of guilt and shame to deal with. He had deluded himself into thinking that even if he wasn't there for me, he had been there for the kids. The facts say otherwise and he had only just realized it. So he is trying to make up for that a little bit. Recently, he seems much more settled, much more pleased with himself. Still...I know that he feels crappy about how he has treated me but, at the same time, has managed to justify most of it, I think. He's not happy therefore blowing up our family is, although regrettable, just a necessary step towards finding happiness. Everyone will be fine in the end. In a sense, I suspect he has made himself a bit of a martyr in the picture.

Recently I've been thinking that even IF my H changed his mind and entertained the idea of wanting to make things work, I think he there is no way he would ever have the courage to go through the steps he would need to take to do it. First of all, I would need to truly forgive him for everything he has done. My H is not a forgiving person. I don't think he can imagine that I could ever really get past it. Then there is also my family and his mom. His mom's forgiveness, I think he just takes for granted. My family is a bigger hurdle. I don't think my H has ever truly felt comfortable around them. My sister maybe but definitely not her H. When it comes to them, I think he would be just as happy to never have to see them again. Honestly...when thinking about the big picture, I really don't think my H has it in him to face the natural consequences of his actions. He is terrified of conflict and confrontation and I think he would just always feel uncomfortable because of it. It is much easier and a relief to think that there might be someone out there he could connect with romantically and have a fresh start where he could be someone else. I am sad to say it but that really is the person I married. It is hard to have hope when I really take those factors into consideration. frown

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