Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

- You mentioned in your first post that you had ordered the books. Have you received them? Did you read them? Do you understand the message they are trying to get across?

- If you have answered yes to the above question why buy more books?

Yes I have received them, I can say that I've not read them both, and probably did a poor job at comprehending what I did read. When I started this, I could feel her distancing herself from me, thus the title of my post referencing "pre-bomb drop". In the process of reading the book, I discovered the PA, and shifted gears to affair recovery per advice from the pastor. Enter Dr. Harley's book and MWD's Healing from an affair.

To be honest I think you are still trying to save your M when one of the first things you should have learned by now is that the M you knew is gone. Furthermore you really don't want that one patched up as a long term investment for the future. You have to start from scratch

This is the mindset I'm striving for.... has been extremely challenging for me so far..

Another point to cut out is snooping.I understand that a lot of errors are textbook and we all do or did them but cut it out. I can understand investigating to prove a suspicion but there is a fine line between snooping and "making sure". It's not healthy for you and proves you really aren't moving on.

I'll admit to struggling with this. I guess because she says there has been no contact w/ OM, yet they see each other every day at work. I have been doing much better though. The first two weeks I was a mess and was trying to keep tabs on her. I think the fact that he cut off contact with her makes me think about what would happen if he changed his mind and wanted my WS instead of his BS.

Sex ... we all like it, at least I do but it needs to be done with passion, romanticism or any other positive emotion that 2 people generate. As mentioned in the forum a lot of times, WWS and women in particular use it as a weapon or bargaining tool to obtain an objective. As a guideline I always remember the expression that men and women are "wired" differently. With regards to sex, men need sex to create a bond. Women need a bond to have sex. Obviously this is not always the case but I think it is pretty accurate and seems to be true. Would you say there is a bond strong enough to push her to have sex with you? But by playing you she is also making you create a false bond.

Bedroom. Are you guys still sharing the MB?

Obviously I'm no longer initiating, but if she does? Do I decline? That would be a huge 180 for me... She's never been one to initiate often..

Yes, she spent the first couple nights out of the MB, but has been back for about a month now.

Finally, once again, read and understand. Do not use this website as the answer for everything, try to work out things on your own and understand how everything is related and affects you. Do not be afraid to fall, sometimes for some it is the only way. Sometimes we need to learn the hard way before it sinks in. The good thing is that then it never leaves.

I will focus on reading to comprehend instead of skimming over the material trying to find what I think applies to me. I'm realizing i've missed several nuggets of wisdom in my haste to burn through the material. Should I put away MWD's Healing from Infidelity for now? I'm thinking yes?