Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

So W called today and said she got our family class got bumped up and I needed to call to confirm. I said why do I need to call why haven't I gotten a call. She said the courthouse has been in contact with her. I said so are we still going to file taxes jointly and save money? She says yeah the less money the govt. gets the better. So I call and they let me know I am locked into this date and that the other party (my W) has to call and confirm. I call W up and say what the heck, you lied to me, you weren't signed up for this earlier class now I am locked in. She gave some B.S. excuse and said she will call after she gets off the phone. I say well we can still finish the decree and finalize everything after the new year. It would be more tax advantageous for you than for me to file M. I say filing S will put you in a higher bracket and our decree says you cannot claim the kids. She says she wants to think about it.

Think about it? Are you kidding me. I am just so done with helping her out. DB says keep the roads paved smooth, but its really hard to keep things smooth when she wrecks things before the road pavement can set. Just put a fork in me I am done, she wants to make the road rocky that's her problem now.

She later W called to tell me are we still on for having the kids out of the house Sat. while the movers are there. I say my Mom will be over in the a.m. to pick them up. She say what do you mean your mom, I want you to watch the kids at your parents house not your mom watch them. She says I don't want to see your mom, I don't want your mom see me moving out of our house. I say I hear you and I can understand how you feel that way. She enthusiastically says really that's great so you can watch them. Then I say the day you move out you are vacating the home and it becomes My home, therefore I will not be leaving My home while movers show up to move your things from My home. She gets really pissed and hangs up on me. However, my intentions are to protect myself. I don't want her to have access willy nilly to my home. Even though its doubtful I could come home and find that the movers have moved out anything or everything from the home. I then would have to fight that battle to get things back. The other thing is that I want to be home in case of damages. Because of W choices I have been through 6 moves in our 13 year marriage, this will be her 7th with the last 4 moves happening basically once every year. Anyways I have seen what can happen to a home if you have careless movers. I am not leaving the house while that happens. She calls me back later to let me know she is taking the kids to her sisters house for the day. Then back to her new house. I remind her that they are on my schedule at that point so I will be picking them up and they will be going back to my house.

So due to the phone calls and some other stresses from W related to getting kids to activities this afternoon I was really looking forward to lifting today. Right now my regimen is lean bulking. 3 days a week of strength training and 3 days a week of 30 minutes of running. While lifting I kept thinking, its pretty obvious she isn't always going out with friends. She is very likely out on dates with OM or dating in general. She also doesn't have any or very little respect for me, puts the blame on me, and makes me the bad guy. She also takes and takes whenever I give or give in. WTF, why do I even care if she has no respect for me, I am the one who should have no respect for her. I didn't cheat, I am not a liar, I took my vows to her and God serious. I am the one who takes care of themselves physically. I have always tried to improve myself and this D has just really opened up my eyes and kicked it into high gear for self improvement. Mentally and emotionally improving, I was already working on the physical aspect well before BD. I am working on improving my parenting, playing both the mom and the dad because I have to. I don't go out and buy my kids affections (W did that today for D8 because D8 caught her in a lie) I know I am the better person. I know I contributed to her actions, I can point to things in the last 5 years of our MR that contributed to this. I have apologized to her to no avail and honed up to my mistakes. However, there wasn't really anything I can point to in this last year that contributed to her actions. So likely she likely built up years of resentment because of me with unrealistic expectations towards me. She never really tried dealing with her depression, or dealing with her ptsd, or dealing with her grass is greener syndrome, but having a H that always has wanted to work on the M and work things out and help however he could even if he wasn't well equipped and still tried.. Then some d-bag of obvious questionable morals flashes her a smile and probably feeds her B.S. causing her to dump 13 years of M and a 20 years R and 3 awesome kids, a family that is whole, for some fantasy and a false high? Weak....That is just weak a$$ sh!t. I am better than that. I will always be better than that.

While lifting I remembered something I heard Jocko Willink say on a podcast I was listening to a couple weeks ago about D. Jocko said, "Hangout with your bada$$ self become a better person and get into the gym and get after it, lifting solves everything."