Introduction

[Accuray]

And guess where I was??? On a business trip. Definitely not home. I think I found my anger.

TJT, you're entering a new phase with this information but please remember it may not mean what you think it means. When our spouses are not faithful, our brains will fill in the worst possible interpretations of any "evidence" that we find. In my case, my W had messaged her affair partner "you asked for what you want and you got it" which I took to mean some kind of lurid sex act, but what it really meant was that they had an office birthday party for him and he requested chocolate cupcakes. In this case, you really don't know what that one year quote was in reference to, it literally could be anything. Please just keep that in mind as you go forward, your imagination is your own worst enemy.

I feel like this has given me a good knock on the head to show that I am possibly holding on to hope that, while perhaps it exists, is SO small, and SO unlikely, that it will only do me more harm than good and is just fooling myself to keep "leaning" on it and holding myself in limbo while he's clearly doing whatever.

Your course of action should be driven by what you want to do, not how he will react to it. Does that make sense? This has everything to do with you and how you want to live your life.

It is, however, useful to think about this. When we're married, we're married to three people really: (1) the person we thought our spouse was when we married them, (2) the person our spouse actually is now, and (3) the person we want our spouses to be in the future.

Unfortunately, many people see (1) and (3) much more clearly than (2), because (1) & (3) are all about us and not that much about them. If you are, or have been, "married to hope" it really can be valuable to step back and really think about "who this person is" based on what they've *done* in your marriage (not just the bad stuff), versus what they've said. What they've done, or "how they've shown up" in the marriage in the past is the best indication of how they will show up in the future. People *can* change, and the balance between you, or how you come together can change, but there's an enormous amount of inertia that must be overcome with a tremendous amount of motivation. Does he have that motivation to change things? Will he?

Regardless, I did realize that whether I care or not (i.e. whether I want to try to "change his mind" or keep DBing or not), putting my energy into letting him know would not be worth it. I mean, HE already knows what he's done. He will go to his grave with it all. And if I don't matter then I don't matter. Whether I care that I matter to him or not doesn't make a difference.

This is an excellent insight and you should pat yourself on the back for seeing things this way and understanding what that means. Live the life you want to live. Live a life anyone would admire. That's the best thing you can do. If you do that, it really doesn't matter what he decides to do or what he thinks.

I am more starting to think of it as "maybe this is just WHO HE IS", that I couldn't see before, and obviously it would be unreasonable to think anything I do would ever change that - just like you all have said.

Yes -- are you holding on to "who he is", or are you holding on to "who you have always wished he was" -- for many people there's a big difference.

I am 100% afraid of letting him go because of ME, not him

YES! 100%. He represents stability, validation, and a resumption of your ability to have control over your future. That is really what you want, you want what he represents to you based on where you are right now. Step back and realize he is not those things.

If he came back tomorrow, you would not feel secure in your future with him, you would continue to struggle with validation because of how you feel about yourself due to the choices he's made, and those things combined would not allow you to feel good about your control over your future. Even if he was back you would spend some time feeling like you're leaning back in a chair that's close to falling over, and that's no way to live!

The healing process that YOU need to go through is pretty much the same whether he is in the picture or not. Your brain is trying to trick you into thinking that "getting him back" represents a shortcut to getting back to feeling how you used to feel. That shortcut does not exist. Your brain is deceiving you. You are at "square one" regardless of your future relationship with him, and you have to walk this journey *for you* no matter what he does.

Your brain needs to accept that there is not a quick win here -- there is not a path forward that doesn't totally s#ck. Embrace that and choose the path that's best for you right now, then change paths if it suits you.

The other part of me hates the thought of giving up and feeling like neither of us really "won", as seems to be the case with most Ds

That has NOTHING to do with him, and everything about you wanting to avoid feeling like you failed. Once again, even if he came back tomorrow you will need to process those feelings because of everything that's happened. Getting him back will not circumvent that. It just has to happen. You're right that typically everyone loses is D. The silver lining is coming out of it stronger, being more self-aware, with better relationship tools. That can be a real win for you in the future!

The cycle of emotions has kicked back up as my brain went crazy again after what I learned yesterday. I made the mistake of going back and looking at our text messages from a year ago and remembered there was a time around then he was asking for “space”. Again there is a ton of proof of me trying to be supportive and tell him I love him and want him to be happy, etc.

I wouldn't be responsible if I didn't admonish you with a "don't do that, you're only hurting yourself" but really I appreciate that its part of the process.

When I discovered that my exW was cheating on me I created a virtual storage locker of everything that I'd found, and for months after the fact I would go back and review it, review the timeline, re-read the detail, etc. It would rip the bandaids off and plunge me right back into total hurt. It was the equivalent of punching myself in the face and giving myself a black eye every once in a while. Why did I feel compelled to do that? I don't know, but eventually I stopped and I felt better. Not sure you can skip that part.

Good luck to you TJT, no matter which way this goes you *will* be fine, and you *will* be stronger than you were before. That much I know. Happiness awaits and you will go back to feeling loved and valued, either with H or with someone else. That much I know.

Acc