I haven't replied because I've really been really thinking about what you said. I hear what you're saying about there not being an "AHA" moment, and her showing you that she got it. Problems I'm struggling with are 1) that we no longer live together, so there's little opportunity to see 180s on her part (I understand I will probably hear about changes in her behavior from friends/kids, etc.), and the kind of 180s I will see/hear won't give me any indication that she's interested in R, 2) in order for there to be a R, at this point, she would kind of have to come out and tell me she's interested in one, and I guess I don't care to give up what I've got going on without a commitment from her to do things differently, 3) she's not one to admit, even to herself, that she was wrong, and 4) a month ago when we talked, she was very clear that she didn't want to go to counseling again. I can't say the counsellors helped, so I can see why she feels that way. They weren't really DB coaches. I'd look for one, but doubt I will get her to go.
I'd love some further input.
1.No longer living together makes it tougher in some ways, easier in others. Either way it's out of your control so don't worry about it and spend that energy in a positive fashion. Or wallow in self-pity. The choice is yours. If she's interested in R, you will know it.
2. If she's interested in R, you will know it. (I'm noticing a trend....)
3. Sounds like it's out of your control.....(another trend...)
4. Who brought up counseling? DB coaches vs counselors doesn't matter all that much. They have different goals IMO. Either one's success will be much greater with a 2 person commitment than a 1 person effort. Why look for a MC when your W doesn't want MC? You like wasting your time and hurting your own feelings?
So that's it. Let go of what you can't control and work on what you can. Please tell me so more details about the last few contacts you've had with her, her attitude, what's been happening.
Jim, on #1 you DB for you, not her. If she notices then awesome. If not, you will be ready for the future!
#2 no, she won't have to come out and tell you. She'll have to come out and SHOW you. Remember, never believe what she says.And only half of what she does/ Do not trust her until she shows consistent behavior over a long period of time.
#3, she either will or won't. If she wants to R she will eventually.
#4, what do you want? Is MC part of your requirements for R? If so then stick to it, regardless of what she says. Remember, if she comes back you want her to be open to any and all stipulations. She doesn't get to dictate the terms of her return.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
