So, a day of odd / new feelings today. This morning at 0600 the boiler was making a funny noise. Went to suss it out and realised it needed topping up and went to look for the pliers that have always been used for this purpose. Found the garage totally wiped out of tools. Not a plier nor screwdriver in sight. Really? He needs a full set of tools, electric drill, electric screwdriver, etc etc when he lives in the world's smallest cottage - that is rented on a month by month basis?
Got angry at the inconvenience but then went in my lunch hour to stock up on basic tools and then sorted the boiler. Then decided I wanted to do a basics DIY course so started to research online.
So, the odd feeling is that I feel a small amount of excitement at trying new things and only having to please myself. There's a small amount of fear, but I'm excited at the prospect of finding myself somewhere to live and making it my own. I can't honestly say that I miss him except from a selfish perspective of having to sort these things out for myself. I do think about him most days, but not in the obsessive manic way that I did at first. I think about him in a fleeting 'oh he used to be here' sort of way.
I think I'm sort of looking forward to being on my own. I have never lived on my own. NB this isn't an every day feeling, just snatches of it coming through.
I know it may appear that I am strong; but perhaps it also says that I am very selfish and only wanted him as a husband for when it served my purpose?
I am very aware that my 21 year old son is trying to step into Dad's shoes because he thinks it is helpful. But I'm starting to feel it's a bit controlling; he is suggesting what I feel and what I should do a little bit, and being a bit 'don't do that, it's a man job' It did make me a bit cross and I mentioned it to a close friend who said 'well he's just copying what his father did' We used to joke about pink and blue jobs, but maybe the joke went too far.
What a strange process and journey this is. Or maybe I'm just more cold hearted than most, or my marriage was deader than most. I do feel that I'm going to come out of this far better than him. All the things that were going wrong for him are still going to be there with or without shiny OW.
I do feel that he's pushed the self destruct button and I'm beginning to think that for my own self preservation I should get out of it sooner rather than later.
