Sorry that you are going through this. A positive step is that you ended up in the right place.
If I may I would like to add my 2 cents worth.
- You mentioned in your first post that you had ordered the books. Have you received them? Did you read them? Do you understand the message they are trying to get across?
- If you have answered yes to the above question why buy more books?
- You mentioned you talked to a pastor about the matter and about infidelity. While I respect all religions and believe help can come from anywhere I seriously doubt that religion and the book you bought will be of use.
- I understand you read the rules? Do you understand them?
The reason for the above questions is that a lot of times I see people come here looking for answers to direct questions and situations but if they do not read and more importantly understand the books then it is all just words. Detaching, validating, GAL, moving on, boundaries, etc are not understood and therefore not correctly applied.
If you haven't, I seriously suggest you read and re-read the books until things make sense and click. I remember I had to take the book and go over points to read between the lines and then like a jigsaw everything began to fall into place. Obviously with help from the forum, a lot of help but consider the forum as a place to discuss battles and reading where you learn to plan a strategy. Battles end up wearing you down.
Reading your situation first point is I would not take the time between A (a) and A (b) as a period of calm. Just like a hurricane that is the eye and those are sometimes recharging periods before the WWS goes at it again. It reminds me when during a marriage after a period of nagging the S shuts up and the other S thinks things are ok when in fact it is the opposite. Here it is the same and your W is long gone.
To be honest I think you are still trying to save your M when one of the first things you should have learned by now is that the M you knew is gone. Furthermore you really don't want that one patched up as a long term investment for the future. You have to start from scratch.
The reason I say this and think it is important is that if you work on yourself for yourself and not looking through the corner of your eye to see if she notices the changes, in which case you are failing the whole point and working for her, you will start to notice her flaws, her disrespect towards you and you will then question if that is really the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will make her earn every ounce of you whereas now you look like a garage sale on offer.
Another point to cut out is snooping.I understand that a lot of errors are textbook and we all do or did them but cut it out. I can understand investigating to prove a suspicion but there is a fine line between snooping and "making sure". It's not healthy for you and proves you really aren't moving on.
One word Sandi uses a lot is respect. Obviously your wife has no respect for you. Respect is not the only building block but it is an important one. Even if you both do not work it out you can always tell when a woman has respect for you and earning it in a way is representative of how you act as a man in general. Alpha males generate a lot so you need to up your game.
Sex ... we all like it, at least I do but it needs to be done with passion, romanticism or any other positive emotion that 2 people generate. As mentioned in the forum a lot of times, WWS and women in particular use it as a weapon or bargaining tool to obtain an objective. As a guidline I always remember the expression that men and women are "wired" differently. With regards to sex, men need sex to create a bond. Women need a bond to have sex. Obviously this is not always the case but I think it is pretty accurate and seems to be true. Would you say there is a bond strong enough to push her to have sex with you? But by playing you she is also making you create a false bond.
Rear view mirror. Stop doing things and judging how they affect your W and if she will notice any change. The idea is that you DO change. She messed up and is responsible for her actions but from what I have read you are guilty of your own crimes. If you do not look into the mirror and see who you are and change what needs to be changed you will fail now and in any other relationship you may have. I can tell you from experience that I became a better man, husband and father as a result.
Contacting the OM. I will never forget the words from Cadet. Forget the OM focus on your R, he is just a distraction. So true. An OM/OW or EA PA only steps in when there is a crack in your R. Focus on your R so that your WWS also wants a R and will take the necessary steps to shut out any "distractions". At the end of the day it is the WWS who has to take those steps. An OM is like a mosquito buzzing around waiting for an opportunity and it is up to your W to stop that from happening. No matter how many times you shoo them away they always come back. And if not the same one then a replacement. It is your W job to not be a target anymore.
Bedroom. Are you guys still sharing the MB?
Another point ... GAL and being attractive to your W is not really cleaning up. I can tell you from my own experience I did not have to clean dishes left right and centre nor leave the house spotless. What I did make sure is to clean up after and not leave the are dirty. Going out on guys night bowling or "safe" areas are ok but sometimes guys stay away from dangerous areas in case W gets a hump. What are dangerous areas? well imagine your W dresses up looks sexy and goes with friends partying and arrives in the morning at what ever time. How do you feel? Bet your imagination goes wild. You on the other nad go to a gym and come back in the evening and are tucked up by bedtime. Imagine now you start to meet new people, male and female and go out to different places and also come back late or dont but open up your social circle. Things change.
What I would not advise is as some do and start a R with someone new while still in no mans land with their WWS. First because they are not emotionally ready, it messes up with the DB and may hurt the other person. Secondly because it is generally vindictive and just another example of not really moving on. Acts of revenge are filled with emotion against someone, unless of course you are a Klingon, and just show you are living in the past.
Finally, once again, read and understand. Do not use this website as the answer for everything, try to work out things on your own and understand how everything is related and affects you. Do not be afraid to fall, sometimes for some it is the only way. Sometimes we need to learn the hard way before it sinks in. The good thing is that then it never leaves.
As my dad used to say, if you don't listen you must feel. That was before I got a wipping for doing some stupid sh1t.
There are a lot more things but I hope this can be of help and you get something out of it.
