Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[SteveLW]

I have questions on detaching. My wife and I have been going out on the weekends a lot with her family for breakfast, dinner etc. When detaching do I not be around them either or her? I also work with an office full of women, some groups go out on Saturdays to try new restaurants. What is the general consensus with going out with women friends from work? Group okay, individuals no? .

Please please do yourself a favor and learn what loving detachment really is. There is a lot of information here on it. So many newbies get this wrong and it causes them to throttle. Detachment is not about being around her or her family or not. It is about being emotionally stable no matter what.

Also, stay away from the women. Trust me, you do not want complications right now.

How can I balance being there for the kids and doing a 180 to be more helpful around the house but also be detaching at the same time? Like I help with bathing the little one more, I help with the homework. Instead of working out at the gym at work, I come home help with the kids and then get on the treadmill at home so she can see I'm putting in effort. I stopped the texting her every day. I stopped initiating every conversation and am not following her around the house but I do want to hold my end of the promises up like helping taking the kids to school and stuff like that.

It seems to me you answered your own question. Help with the kids FOR YOU AND THE KIDS, not her. That is detachment. You seem to think detachment = absence. That is not correct. Detachment is being present, pleased, happy, upbeat, fulfilled.

After I did that's when she asked if I was still going to drop the kids off early at school and I told her we may have to revisit that so she said forget it. Am I doing the right thing?

I missed something here. Please give more information on her question. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not without more information surrounding this exchange.

If there is anything else to add, it would be that guy texted her from work one night after August and all year long before I didn't see his texts after a certain time but right after we sleep in separate rooms he texts. I got drunk one night and mentioned it and she said it was work related. There are times when other ppl from work has called her late at night. Then there are those romance novels she is so much more entrenched in reading now. She reads them all the time but sometimes I wonder if it helps her to fantasize about some other person or another life. One day after she knew she gave me her amazon password, I see this book in her browser history about affairs... and im wondering if she is for real about this or if she is testing my insecurity. I didn't bring it up.

So Adam, you seem in denial about a lot of things. At a minimum your W's OM is a fantasy (based on the romance novels). Someone that she has conjured up in her own head. More than likely she has had one or more EAs. But based on all you've shared I wouldn't doubt if she has even been involved in at least one or more PA. You say you and her don't have sex, yet she is on BC? She travels a lot, so has plenty of opportunities. These guys that call are all from work. Lots of red flags here.

Now here is the good news, it changes nothing you should be doing. Keep up the work on detachment. But first read all of cadet's links and really learn what detachment is. Read what sandi has to say about the cashier at the store. This is the dynamic you should be trying for with your W.

Adam, lots of us have been in your shoes. All of the stuff your W is blaming this on, while obviously true, gives no one the right to step outside of the marriage. Lots of women in their 40s start to look at their life and wonder if there is better out there. My W went through this. She talked about turning 50 and being married to me as if the two were incongruent. And she pointed back to things like they were huge deals, that really weren't. The thing about the business trip and the other things you mention are excuses. Yes you've done some things that hastened the impending BD, but BD was coming for you no matter what.

You are at the right place. Hang in there. Breathe. Concentrate on your 180s and GAL. Work on loving emotional detachment. Let her go to get her back. Be the strong, confident man she hasn't seen for years. Be the spouse only a fool would leave!!