...I have been considering filing for D. I'm not really sure why.
This is part of that don’t do anything drastic advice. Until you are sure - don’t do anything. Answers will come, honest.
I want to speak to the “not sure why, but am consider filing for D”. There are a coupe of things.
First, as indifference takes hold your feelings for W will be quashed, suppressed - and nature abhors a vacuum. As I said other feelings will fill that void and seem much larger than they really are. Some pretty common advice I have given is do not make decisions based on feelings. Feeling are fleeting. Well, do not make decisions based on lack of feeling either.
Both of those are in play with this.
1) You lack feelings for W, ergo you concluded we are done - get D.
2) You have new and large feelings for nice, new, could be special, person (even if you haven’t met them yet). You conclude - this is great, might as well get D and get started on better life. Those exaggerated feelings, feel real, they are real, they just aren’t as big as you feel they are. Remember they are fleeting, let them settle.
Second, indifference and the nothingness it brings. You have been through a pretty dramatic time in the last while, you are used to having some drama in your life, in a way you are addicted to drama. The nothing, the limbo, your mind will work against it, will look for some form of drama or excitement.
These two forces work on you, ideas start to form, reasons are created, logical thoughts to rationalize are formulated, all in an attempt to convince yourself to do something dramatic and exciting.
You stated quite a few of them. Not interested in being with the women W has turned in to. I can’t feel the love I used to feel. I should just go ahead a call it. That would be the logical step. Can’t see reconciliation. W probably can’t do what is required. If this won’t happen, I should just move forward. And so on.
Yep my thought and feelings, exactly. Realise what is happening to you.
Now is when you need to go beyond and find your core, your beliefs, your convictions. You will discover your reasons and beliefs that are not based on your love or feelings towards W. These will be based on you - who you are.
Do you believe in MLC? Do you believe in marriage? Do you believe in W? Do you believe she is worth this effort?
Just some ideas to get you started. Notice - do you believe she is worth it, not - do you feel she is worth it. A big difference there.
When you have indifference and are healed enough to be able to walk away, that is when you truly start to stand. That is the real start of the test. Dig deep, find your convictions, learn your beliefs.
- - - -
Detachment vs indifference.
This is for the viewpoint towards our spouse, it is what we most struggle with. However one can be attached, detached, indifferent to any person, place, or thing.
Detachment is when your emotional state is not directly affected by your spouse’s emotional state, behaviours, or actions.
It is the opposite of attachment, where your emotions change depending on your spouse’s emotions, behaviour, or actions. Your emotional response is based on an irrational coupling to your spouse. This emotional response is uncontrolled and unavoidable.
We all remember being attached. When your spouse treated you badly, you felt bad or sad. When they behaved nicely towards you, you felt so much better. Then they left with OP kissing on the way out the door and you crash into depression and fear. You could not control your emotions, they changed based on your spouse.
As more rational ideas and thoughts gain foothold, more control over your responses is attained. When you are detached it is not, that you don’t feel anything, you can still get upset, sad, whatever - you can just rationally see the reason and you are in control. You are not riding that emotional rollercoaster. A step towards indifference.
Indifference is the absence of feelings, or very little feelings, for your spouse. Where in detachment you could be still very much in love, just not irrationally dragged along - in indifference you do not have those passionate feelings.
Some say hate is the opposite of love. Not true. Both are born in the crucible of passion and are but a razor edge apart. We have all experienced those times where the person we love (our spouse) does something so stupid, or wrong, or hurtful - we suddenly hate them. Of course we get over it and love returns. We are deeply passionate towards our spouse and love and hate are passionate emotions.
Indifference is nothing, neutral, bland, the opposite of passion. It is like the feelings one has for a stranger, maybe even less. Indifference for your spouse does seem more than indifference for others. Their actions and our own defence mechanisms put more protection, more walls, more indifference between us and our spouse than between us and some man off the street. It does make sense, our spouses hurt us greatly, and our healing would cause a greater disconnect in response to the greater hurt.
Indifference can, and sometimes does, get to the point of just not caring about them anymore. Our spouses have this mastered. Some of you have experienced this from your spouse and know just how great indifference can become.
However, for most LBS, we still care. Our feelings of love for our spouse is lessened. However our love still exists in our thoughts and core beliefs. It is here that something amazing takes place, deep within who you are, and defined by your beliefs.
That love that you know you have, you believe in, will grow. It will transcend, freed from the boundaries of passion, it becomes more - you love unconditionally.
Without the love/hate passion, you love based on reason, faith, who they were, who you are, your long lives together, a belief that they are still inside trapped somewhere - you will love based on whatever your core values are. You will love with out the constraints of passion. You will love them, who there are, and it will have no detraction due to feelings of dislike or hatred. This is how it becomes unconditional - love based on beliefs instead of feelings.
A love like that leads to forgiveness.
A love like that brings peace.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
