Unsure what's next, what to do.....Part II

[Wanted1]

Who is the easier spouse to leave (all other things being equal), a terrible abusive monster, or a genuinely good person? If you left an abusive monster how would you feel? Free? Vindicated? Empowered?

If you left a genuinely good person, and with the passage of time it became apparent to you that your issues have more to do with how you feel about yourself than anyone else, how would you feel? Shame? guilt? embarrassment? failure?

If someone evokes the feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment within you, are you likely to want to interact with them more or less?

Her avoidance of you has everything to do with how she feels about herself and very little to do with you. She's not looking at you, she's looking in the mirror and doesn't like what she sees.

You will change that narrative when you're having a kick-ass life and she feels left behind. When you get there, I'll be you that she won't be hesitant to interact with you at all.

Acc, I took this comment from another thread and I want to tell you that it makes me feel a lot better and gives me a different perspective on my sitch because my wife has pretty much come out and told me she feels this way due to the affairs, infidelity, etc. I helps me understand her POV so to speak. I'm glad I was reading ballast's thread and came across this. Thank you.

Small update:

W is taking a new job on Friday. Last Friday after work I was in the MBR and I decided to sit down on my computer and just write out some thoughts I had about W and I working together for the past 9 years. At the time, I wasn't for sure if I was going to actually give it to her or not. The letter started out that I was writing this to her not as her husband, but as her co-worker and business partner. I went on to talk about how I probably took her for granted in our work and that I truly appreciated everything she did for our business and that her determination and perseverance are amazing attributes that will serve her well in her new job. I also wrote that I felt so blessed to be able to spend 9 years working alongside her.

So, after I wrote it and was rereading it, I really broke down hard. Of course, the door was open and W was walking by and saw me. She came in and sat on the bed next to me and started crying as well telling me she's so sorry for this. We had a talk about everything and in my moment of weakness showed her what I had wrote. She was extremely grateful for it. (at least that's what she told me).

I then left Sat morning for the weekend to GAL. My IC session was on Monday morning so while I was driving to that I thought about something she had said to me during that talk on Friday night. I wanted some clarification on what she meant so I could share it with my IC. So I texted her asking for it. Here was her response:

I guess I meant what we had discussed basically at the couples session. That I struggle putting my feelings into words that I feel will be “good enough” to understand. A part of me really wants to be able to list everything out cleanly and neatly in list form, as your IC wanted me to be able to do… but to be honest, that feels sort of impossible.
 
I think we both agree that this revolution in our lives requires completely starting over. I think we have talked about and both agree on that. That nothing has or will ever be the same before this experience. Not our relationship, and not you and I ourselves. But again, and it kills me to think of how hurtful this is, but I simply do not want to start over with you. I continue to not be urged to move closer to you. I think it would be possible if I were fully dedicated to you. I think it would be hard as hell, but I believe we could try all options and put in the work. But that does not feel right to me in my heart. I think part of it has to do with how much irreparable pain I’ve caused you. It consumes me. And I know you said that forgiveness is possible for you if we throw away the old relationship and start anew, but I’m not sure that level of forgiveness is possible for me, towards myself and towards the toxicity we have created for 12 years. I feel that the lack of communication, lack of intimacy, my affair(s), the lack of “caring” we both share towards one another, verbal and non-verbal criticizing/attacks on one another, the lack of attention and time we have put into our relationship, on and on, all stem from the deep disrespect we have grown to foster in our marriage and toward one another. And that our marriage is too deeply intertwined with dishonesty, betrayal, and disrespect. I have not treated you as a husband should be treated. I don’t know how to “define” all of these feelings. I don’t know if that’s the idea your IC was referencing when she said there is “too much water under the bridge” or not.

I didn't respond to the text and went to IC. These statements I guess sort of line up with what Acc posted and I quoted above, I would say. Nothing has really happened in the meantime. W went to her IC yesterday not sure how it went because I didn't ask which was something I had been doing the past. I'm continuing to do my best DBing. Aside from the Friday night break down and the text asking for the clarification.