Unsure what's next, what to do.....Part II

[SteveLW]

I didn't respond to the text and went to IC. These statements I guess sort of line up with what Acc posted and I quoted above, I would say. Nothing has really happened in the meantime. W went to her IC yesterday not sure how it went because I didn't ask which was something I had been doing the past. I'm continuing to do my best DBing. Aside from the Friday night break down and the text asking for the clarification.

The problem Wanted, and this is hard for newbies to understand, is that doing your best DBing is consistency. What happened Friday, and then the text, that is pressure. That is pursuit. And it undermines everything else you might be doing right. It is such a temptation to look at DBing and say "well, I've been doing it 95% of the way well, but failing in 5%". That 5% will kill you. And it is necessary for you to understand that. DBing cannot be successful without consistency.

Now, when someone messes up and makes a mistake, there is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is to resolve to start over and be better from that point forward.CONSISTENCY over time is the key. Go read all these other threads. You will see those that struggle the most are the ones that have the most mistakes. "I am DBing, but I made a mistake last night." "I have been DBing consistently for the last 5 days but this morning slipped up." Every slip up takes you backwards. You lose ground. True all you can do is start trying again, but learning from those mistakes is paramount. It is impossible to be successful without learning from your slip up and moving forward.

The letter. The text. They all give her the same message: he is still attached to me and I can have him back anytime I want him. The garbage about crying due to the pain she caused. And saying she feels like she is past the point of no return due the irreparable pain she has caused is ALL bunk. It is an effort to "let you down easy". The fact is that deep down she knows she can have you back.....anytime she wants. And that makes her not want it.

That is why DBing is effective. Because once you truly detach, let go, GAL (showing her you will be fine without her), and at time same time 180 on your own toxic behavior, that is when she feels like she is losing you, that she won't be able to have you back. And for many (not all) people that makes them want you back! It is the weirdest dynamic.

So what you've done with the letter. And the text. Is showed her that she can still have you back. Her excuse for not being open to it is all of the words (and I emphasis words because that is all they are) that she typed in response to your text. I heard similar things verbally from my W. "I tried for 18 years!" "There is too much damage!" "The relationship has suffered too much trauma to be saved." It is all excuses for her to continue down this wayward path that she is on.

DBing shows her that not only won't you stand in her way, but that you are going to be just fine no matter what she decides. When you DB really well you will know it because she will come to you and temp check you. "Is he really moving on? Or can I still have him back if I want him!?" Sometimes it takes the form of an accusation "I know you much be seeing someone!" But it will come.

In my sitch, when I started to be very consistent in my DBing, my W started to question her decision. I got counseling started, I GAL, I 180'd, and I detached. I talked to a lawyer. Offered to help her find a job. Finally quit snooping and confronting her. And all of that said to her "plan B is slipping away, and plan A has no solid footing!" And that made her question herself. At the same time by DBing was doing one thing she never expected......it was making her respect me again.

Marriages don't die due to a lack of attraction. Attraction is a red-herring. A W has to be able to respect her husband to feel attracted to him. You work on gaining back her respect, you will have a chance of attracting her back, and that can save your marriage. And guess what....crying over a letter you wrote and texting her seeking needy reassurance ain't going to do it!!