I can see that asking H about whether he will extend the separation could be seen by him as pressure and pursuit. The purpose of the 2 months was supposed to clarify whether we (H) wanted to work on the marriage or throw in the towel. I could go on like this for several more months, I think, because, I'm satisfied with my GAL activities and the kids will be home for December into January, which will be awesome. But at some point we will have to have a R talk, and if he wants to stay separated without a D for now, shouldn't there be a reason for it? Shouldn't I be privy to that reason? Maybe he doesn't even know himself.
I can see that asking H about whether he will extend the separation could be seen by him as pressure and pursuit. The purpose of the 2 months was supposed to clarify whether we (H) wanted to work on the marriage or throw in the towel. I could go on like this for several more months, I think, because, I'm satisfied with my GAL activities and the kids will be home for December into January, which will be awesome. But at some point we will have to have a R talk, and if he wants to stay separated without a D for now, shouldn't there be a reason for it? Shouldn't I be privy to that reason? Maybe he doesn't even know himself.
I think your last sentence is probably the key.
You need to ask yourself if you would rather have an answer now (or at the end of the month) or if you want to give your marriage the best chance of being reconciled.
As long as you are still working on yourself and on detachment, I wouldn't push the issue. But that's just my two cents.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Grace - I agree with Rose. He does not know himself what he wants. My H tried to tell me this many times before he MO. I just wouldn't listen. I kept trying to fix us. I pushed him into MC. I tried to get him to talk ALL THE TIME. What i didn't know was that it had less to do with us and more to do with him. I couldn't fix us because I couldn't fix him. The more I tried the more it pushed him away. The more I tried to be close to him, the further away he wanted to be.
It went from "I don't know what I want" to "I don't want this".
So, leave him be, get on with GAL and 180'g. Give him the space he needs to work out what he wants. Be the most authentic and attractive version of yourself you can be. Not for him, but for you. He will notice.
Yes every step will feel like another step further apart. I am much further on than you in the process, and every day something happens that causes me to pause and feel the hurt all over again. He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before going to bed and the sheer act of pretending to not care about him is exhausting. But what is my alternative.
Staying up late and watching the election returns. Too much time alone, and looked at our phone records. 2 longs conversations from a number I didn't recognize. Nope. Not an OW. The number is registered to a Family Law Attorney. WTF!!! Not even out barely a month. Yikes. I feel like I need to vomit. I thought I was doing well. Really Well. I'm in shock, I think. I had fleeting thoughts of contacting my own attorney just to shop around "just in case", but I thought I had time. I'm a bit of a mess. Not sure how well I'll sleep tonight.
I want to text him "have you ever contacted an attorney?". Just to see what he says. Maybe wait a few days. I know I shouldn't, and should contact my own attorney, but I don't know if I have the strength to avoid it. HE'S the one that said we can avoid attorney's if it came to that and just use a mediator. He spoke with them yesterday. Ugh. I hate this! It really [censored].
Grace - STOP!! Do not do it. Put your phone away. Breathe. Step back. Do not back him into a corner. So he made a couple of calls. All of our H’s move out because they are toying with the idea of a D. Don’t make him want one more than he already does. Scream. Cry. Punch a pillow. Throw darts at his picture. Write. Pray. Read. Watch a scary movie or a comedy. Distract.
I know how you feel. My H was talking D with my SD when she was here this weekend. It has affected me, no doubt, but I am slowly coming to terms with it. It ain’t over until it’s over. The important thing is that he hasn’t brought it up to you. My H has not mentioned it to me either. Seven weeks ago he wanted to come home... was ashamed and willing to do whatever it takes to work it out. He backtracked two days later. It was too much...too painful to face himself. He has demons I will never understand and likely your H does too. You have to give him the space to face them. Stay in the moment. Do not worry about the future. It has not happened yet and may not happen. DB. GAL. In whatever way you can. You will get through this. Don’t make this harder by looking ahead and making dire predictions. You can do this. Gosh...I wish I could just give you a hug because I know exactly what you are feeling right now. It is awful. Please don’t contact him though. Nothing good can come from that.
DejaVu...Thanks for the voice of reason. Maybe I will be able to get a few moments of sleep now. I was just telling my friend today that I haven't had a single night that I hadn't had a good night sleep since H left, and how I thought it was so weird. Then WHAM! This happens, and here I am wide awake at midnight.
Anyway, if I said anything to H, he would know I was spying at the phone records, obviously. So, I know that would be a very bad thing to divulge. I will try to hold back. But it's so darn hard, as any LBS knows.
I still think it might be wise to seek my own counsel. Just maybe some preliminary interviews. I'll have to mull it over for a few days. I don't even know where to begin.
Never hurts to know where you stand. Take the time you need. There is no rush. Let him be. I know it is counterintuitive. All of us worry that if we start to GAL and he notices that he will then think that we are okay with the situation and push on ahead. I don’t know if that is the case or not. I do know, however, if that I look sad or mopey whenever my H sees me and I make passive aggressive comments, etc... it will NOT pull him closer to me and more likely, will just give him more evidence that D is the right thing. Crazy but I know that my H is basically letting his feelings rule his decisions and if he feels badly about himself in my presence, he will want to end that pain asap and that might mean pushing for a D. However, if he feels good in my presence and he sees me being strong and kind towards him, it will also give him the gift of time and maybe, just maybe, he might question himself a little bit. Regardless, I do know with certainty that one approach will definitely lead to D. The other one might still lead to D but even if it does, I think I will be in a better place to deal with it. I had a major urge to text my H tonight and I am feeling really proud of myself that I didn’t. You will also feel proud of yourself that you didn’t text him. And you are right...it would only tell him that you are spying and give him justification for what he is feeling. The only way to really get him back is for you to find a way to let him go. (((HUGS)))
P.S. It is always easier to advise others than to do it yourself...lol. I am a work in progress with this DBing...no doubt.
Hi Grace - Don't worry about him speaking to a solicitor. I have spoken to three now and at no point during any of those conversations did I really want to get divorced/separated. I just wanted some reassurance, that in the event of a D, I would not be left high and dry.
The first about a month post BD. I told him in a moment of weakness - I wanted him to know this was SERIOUS. Like you, he did not think it had gone that far ... strangely, he thought telling me that he didn't think he wanted to be in the marriage and then treating me like a leper for a month was not going to make me think the marriage was over .. but I digress ... don't read into it.
I am considering contacting 2 or 3 attorneys to interview them for a good fit if/when I might need them down the road. I would like someone in place if something happens (papers served, for example). I am developing a list of questions, and would welcome the questions that are 'must ask' as well as things you wish you had addressed in a D and didn't. We have no minor children, but I know I will need clauses to ensure any expenses while they are in college are split at least 50-50%. I also plan to show up with printouts of income, assets, etc, which I have been collecting recently.
I'm still in knots over the discovery that H talked almost an hour with an attorney. The text messages have been silent for a few days, and I will not initiate.
1. understand the divorce process 2. child maintenance (set amount for keeping roof over the childrens heads and food in their belly). If 50/50 split on custody then neither of you get maintenance (which is fair). how do u want custody split? what is reasonable? what is in best interest of your children 3. children related costs - school fees, clothes, unexpected costs, health insurance, future costs (university fees etc) 4. spousal maintenance (are u entitled - normally income based, current and future) 5. division of assets (home, cars, pensions etc plus debts)
other thinga if u have pets then pet insurance, upkeep and vets bills. do you want a say in who babysits/watches your children what about future partners (when can they meet the children) etc (not sure if this is a legal thing but worth thinking about)
Lastly, know what is worth fighting for and what ia just being petty. Stick to your guns but dont be driven by hate.
The first solicitor I saw explained the base process for all of the above. fair but very "production line" Second was hard core - tried to get me to go after everything, house, his pension, spousal support, future earnings etc Third was more moderate - encouraged 50/50 on everything and was interested in minimizing impact on our kids.
