Thank you DnJ. I so appreciate your perspective and advice. I just came back from meetings at my kids’ school. Thankfully my H wasn’t able to attend so I didn’t have to deal with conflicting feelings. I figured out last night that the reason I was so bothered by his presence at the last meeting was because he was sitting there so concerned and present which is what I literally prayed for the past four years. And my prayers were answered EXCEPT that in order for him to be there, he had to leave me. So this beautiful family of four that we created has become a broken family of three. Either them with me or them with him and rarely, if ever, the four of us together. That is the hardest part. Thinking that my kids will always have to choose one parent over the other for special occasions and big events. And that even if we figure out a way for both of us to be somewhere at the same time, it will never, ever be the same as having two parents together who love each other as much as they love you. That experience is so valuable and irreplaceable and I ache for my children, and me, that they will not have that...that I cannot give that to them.
I look back on my childhood and I realize that much of who I am today, my core values and beliefs, come from living with and observing my parents’ journey together. It’s not that they didn’t go through things. They did. They also argued but rarely, if ever, went to bed angry. Their’s was a deep and enduring love. Not the kind of love that my H wants...the first couple years of hormone-driven excitement with no challenges or disappointments... but that long lasting, committed, respectful love everyone wants to achieve and sadly only a small percentage make it to in this modern world where you can find alternatives with the swipe of a finger on a screen. And we wonder why the world is the way it is nowadays. Values have been eroded, self-gratification and putting “me” first is viewed as something we should all do to the exclusion of everything else...nothing is sacred anymore. My parents had their ups and downs but they always, always modeled respect, compassion, forgiveness and communication as being the most important elements of a relationship. Sadly, my dad developed pancreatic cancer in 2004 only a few months after my mom retired. He had been retired a couple of years. My mom nursed him in my childhood home [she was a nurse by profession] until, at the age of 66, he took his last breath on July 4, 2005 and then she missed him every day until cancer came calling for her and she took her last breath May 10, 2017. I pray that they are together now. My H never met my dad as we only met about a month before my dad passed. It is a shame. They would have gotten along and my H would have learned a lot from him. Certainly he has heard a lot about him and, I fear, likely feels like he could never measure up in my eyes. He has made some comments over the years alluding to this. I have tried hard not to make comparisons and there have been times when I have told my H that he reminds me of my dad in certain ways. But my H knows that my dad was honourable, honest and committed...these are qualities he left behind long ago so even if I don’t make any direct comparisons, when I talk about my dad, I think my H makes those connections and then resents me for it. I don’t talk about him much anymore in my H’s presence other than that I wish my kids had had a chance to know him. He would have loved them passionately - unlike my H’s dad who hasn’t seen them for over a year and a half and does not ask about them.
Anyway... that’s enough stream of consciousness writing for now. To be continued many more times this week, I’m sure, as I endeavour to put more distance between me and my H and reduce our relationship to more of a business one. It is going to be hard. Aside from my sister, he has been my best friend and I have been his and when he is his friendly and smiling at me, it is so difficult not to want to just soak that up. Not this week. Time for tough love...not with my H but with me. I have to get on with it. (((HUGS))) to all!!
DejaVu - I agree that our core values are learned from our parents, but also our fears and insecurities.
About two years before BD we decided to get an au pair. We ended up having four au pairs in total. Two were kind hearted and sweet and became part of the family. The other two were sulky, distrustful and sat in their rooms all the time. The two that became part of our family were from stable loving families. We would take them on family excursions, shared family meals etc. They both spoke to their parents daily. Their parents even came over to visit and we went out to dinner with them (well I did, H, as usual, was away). The other two were from broken homes (1 was abandoned by her dad, the other abandoned by her mum) and lasted with us about a month each.
Do I think all children from broken homes end up damaged. No - I think it has a lot to do with how the separated parents interacted post the separation. Which is why we both try very hard to interact in as positive a way as we can when the children are present.
BTW - H came from a broken home. He saw his dad kissing someone when he was 6. He ran all the way home and hid under his covers. His parents didn't separate for 5 years after. Those five years were characterised by infidelity on both sides, lots of screaming, bickering over money and using the kids as pawns. H has huge issues with a) jealousy and b) infidelity.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So this beautiful family of four that we created has become a broken family of three. Either them with me or them with him and rarely, if ever, the four of us together. That is the hardest part. Thinking that my kids will always have to choose one parent over the other for special occasions and big events. And that even if we figure out a way for both of us to be somewhere at the same time, it will never, ever be the same as having two parents together who love each other as much as they love you. That experience is so valuable and irreplaceable and I ache for my children, and me, that they will not have that...that I cannot give that to them.
You don't know this. Even if you do not reconcile, you seem like a woman who can manage to sit in the same room with H and be civil. Your children do not have to choose unless you make them choose. Your children do not need to know that you love each other as much as you love them, only that they came from a place of love, and that they are loved.
All young children want their parents to be together, but if they can't have that, then they want you to be happy. Once they are older, they will want you to be happy over wanting you to be together.
Thank you FS. I think my biggest worry is that my kids will end up being people who think that divorce is the first option when you feel dissatisfied with your life as opposed to the last option once all other options have been exhausted. I agree there are kids who do well with separated parents and how parents interact post-divorce has much to do with that. I also know that kids from broken marriages have scars nonetheless and that overall, it is a harder road for them. I am a child therapist and most of my client list is made up of kids from divorce, kids with multiple half and step siblings who have confusing family trees and kids with largely unavailable parents (mostly fathers, sad to say). And some from homes where parents are in constant conflict and verbally and/or physically abusive towards one another. That was not my marriage. We rarely fought. In hindsight, I wish we had fought more. That my H had been more honest with me and less fearful of conflict. Maybe we could have worked some of this stuff out. So...I have big challenges ahead of me and as DnJ said, I will draw on my core values and beliefs to guide my way. I hear you on the forcing to choose part. I don’t plan on doing that but I also know my H. As soon as he thinks he can get away with it, he will be out there looking for another partner so he can distract himself from the guilt he feels when he looks at me and thinks about everything he has done. I hope that when that happens, I will be in a place where that won’t affect me much. Here and now, it is tough for me to imagine but I am hoping I will get there step-by-step...eventually.
Got a call from my kids’ school yesterday. My D10 was seen in her class trying to cut her arm. She apparently made red marks and then tried to hide it. My H showed up at my house about five minute after I hung up. I told him about it and he immediately tried to figure out “where did she get that idea?” instead of wondering about why. Anyway...after I got over the shock of it, I called her into my room to talk about it. She said she wasn’t really trying to cut herself, just trying to “relieve some stress”. We told her we both loved her and wanted her to feel like she could come to us to talk if she feels stress and that we weren’t mad, just concerned. The school also said they would get the school counselor to meet with her the next morning. So that was an unexpected glitch in my plan to look totally happy and carefree in the presence of my H.
Since I don’t leave for my pool league until 6:30 and it was only 5:00, I made the kids some dinner and offered some to H who accepted. We ate at the dining room table and he talked about work and current events and then showed me a bunch of funny videos on YouTube. It was all so normal. I didn’t finish my dinner (I till get a bit nauseous being around him) so he reached over and helped himself to the rest of my meal...like he used to. After dinner, he helped himself to a piece of pie (he bought it the day before) and a glass of milk. Again...like everything is totally normal. Made me reflect, again, on the stupidity of this entire situation. That he is unwilling to try to make things work between us in order to preserve everything that we have worked for and instead, chooses to blow it all up for a chance at - what? A responsibility-free life? The chance to parent someone else’s kids? IF that happens, it will be very difficult for his kids to understand considering how little they see him.
Had a nice talk with my MIL when I got home from pool. [BTW... I only lost one game last night because the guy broke and ran the table. I played really, really well. Maybe all this drama is good for my pool game??? I guess that is one bonus...lol.] She is still struggling to understand all this. Has lots of questions for her son that she doesn’t want to ask for some reason. She said it is very unsettling to feel like you don’t know your only son and have no idea who he really is. It has hit her harder than she lets on. We talked a bit about Christmas. Her plan is to be with me and the kids and let my H do what he is going to do. She is all about the grandkids these days. She also told me a story about a friend of hers who had been married for years and that her husband just up and left one day. She also said that friend was very controlling so she kind of understood why he did. However, her H returned after a year and they ended up living happily ever after.
I was thinking about New Years too. Last year, I spent it in Mexico with my H and our family. The year before, I am pretty sure he was not home and possibly the year before that too. Not sure. I have blocked it from my memory. Anyway... I am going to take a page from FS’s book and have a party. The one thing I do not want to be doing that night is sitting around wondering what my H is doing. So I want to be surrounded by friends and people who care about me. He can do what he wants.
My D10 was seen in her class trying to cut her arm. She apparently made red marks and then tried to hide it.... She said she wasn’t really trying to cut herself, just trying to “relieve some stress”.
I am sorry that this happened. No matter how hard we try to protect them from what is going on they sense that not all is right and this can manifest inn the strangest of ways. D12 has had reoccurring stomach pains since this all started. I have no doubt the stomach pains are real - she bottles everything up and it has come out in funny ways. She goes to a selective school and falling behind is not really an option so I had to speak to the school about her frequent absences. She begged me not to go. She has still not told anyone that her parents are separated.
You handled it well though. Patience and love.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I told him about it and he immediately tried to figure out “where did she get that idea?” instead of wondering about why.
In their warped perception of reality nothing is their fault, and everything is somehow our fault. I was up in the middle of the might and the front lights on my H's brand new electronic car were on full beam. I woke H up and said "the headlights on your car are on". He looked at me, and, no word of a lie, said accusingly "How did that happen?". When we saw a therapist about D12, he said "D12 is fine. She is just going through normal teenage stuff. Everyone is fine except FS".
You so should do the NYE party.
I know you are close to your MIL - but I wouldn't talk too much about H with her. Your H (because he will probably go through periods of playing the victim) will think you are ganging up on him. Your MIL sounds lovely, but if there is one thing I've learnt, although they mean well, they sometimes push H's into a corner.
Pretty good day today so far. It was my work team’s “team day” so I hosted everyone at my house in the morning and we went out for a nice lunch near a local market where I found some unique Christmas gifts for my kids. The morning was a bit uncomfortable. I was uneasy. People were talking about their partners save for one woman who is the modern version of a spinster. The highlights of her weekend were gardening with her mom and quilting all day Sunday. Ugh...is that my future? She’s only about 7 or 8 years older than me. I also worried that people could tell my H isn’t living here which is silly since they were only in the kitchen. There were six colleagues altogether. Three know about my sitch and three do not. On the way to lunch, I drove with my supervisor who is the only male on our team and is a fantastic husband and father. He talks about his entire family in glowing terms and he and his wife have a date night at least once a week. They drive to work together as she works fairly close to our office. I always see them holding hands walking the short distance to the sidewalk from the parking lot and always parting with a kiss. It makes my heart hurt to see that but I am also very happy that there are men out there like that who value relationship and family above everything else. Anyway...I was glad it was just me and him in the car as it gave me a chance to talk about stuff and get some things off my chest. Comes in handy that I work with a bunch of therapists...lol. They know how to listen and validate and don’t give me unsolicited advice.
Thanks FS for the warning about my MIL. I try to temper some of the things I say to her. I’m not too worried about what she might say to him. She is completely avoidant and has said nothing so far. I can’t see her saying anything to him unless he asks for her advice. And he won’t ask. He won’t dare ask anyone’s opinion who could possibly disagree with him.
Don't worry, I am pretty sure spinsters don't rack em and run the table. Keep GAL and you will be a kick a$$ lady whether it's with H or not.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/07/1812:25 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
LOL... thanks TF. Pool has been one of my biggest escapes. I have known many of those people for years. Most do not know my H. Next week I have a five-day tournament to take my mind off of things. Still really struggling today. I can’t shake this feeling that something bad is about to happen. My stomach has been unsettled all day and it feels like it is more than just my SD telling em about the D conversation she had with my H. It feels like it is something more. I haven’t felt this way since this whole thing started. If I had any anti-anxiety meds, I would definitely take them right now. I feel close to tears again which is really bugging me too. Gosh I hate this. I have given everything to this man and he has given nothing back. Why in the world do I even want to be around him? It is crazy to me. How do I get my heart to catch up with my brain?
Womans intuition? Pre-tournament jitters? Personally I try to avoid any medication if I can help it. Go eat a bunch of bananas or make a banana shake. They are supposed to help with stress. Go for a walk or run that's supposed to help as well. My W made my day pretty stressful. Fortunately today was strength training day so I lifted heavy weights. It's like lifting the stress away. I also try to meditate daily. There are plenty of things you can do to keep that feeling manageable. Stay strong.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/07/1802:08 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
DJV sorry to hear about your daughter. It hurts so much to see them struggle without them doing anything. It’s also an age where they go through so many changes anyway. Be there for her, listen, do fun things together, it will help both of you.
Good luck with your tournament. I hope you feel better tomorrow, maybe it’s just a bug?
