Now the detailed work of fixing my NGS comes into play. Where do I draw the line between expressing that "I am OK (when I'm clearly bothered by my sitch)" and not spill my guts on my true feelings? Are there any resources/books I can access? I will bring this up to my support group this week.
Well DB'ing does say to act "as if". Meaning even if you are hurting and miserable inside you don't show it to your W and kids. In a normal relationship it is healthy to share your feelings with your SO. A lot of us end up here in part because we don't, or can't, or don't know how because we've been raised to keep it all inside. Anyway the problem with being BD'd is from that point until recon you are no longer in a "normal" R, so you shouldn't make it a routine to spill your feelings out to her. That said, I think in this particular case then first you should try not to be so cold/ indifferent towards her to begin with but if you can't help it and she asks you what is wrong then do give her a truthful reply. Maybe something like "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to take things out on you but I am just very frustrated about our situation and can't help acting like this sometimes, but I will try and work on it." Just make sure that you don't blame her, if you are sharing feelings then make it strictly about YOUR feelings. Your response should have a lot of "I" in it and little to no "you".
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That's key to validation? Not make it about me but about W?
Validation is trying to get someone to share their feelings, and then when they do, to simply acknowledge them. It is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ reasoning/ debating/ arguing. It is just seeking understanding. We men think every problem is presented to us as an opportunity to fix something. So if our W says "OMG I have had it with my boss, she never listens and I just want to kill her." We immediately look for ways to fix it. "Oh really? Well maybe she did it because you were rude to her? Or didn't get your work done? Maybe you should talk to her about it? Maybe you should email her instead of talking to her so she doesn't yell? Maybe you should tell her boss that she's being a 3itch to you? Etc. etc. That is NOT what women want us to do! They simply want validation. "Oh wow, that sounds very frustrating, is that how it makes you feel? I am sorry you're going through that, you really deserve to be treated better especially after everything you have done for your office, you are an amazing worker." Trying to fix it just makes it worse, it makes her think you are blaming her. But validating, she comes away thinking "wow he really gets it, he understands what I am going through and that makes me feel closer to him."
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The feeling changes day to day. Sometimes I feel like I'm progressing. Other days I feel like I'm regressing. Is inconsistency a part of this growth?
Recovery is not linear. We all have (or had) good days and bad days. Times we felt on top of the world and times we felt like crawling under a rock. It's definitely normal. Just hang in there and stick to DB'ing. The nice thing about DB'ing is it gives you a template for how to behave, so when you start spinning and feeling like you are losing control you can stop and say "what is proper DB'ing here" and it helps get you back on track.
