Sandi…first I want to say thank you for what you wrote. It was far from rambling and I think for MANY men who have found themselves here this post is as equally important as all of your WW threads. Perhaps from some of what you’ve shared more men might be able to become better husbands before they get married. What AMAZED me was your first sentence. You see while I’m going through what I am with my W, one of my sister’s is walking away from her MR. So my mother who’s in her 70s…EVERY SINGLE TIME we talk she says “it was that d**ned women’s lib!” She says it reliably and with such consistency that I know it’s coming before she says it…what my mother could never detail really was what you just did. Best she can say is that she can't understand my generation of women and what they are after relationship wise.
When you described something being sacrificed, yep that was our MR and you described W’s day exactly. AND against the reality of W wanting to go to bed and crash AND Dad feeling the same way, guess what happens…they drift apart. There is no time for each to pursue what they want separately nor time for them to nuture the MR. Heck my W was so frazzled day to day, if I failed her in giving intimacy she did too and rightly so, I mean how could I expect her to have the time/energy to do it?
My W in her prior relationship was a submissive female by intent, she told me as much. But then the ex left her, she felt betrayed/taken advantage of/you name it, so she decided “that’s never happening again” so with me she intentionally went after the dominant masculine role. When she did that, what did that leave me?
Originally Posted by Sandi
Anyway guys, the reason she doesn't tell you exactly what she needs you to do to fill her emotional needs...…..is a little hard to explain. One, is b/c she thinks you should know. I mean, you were filling those needs when you were dating her...….or she would not have M you. Her mistake was believing you would continue doing those things after marriage. But guys don't necessarily think that way. They see the dating--engagement process kind of like most other things they pursue. They have an end goal and they go after it, and once they get it.......that's it. Generally speaking. You men know how you are. Your role changes and you know you are responsible for a family, and your goal is to provide the best that you can. That's your goal. If the W is unhappy, you expect her to speak up. And she's thinking, "But I didn't have to tell him before we were married”.
THIS ^^^^^^^^^ Best I can say is I am no mind reader, unless you tell me what is wrong AND (IMPORTANT!) in a way that I UNDERSTAND IT, I’ve got no chance. I appreciate that you say it’s a mistake on the lady’s part to believe we would continue doing that after marriage BUT it is also the mistake of men who believe the game is won so to speak once we’re married. The other thing I alluded to before both my father and W’s father have been married 50+ years, they ‘re generation is the model by which many of us men here learned how to be husbands. My Dad provided, stayed loyal to my Mom and to the extent he knew tried to make my Mom happy. He was my model and by years married, successful, BUT I know if he was put into my generation with the skills he had, he’d been torn to pieces. The challenge is for me the blueprint of being a great husband, I honestly don’t know what that is anymore and quite frankly, I don’t truly believe that any modern women could define it beyond as you say me being everything possible.
Originally Posted by Sandi
Some women don't know how to tell the H she needs emotional intimacy. BTW, she should not be finding emotional intimacy from anyone but her H. But the truth is, a lot of guys are clueless about what that even means. He wants a map with instructions. And a lot of women feel that if she has to tell him how to get from point A to point B...…..it just kind of loses the pazazz.
I’m guilt as charged on that beyond saying that I’m completely willing and wanting to provide it to the woman I love, but again when I have asked lady friends define what that means, it’s either not answered or each is completely different. And yep, for sure I heard “if you can’t figure it out, it’s not my job to tell you” <insert_facepalm>
REALLY valued your words Sandi! My IC is a lady. These days she’s really just trying to keep my wanting to be in the relationship game going forward. Where I am time wise it’s completely normal for someone like me to say “I’m done with women”. A purely emotional response. Thing is based on EXACTLY what you just said my thinking has moved me deeper to feeling that same way as a more analytic/logical response to what the “playing field” looks like these days. It’s not at all said in bitterness, but just more of a recognition that given the needs of a modern woman, I may never be able to meet those demands and as I have 2 strikes against me already, I’m not really interested in risking a third strike. Two have been bad enough.
