Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

I found out about the forums not too long ago after getting the DR and DB books. I'm halfway through reading the DR book and have read some of the stickies like Sandis rules and Detaching.

Not sure how or where to begin, but I'll try to dive right in with a little background and some history. My wife and I have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 14. We have two boys, S10 and S6. Most things have never really been a big issue except I have trust issues and we are on different paths with our careers.

Back when we were teens, we both had great potential, were social, had great friends, loved life and were healthy. We both went to college but stopped. We lived together for a long time in our 20s and got married in our 30s, then got a house, and had two kids. We're both in our 40s now. She works for a great company for almost 20 years and has moved up the corporate ladder, and I, on the other hand, have moved from job to job a couple of times and ended up where I am for about 15 years, feeling like its a dead end job.

I have trust issues because I watched adults in my past lie and hurt each other. I have male friends whom, when I was young, my wife had said were cute, and I'd always wonder if I was good enough. Here's two things from the past I try not to be bothered with but seem to haunt me. When I first met my wife, she was in a long distance relationship with someone else and I was in a relationship also. I ended it for several reasons and one of them was because of her. We both were teens. She was in the process of ending it with her boyfriend as well. We both liked each other. After we barely met it was New Years and I thought I was going to be with her, but she was nowhere to be found. I was bummed but hung out with friends. Days or maybe weeks later, I asked her what happened on New Years and she told me she was with her ex and that she ended it. I was happy and didn't make a big deal about it. But the ex was her first serious boyfriend. She met him by dating his friend first, then broke up with the friend to be with him. So this was in the back of my mind sometimes. That's one of two things. The other thing is that my close friends back then were bad. They would sleep around with other guy's girls. One of my best friends slept with the girl I quit to be with my wife. So any time she was around them and everyone was playful, I'd wonder. Sometimes I would ask if everything was cool to make sure there weren't any weird emotional attachments. I never let this go....

So fast forward, after partying in our 20s with life slowing down, I quit smoking and started to gain a little weight.

After we had our first son, I gained about 50 pounds, then with the second I gained about 75. In the last year, I had gained a total over 150 pounds. She would have gained about 20. There were times I would lose 40 pounds but it would increase and just be more. My wife did try to encourage me to lose weight but my mindset was all wrong. I blame people for going out to eat at crazy fast food places rather than control what I ate from those places, I had that when in Rome, do as they do attitude.

As the years had gone by in our house, I became more of a recluse, not wanting to visit or hang out with friends. I would play video games with my older son. I thought my wife and I were at a comfortable place. I would go to the study, she would be on her ipad in the living room with the little one on his ipad. We would sometimes make time once a week or early weekends to be together. We never made time to be us like when we were younger. Another thing, we had our children sleep in our bed for the last 10 years. We had no time together. This was my fault for allowing it to happen.

Just more information about us: I'm more the physical person who needs the touching and sex more. She's not. I'm the type that , if we argue, I want us to fix it before bed time where she strays away from arguments or would rather sleep on it. We've managed to do okay for all these years until now.

Two years ago my wife lost her dad on Christmas day. This was a huge blow for her. Here is the critical information. Last year after the 1 year anniversary of his passing, she came to me and said she didn't want to be sad in front of me or in front of the boys, that she wanted to be strong. I had not cried in 15 years, I had built this wall around my emotions. I thought I was telling her what she wanted to hear at the time. I told her she didn't need to cry in front of them and that she could go behind closed doors to cry like the closet if needed. I meant well but I know how she perceived it was not well. She didn't argue anything at the time until after she said she wanted the divorce which is coming up soon. So this is one strike against me for what I said.

Two years ago, my wife and her family or my son would go on trips or to concerts or she would go on business trips and she would be elated. It was great. This year things changed. Not as many trips and the mood changed. Before our summer vacation trip she had been acting strange, distant. Sometimes she would wake up at 3-4 in the morning and be on her ipad and I would try to talk to her and she would blow me off and say its just things she's been trying to sort out. Some days I would see her doing the same thing and I would notice stuff like maybe she wasn't just reading stuff on her ipad but maybe emailing, texting or talking to someone else. I wasn't sure. During the summer we go on vacation and one morning I wake up and play footsies with her and it just ends there. When I look up and over at her it appears she's moving screens with her fingers like deleting stuff or whatever people do other than scroll the page of what they're reading, but I feel like I am blowing this all out of proportion. I confronted her about it and told her how it appeared like she pulled the phone away from me when I woke up and then swiped her thumbs. She claimed she did not such thing and I asked her if she was cheating on me. She got furious and couldn't believe I would accuse her. I'm in the doghouse.

Later we make up back at home but something is in the air. I asked her one day what was up and she told me she wasn't going on a work trip and she was bummed. I told her maybe she was overreacting and to be humble and look at what she was fortunate to have. She got really upset. Strike two. She said she knew but later on after saying she wanted the divorce, she said I wasn't in her corner on this and I didn't understand. I knew I mishandled this. She was up sometimes at night because of this, but BUT.... she had been up for weeks and not confided in me and she had been drinking sometimes which was not like her at all. I didn't catch on and I let things go by but I did try to ask and find out what the issue was.

It's the end of summer now and there's been a couple of things going on, also, her company had moved into a new building this year so she had been working out at this new gym getting into shape. New look, new clothes and undergarments. She even asked to get on birth control from the previous year. I never thought anything of it. Things just fell into place the way they did. Then one day I saw this guy's picture saved on the kids ipad which was from the icloud. I asked her about it and she said it was from a friend who texted it to her so she saved it so she could take a better look at it. I asked her to show me the friend's text and she said she deleted it to save space. I told her of all the excuses, to save space? While she had large group texts from her family saved... I still let it slide. But this guy's face was etched into my brain and I was like WTH he's almost fatter than me...

Another incident was when she had a female client friend she was starting to hang out with more often. She said she was going to go out of town with this person to a yearly company golf tournament. She was going to show her friend around. Usually she would go and sometimes would go during a weekend or just in the morning but seldomly. I asked well why cant you just go for the day and come back at night? We argued about this because I didn't trust her. With all the things going on she was very adamant on wanting to go with her friend and stay the weekend. Later after she left, she came back home that night and said her friend couldn't stay because she had dogs at home to take care of. My wife then said she left her laptop at the hotel and would need to drive back so I was thinking what is the whole point of the argument.

The storm is brewing. I have this feeling like I'm needing to find out what is going on, my wife kept saying its nothing she needs space and some distance. She isn't communicating to me and she is definitely not helping to ease my worries. I heard of this GPS tracker so I used it. I started to track her and I hated myself for using it. I would justify using it saying oh I would want to check on her being here or here. I wanted to tell her and I mentioned something about the app once during some small talk but she didn't catch on because she didn't know what it was. Well during one of our texts, I asked where she was and she said at work but that's not what the tracker said. So I did the lowest... I told her that I knew she would never lie on our kids graves so I asked her to swear that she didn't cheat and she swore. I couldn't go on, I didn't like what I was doing, I didn't bring up anything else or mentioned I knew she wasn't at work. She later told me she resented me for asking her to do that.

On top of all the drama, in July we decide to build a house. We have both our names on it and put the money down for a plot. We were going to pick the items at the design center etc. We were going to move to the next phase of our lives but we were still arguing with some underlying issues. My wife didn't want to speak on them.

Then in August, the week her boss left on a trip that she was suppose to be on, I email and text her. She's in an upbeat mood and I wanted to cheer her up. Earlier in the week we had been arguing, things were still not great at home, we argued about her distance and not opening up. We don't say I love you, we don't hug before going to work. I had started to work out to lose weight. I was miserable and depressed. Going back to her... I asked if she was at work and she said yes, so I called and she didn't pick up. I text her then she said she is in a work meeting. I texted her sister in law who also works there and she said she would check but didn't find her and then told me she was putting her phone on silence. I felt weird and then used the tracker and found out my wife was at a cantina. I sent her a pic of the location and she's mad I was tracking her and said the reason she didn't want to tell me was that she didn't communicate that she would be out earlier that week when I was asking where she would be so she thought it would be easier to divert and lie. She said it was a last minute impromptu meeting with some clients and one of her female friends with the client. I said it was pointless and I would have understood if she wanted to go out or had a last minute meeting. I naturally take it one step further... I decide to facetime her. She answers in the restroom and I'm asking where her friend is. She didn't answer or couldn't help the situation so I hung up.

I told her the night before I needed to trust her and I asked her to not ever lie to me like my mother has. She said she was better than that and wouldn't. I bring this up texting to her and then I did what hurt the most. I was at home and got destructive. I was tearing stuff up, her stuff. She later came home and saw what I had done and said she couldn't be with me. She could not forgive me. That's the first time I cried in 15 years because it kicked in, I realized what I had done. The one person I was supposed to be there for and protect, I caused hurt. I should have just walked away. I let my emotions get the best of me. I kept seeing that guy's face in the picture... That night my wife brought up what about the passion. I was so twisted I thought this was a clear sign she was cheating on me and found the passion in someone else. I later discovered what she meant in that I did nothing to kindle the flames. She later told me I stopped caring about myself, about her and us, our family. She said she felt alone and that I didn't help around the house like she would have liked. I told her that she never opened up to me. She said she is now because she has a voice. She wants to be independent.

For two months, I continued to do all the wrong things , I pursued for the kids, I smothered her. I blamed her. I also checked her phone log and saw unusual amounts of text from one number. I confronted her on it after finding out the name of the guy. He apparently texts her before her lunch and before she leaves for work a lot but not every day. I asked to see her phone and say well why isn't he listed. I was checking saved phone#s but he was under the texts. I said she was being secretive about everything and had issues with trusting how everything was lining up. She showed me his texts and asked me if I wanted to read them. I didn't have the heart. I didn't have the heart the other time to get into the car and drive to the cantina to see for myself what was going on. I left everything open. I wanted to find answers from my wife. I wanted her to fix me. I was so wrong for that. I even told her, you're on bc pills, you started being concerned about your looks, your new clothes, the guy's pic. I said there are clear signs that all point to an affair. It was all circumstantial...I had no real proof.

In the first two months, I hadn't talked to anyone. My wife and I send texts back and forth and there would be some okay days and some bad days. I started drinking a lot. I managed to lose 55 pounds in 3 months. Now my name is off the house. Some of her family knows of our situation but not everyone yet.

And here I am. I take all the blame for everything I've done to bring us to this point except that she had problems with me she harbored ill feelings and didn't give me a chance to help resolve them. She didn't communicate with me and the little she did when she wanted space, I kept pushing. Only after she said she wanted a divorce did she say she found her voice to tell me about all the problems. For two months we talked and bickered and then one day I told her I was getting help for myself. I stopped arguing with her, I started reading the books and I started to get help for myself. I'm doing the 180. She noticed immediately. I'm now learning to detach.

I have questions on detaching. My wife and I have been going out on the weekends a lot with her family for breakfast, dinner etc. When detaching do I not be around them either or her? I also work with an office full of women, some groups go out on Saturdays to try new restaurants. What is the general consensus with going out with women friends from work? Group okay, individuals no?

How can I balance being there for the kids and doing a 180 to be more helpful around the house but also be detaching at the same time? Like I help with bathing the little one more, I help with the homework. Instead of working out at the gym at work, I come home help with the kids and then get on the treadmill at home so she can see I'm putting in effort. I stopped the texting her every day. I stopped initiating every conversation and am not following her around the house but I do want to hold my end of the promises up like helping taking the kids to school and stuff like that.

Two weeks ago, we showed her family the model home which is the exact same plan she is getting. I stood quietly looking out the window and she saw me and knew it hurt that that was going to be our home but ever since August, she told friends and her siblings it was her home and that her sister who is helping to front her some money will be moving in the guest bedroom. Last week, she seemed to have felt guilty because we were out for breakfast and I had my hand on my sons shoulder and she put her hand on mine and caressed it in front of them. Naturally I placed my thumb over her hand. This was Saturday. On Sunday we go out to eat breakfast just us and the kids. I referenced the house as her house and with just us, she said our house. I was shocked... I didn't say anything. I remembered the trust nothing of what they say. Then when we got home, I'm all getting close to her. (This was before I read the detaching information) She moved away a little and my 6 year old said something like daddy kiss mom. She gave me this icy cold look and said no. I had to leave the situation and came in to read up on the detaching. After I did that's when she asked if I was still going to drop the kids off early at school and I told her we may have to revisit that so she said forget it. Am I doing the right thing? She has let me get closer to her than before in the beginning but I need to understand that means nothing and could actually hinder progress than help.

She doesn't know what I am reading but did see the book cover. She doesn't know of the site and I want to keep it that way. I did ask her once before if she would be interested in reading up on stuff and she said in her own time.

I need more info on detaching yet being that friend she needs. I feel like she may have been tempted to stray or might have been considering it, while wondering if this is all that I have to offer. I think she wants someone to match her and doesn't see that in me, and I don't know if I can come back from all the bad I've done.

If there is anything else to add, it would be that guy texted her from work one night after August and all year long before I didn't see his texts after a certain time but right after we sleep in separate rooms he texts. I got drunk one night and mentioned it and she said it was work related. There are times when other ppl from work has called her late at night. Then there are those romance novels she is so much more entrenched in reading now. She reads them all the time but sometimes I wonder if it helps her to fantasize about some other person or another life. One day after she knew she gave me her amazon password, I see this book in her browser history about affairs... and im wondering if she is for real about this or if she is testing my insecurity. I didn't bring it up.

I'm definitely going to need to come back here for strength because some days I question things, then other days I wonder how I could think such a thing about anyone else before I work on myself. I know I have a lot to work on.