Wow, DnJ...thank you for that. I had to read that several times and it meant a lot to me. I appreciate you taking the time to help me work through all that.
Your explanation of indifference vs detachment makes sense. You have given me a lot to think on and I doubt I'll be able to soak it all in all at once.
As far as filing for D, I think you listed out my thinking perfectly. I actually had started looking at what it takes to file in my state (in all this time since BD I have never done that) and it scared me off a bit. It was like D seemed like the rational way to go, but once looking at all it entailed it brought the whole thing in to focus, back to reality...and I realized that regardless of my indifference that I am not ready for that. Or rather I am not ready to be the initiator of that. I do not want to act out of emotions, or what feels like a lack there of. I think I'll take your advice and just let things be for now, I still have a lot of work to do on my self so that doesn't really need to be a focus for me for now.
One thing I am wondering about is when you mention "Now is when you need to go beyond and find your core, your beliefs, your convictions. You will discover your reasons and beliefs that are not based on your love or feelings towards W. These will be based on you - who you are." To me this sounds like a moral conviction kind of thing. Like, standing for your marriage based on the vows I took that go above the feelings I have for W. Is that what you meant? I think you are hinting at something profound here, but I may need it in 2x4 form. Is that a possibility? Sorry, you have gone out of your way so much in the messages you are giving me and here I am asking for more. Thank you for all.
You ask a few other questions that I want to answer even though I think they are rhetorical.
-Do I believe in MLC? - Yes I do. Sometimes I wonder about it being a blanket excuse for selfish behavior, but in the end I do believe in it due to all I have read AND witnessed with my own eyes. For 19 years W and I had a beautiful and loving relationship. She did not just fall out of love and lose her moral character in 2 months because thats a normal thing that happens.
-Do I believe in marriage? - Yes. I do. But I also believe that it takes 2 people to want to be in a marriage and to stay true to the commitment they made to each other. My feelings and convictions can't cover that for the both of us us.
-Do I believe W is worth this effort? - This one is harder to answer. The W I used to know and the relationship we used to have, yes. The W she could be again and the relationship we could develop in the future, yes (or probably, assuming she is some form of the wonderful person she used to be). Now? well, if she stays the way she is and nothing progresses between us...then no. The person she is now is not worth the effort. That is a hard thing to say, and maybe even a little selfish. The idea that I only put in effort to see some kind of return on investment. But...isn't that what a relationship is? Not the putting in effort to see a return, but a give and take between two people who want to share their lives together. If she never returns to wanting a relationship, then I would say that the effort would have been wasted. If there is a better way to view that then I am all open. Generally I am an optimist but I may be a bit jaded right now. I'm working on that...
Again...thank you so much for all of the thought and time you have put in to replying to me.
