So, as I've been reading about functioning alcoholics (basically, alcoholics) one of the common characteristics they share that's really jumped out and connected with me has been their inability to have a genuinely intimate relationships with their family members.
I now really feel that was so in my M, in the pit of my stomach. And that's a lot because of my R now - it feels like we really are companions. And looking back, I now see how much this was lacking in my M.
Following on from that train of thought - and this is me thinking about loud here - alcoholics can't have genuinely intimate relationships with their family members because they can't have that kind of relationship with themselves. They can't be honest with themselves about how dependent they are on alcohol and how important it is to them (denial).
I've also been reading about codependency. And man, it's not pretty. I think maybe that's whyI instinctively felt I had to wait until I was at a safe enough distance to dig further into it all. Anyway, this is where I'm at with it all.
As much as alcoholics are the way they are above (plus a lot more, obvs), codependents are the mirror image of that. Their life slowly becomes all about the alcoholic. They are pretty much completely dependent on the alcoholic and all the drama that ensues from that to fill their lives. Slowly there is less and less of them left in the R.
And how on earth can they have an intimate relationship with someone else when there ends up being so little of them there, in themselves? And what little there is of them, they can't even be honest with themselves about how dependent they are on the alcoholic. They can't even have an intimate relationship with themselves. So they are the mirror image of the alcoholic but for different reasons. They are a counterbalance if you like (and not in a good way).
Dishonesty and denial, lack of self, lack of self worth, lack of self esteem, distrust, manipulation, lack of intimacy, emptiness on both sides...I could go on. And cheating, multiple times, on his side.
So how do we make that better? Speaking for myself here, not the least bit interested in the alcoholic/addict. Do the opposite of that list above. Explore what those things are, what they mean, how they manifest themselves in your life and do the gosh darn opposite.
I tell ya, it wasn't easy to admit any of the stuff above. I've been thinking about it for a long time, and only really thinking about it in this way this past month or so. But there, I said it. And the world is still the same as it was yesterday and the day before.
The sky hasn't fallen in. The relief is intense. I feel lighter. It feels like I'm the other side of something.
