Now the detailed work of fixing my NGS comes into play. Where do I draw the line between expressing that "I am OK (when I'm clearly bothered by my sitch)" and not spill my guts on my true feelings?
Don't discuss your feelings with her......period. Don't try to verbally express to her that you are okay or not okay. Your actions/behavior and attitude does all the necessary expressing. Frankly, the WW really doesn't care if you are okay or not. As for as she's concerned, everything is about her. She isn't interested in hearing about you.
The men in your NG support group may be able to help you in defining where to draw lines. As with most men who has NGS, I think it is initially difficult for you to know how to balance some of these areas/issues. It's difficult for some of them to understand how to implement some of the 37 rules, without more explanation. For instance, showing that you have a positive mental attitude, having a pleasant facial expression, being civil, etc... .sounds confusing for some men with NGS when we come along and tell him something that may sound a bit differently. It's not a different message, but it's his mindset toward his situation that's causing most of the confusion For example this rule means he should have this type of attitude and pleasant facial expression toward his family, people, and life in general. He doesn't need to go around with his lower lip dragging the floor or show her how devastated he feels, b/c this type of action makes him appear "weak" in the eyes of a WW. That's not to say he doesn't take serious things seriously.
Here's the thing... .you are not "happy" with her actions & choices. If you have a WW who has OM, you don't have to pretend that you are jumping for joy over what she's done........but neither should you go the extreme opposite and think she's going to respond toward your sadness and pain in some compassionate way. Your pain will not change her how she feels about the MR. Don't overkill by standing around with a goofy grin on your face, regardless of what's going on. If she's going out to meet another man, I wouldn't give her a big smile and tell her to have a great time... ..b/c she is disrespecting the MR. But neither should you go the opposite extreme and beg her not to go out, or let her see you crying, or following her around the house like a little puppy. You don't have to convince her you are okay with her, b/c you aren't. At the same time, you aren't going to give her the power to rob you of who you are inside, or to take away all your joy in life. Don't voice any of this to her, just do the actions. (Some LBH's want to repeat things they read on the board, and they shouldn't tell the W unless we specifically say so).
You would definitely not smile and happily engage with her when she is showing verbal disrespect in front of the children. Know what I mean? If she calls and gives you a tongue lashing, cursing and/or screaming...... don't be the nice guy and try to calm her down, or find out what's wrong, or rescue her, or fix her problem. You address the fact that you won't stay on the line while she verbally assaults you. If she continues, you hang up. You have to be firm and stern when the WW is disrespecting you. I would say you always draw the line when she does something to show disrespect toward you. That's what we mean by standing up to her.
Boundaries are like having an invisible line drawn around yourself. It's up to you to stop actions that invade that boundary and inflict you with pain. As someone has said, "We teach people how to treat us". The WW has lost respect for her H, but he can get it back if he'll start addressing these issues with consequences. I'm not saying it's his place to administer punishment. I'm saying if a person treats you disrespectfully, are they faced with any consequences... .or do you keep trying to get them to like you? I'm not suggesting vindictiveness. What do you do when someone crosses the line with you? This is really hard for some guys. They don't have a clue as what to do... .other than have a discussion about it. Unfortunately, by the time she's involved in some type of an A, talking is usually unsuccessful when dealing with a WW. She has to experience some type of loss/consequences for disrespecting her H. I think so many cases fail, b/c the betrayed H continues to live with his cheater W, trying to prove his worthiness to her... ..which is not the message to give her. Yes, he needs to do 180's in his life.. ...but do those that improved him as a man. Do it from the standpoint of strength, self respect, leadership, etc. Don't focus on trying to show her what a great MR you can have while she's desiring some OM. Look, she knows she's cheating and she'll only see her H compromising his own integrity and dignity to be with her. LBH's come on the board and want to immediately start doing all these loving things he should have been doing for years. He may refer to it as his 180's or whatever, but as long as she is in an A, it will appear that he's trying to "win" her back. That's not what she needs to see, b/c she will already try to twist & turn things around on him... .telling him things like how she doesn't know if she can trust him again. What?!
So, I suggest you draw the lines by knowing where your personal boundaries lie. Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, it's about protecting your feelings. For example, with the phone call where she is verbally assaulting you... ..the action is up to you. You are the one who has to do it. She then has a choice. She can honor your boundary by speaking in a civilized manner, or not call you. The only way you will speak with her over the phone is for her to do it respectfully. Make sense?
Word of warning about setting boundaries. You don't need to go around the house crowing about boundaries. B/c as soon as you told her something was a boundary........she will test you! So, be careful, b/c you'll have to back it up with an action if she dishonors it. And, stating a boundary doesn't make it effective. The consequences make it effective. In many cases, you don't have to say anything at all... ...you just have to act.
You'll need to depend upon yourself for happiness, rather than depending upon her to bring it. During this current situation with the WW, you need to think of yourself as an individual who is not dependent upon her ever-changing feelings/moods to be the deciding factor for what you decide to do. Refer to your standards, religious belief system, personal integrity, morals, values, etc. That's what should guide you in your decision making. Nice guys have been conditioned to respond according to his W's mood swings. They believe "happy wife is happy life" and it really messes with their head, b/c everything turns into making her appeasing her. So, it's a challenge for him to break away from that type of emotional conditioning.
One suggestion that might help, is to always be a step ahead by having a backup plan whenever she tries to throw a monkey wrench into things. Know what I mean? Stop just going with whatever she wants at the moment, and start making some decisions... .even little ones. Instead of checking with her first, as you habitually do.........makes plans yourself. Always have a plan for getting out of the house, so that you aren't "stuck" there. Always have a plan for the evening, instead of waiting to see what she does or what kind of mood she's in. I'm not saying to be the party planner for her. This isn't about her. You don't want to be hanging around with nothing to do. And, don't devote your weekends to home projects... ..b/c that does not score one single brownie point right now. It does come across to her as you trying to do something to appease her. Stay away from her as much as possible. Being physically and emotionally unavailable to her, is what you need to do at the moment.
Just for the record, the things you do in this current situation, are not necessarily the same as you'll do when going through piecing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
