Thank you Yorkie. I am feeling much, much better this morning. I have a good career, I make decent money and have a rental home that I co-own with may sister. I know that I won’t be as well off as I would have been with my H (and probably not retiring early as I had hoped) but I will be okay.
So...this morning I had a bit of an epiphany. I was thinking back on my marriage and some of the things I got used to doing with my H. I also thought a lot about 180s and what those mean for me. I really thought honestly about what I presented to my H on a daily basis. I realized that I was in a bit of a depression myself. Much of it was in reaction to not having my H around but I realize now it probably had a profound effect on him whenever he saw me. I was going through the motions. I wasn’t happy and smiling... I was always anticipating him leaving and me spending the evening alone without him. I’d be on the couch watching tv, playing stupid games on my IPad. I had gained a bunch of weight. I wasn’t happy with myself. How could I expect him to be happy with me? I was also detached from him in a way. I knew there was a wall between us and instead of looking at my part in putting it there, I chalked it all up to his illness. But it had an effect on me. I wasn’t affectionate with him. I didn’t thank him for anything. Often I would criticize him. Wow...this has been a bit sobering. Anyway...my 180 is different from what I had thought. I thought that I should act as if him being around didn’t matter to me but you know what, that is what I have been doing for a number of years. It has pushed him away. So...I am not pursuing him in ANY way. I know that much for sure. But I am changing. When I went to bed last night, I had planned to hide out in my room when my H came to pick up our D so I wouldn’t have to see him. But after I had that epiphany, I realized that is the exact wrong thing to do. So this morning my H arrived a bit early and I was already busy in the kitchen. I smiled sincerely (I WAS happy to see him) and offered him a coffee. He said that he would LOVE one. He sat down and I asked him a couple of questions about his work and how things had gone the night before. I also asked if I could tell him something and for a second, I could see the fear in his eyes... like she is going to tell me something upsetting. He said “yes” and looked at me as if he was preparing for a blow. I just told him that it was really great to wake up in the morning and know that I didn’t have to remind him to be here and the he would just BE here. He looked surprised but thanked me for thanking him. We then sat down and chatted a bit more until my D said Dad...can we get going? First time...usually he runs out of here quickly. He got up a couple minutes later and said good-bye. He told me to have a good day and I said I would and told him to have one too. And off he went. And you know what? It felt good. I wasn’t sad. It felt good to express my appreciation (one of his complaints was that he didn’t think that he could ever please me and was always being compared to the ghost of my dad (he was amazing)) and for him to hear me. Funny...my S10 noticed. He came out of his room smiling and made some comment about how he was happy dad and I were getting along. I had thought we were before then but looking back, it wasn’t genuine. I was going through the motions but not really feeling it. I feel like I’ve had a bit of a breakthrough this morning and despite my H’s D talk with my SD, I am more hopeful but also a little less tied to the outcome if that makes any sense. I hope that one day we will get another chance but if not, it feels good to still do the things that I know I should have been doing all along. I’m getting off the couch. I’m not waiting for him to come back [I’ve been doing that for four years now]. I’m going to start getting my act together and treating him kindly and respectfully if for no other reason than to preserve a good friendship and pave the way for a good coparenting relationship.
