Got home this afternoon and my H was already there. He’d taken our son to get his hair cut and fed the kids dinner. He had forgotten a work deadline and was rushing off to work so didn’t stay long. On the way home I was feeling really good. Lots of compliments about how I looked and was feeling really strong on my drive from work - telling myself that “I love him but I don’t need him.” Then I get home and I see him being so sweet to the kids and I suddenly feel so sad and not that strong at all. When he looks at me, however, I just see what I have always seen which is not much. He also told me that they were told after work that his boss has Stage 3 cancer and he was at work seemingly fine yesterday. I don’t know why because I don’t know him but that hit me really hard. I got almost teary. I think because it just reminds me of how prescious life is and that you never know when you are going to get dealt a blow like that and when you do, suddenly, family becomes everything. And my H is blowing ours up. I know he doesn’t think he is but he is. We will never be the same and that makes me incredibly sad. I really need to work at letting go of my idealized version of my H and really come to terms with who he actually is. They are not the same people unfortunately.
