Point is, if she has good chemistry with you she's not going to care what her friends say beyond being annoyed by it. Its not going to be the big deal you're worried about.
Point taken. I do wonder though if twice divorced will come up as a red flag before the chemistry is established. As you do say though if she likes me enough no matter what her friends think it won't be a big deal.
Originally Posted by Accuray
I am worried, obviously, about who you're picking. If your IC is right and your wife has "severe anxiety disorder" that has all kinds of not so great behaviors associated with it. Why were you attracted to that, and why were you okay with being in a relationship with a person with severe anxiety disorder?
Yes, my IC believes there may be something wrong with "my picker" as she puts it so we are discussing it. I think I've said before I knew depression can negatively impact relationships, but i didn't understand how anxiety could until now. Before I showed up here I had ZERO idea on much of what we talk about. W was attractive, fun, we had similiar interests. Not like I considered/thought she had anxiety that could manifest itself negatively in our relationship. Also until our D arrived our MR was great. IC has told me no way I could have foreseen how W would change post-D. That comment concerns me most. We seemed ok and then a few years on, W changes and we're done. Another huge reason why I'm gun shy to try again.
Originally Posted by Accuray
If your first wife cheated on you, what got your relationship to that point?
I'd say we were far less compatible. It as SSM throughout. It was a true "mulligan". I don't recall her resentful/angry. I would say she didn't value me, had an opportunity and took it. As Sandi described above I took on the provider, come home and relax role that I saw my father take. I wasn't emotionally there for her, but W was completely uninterested in sex or children. Bottom line a bad match. I don't negate my role in it's failure, but I never went outside the MR. Perhaps it was a blessing that she did.
Originally Posted by Accuray
If you think that when push comes to shove, your partner is going to fold and give in to whatever crap you're bringing to the table, deep down you're not really going to respect them. If you don't respect them, you can't really value them, and at that point you can't really value the relationship, so you may be "hanging in" and going through the motions of being married, but you're not really in.
Each person needs to be willing to say "hey, what's going on now isn't working for me. If it doesn't change, I'm done." They need to mean it, and the other person needs to believe it.
So when i married my W, I truly believed in the for better or worse...whatever may come I am vowed to you for life. I did not accept a caveat nor place an asterik beside it saying "but if this stops working for me, i reserve the right to leave". BUT I think these days MANY men and women do place such an asterik beside their vows. Rightly or wrongly as the traditional man and from watching my father, I bought into the "happy wife, happy life". So if we got into a fight over blinds or color in the kitchen or whatever, if it's important to her then whatever she wants is fine with me. I don't see me as "caving", but rather making her happy. Now if that causes her to lose respect for me. Flip it though, say I stick to my guns and get my color. She will resent me for life over that. How does a man be a great husband when he's d**ned if he does, d88ned if he don't? The other part for me, W had great taste. Simply wasn't much for me to dispute with her and truly she didn't bring that much crap to the table. At least nothing that I thought was so bad I had to counter on. No one should live unhappily forever, but to me if you marry as a Christian, you must accept your vow as sacred, expect "worse" to come about from time to time and be will to forgive each other to preclude resentments and anger from destroying your MR. When you say "If it doesn't change" again being dedicated to communicating your needs to your spouse in a way that THEY understand is critical. Best as I can tell my W simply expected me to figure it out/know.
If we moved marriage to the point where both sides are self concious that at any time if "it isn't working" for their partner they will walk, then we're all walking on a tighrope praying we do everything correctly, missteps will not be forgiven. Perhaps for the modern generation that's true and we've got divorces all over the place to show for it. For my parent's generation, ain't neither one of them ever worried/thought that about the other. They were married, took vows, where were they going anyway if they did want to leave? Come what may they stayed. Were they "happy" throughout, absolutey not, but did they expect that they were entitled to feel happy all the time? No. Again to borrow from Sandi I think many men/women from our generation are too drawn to the entitled manifestations of ME FIRST.
Up front I want to blame myself for both of my failures. I'm self aware AND completely believe had I been a better husband, W wouldn't have left. Thing is she did, my IC tells me it's on her for walking and at least 80% of why this occured is on her. None of that makes me happy nor absolves me for the blame I feel inside myself. Truth is though, the more I learn/read while MUCH of it makes sense, the more clueless/helpless I feel I become. I feel I have to be every way and no way in relationships, walking on eggshells that at some point, it may not work for them anymore and on my head I'll be again. I'm working hard with my IC to address my shortcomings. Feeling like I'm the problem has me scared s88tless to try again. While I'll willingly accept it, I just don't understand/know how I am and heck, then again maybe I'm actually not.
